Daddy's Home Page #8

- Hey, Dusty!

- Hey.

- Why is he coming in here?

- Little help in here, please.

Oh, come on. You gotta put me

through this every time?

- Come on. Be a sport.

- All right.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

Is this even ethical?

(GASPS) James and the Giant Peach.

(GULPS)

- Did you just gulp?

- No.

It's okay, I gulp every time.

You see, this... This is what you want.

Plump and bulbous.

Glassy smooth, like

two Patrick Stewarts,

you know what I mean?

Don't embarrass me in front

of Sara like this anymore, okay?

DR. FRANCISCO:
Hey, sorry, bro.

So, ready to milk the cow,

see if we even got a sliver of hope here?

Hey, Dusty, come on, buddy. Want to

try to break your own record?

Oh, no, I'm good.

DR. FRANCISCO:
Hey, come on, man.

I'm doing you a favor here.

Give me something to brag

about at the next symposium.

All right, fine. You want to break

the record, I gotta break the record.

(LAUGHS) Yeah. Kid came to play.

Should I grab a big cup, too?

What? Stop screwing around.

Come on. We're burning daylight here.

(DOOR OPENS)

(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(SIGHS)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hello. Quick question.

How difficult would it be

for someone to whip up

a batch of your Cinnabons?

Would you need restaurant-grade ovens?

Bradsky. Could you

pass this along to Dusty?

It's his first resids check.

Disclaimer. It's more than you make.

- Don't get worried about it.

- How much more than...

Oh, and tell him, 8:30 sharp at my house.

He doesn't need to bring anything.

All right, buddy?

I've never been to your house.

No, you haven't.

SARA:
Oh, my God, my hair, it looks awful.

Doesn't Mommy's hair look pretty?

- No. Next slide, please.

- DUSTY:
Oh, okay.

- Slides. Fun.

- DUSTY:
Aw...

Cool. You guys climbed that?

Yuck. Why are you guys kissing

in every single picture?

Oh, Mommy used to kiss Daddy a lot.

SARA:
Married people kiss a lot.

DUSTY:
Ready?

Wow, China.

I loved it there.

Dylan, you were created right

there on that wall, buddy.

- Really?

- Dusty, that's enough.

- DUSTY:
Okay, next slide.

- (SARA LAUGHS)

That's where your mom and I met,

doing The King and I in summer stock.

SARA:
God, that costume was so tight.

(LAUGHS)

Next slide, please.

Oh, my God.

- MEGAN:
Is that baby me?

- SARA:
Mmm-hmm.

All right, you guys, let's,

um, get ready for bed.

- Okay?

- DUSTY:
It's story time, Mayron family!

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

MEGAN:
We don't have to wait

for Mr. Whitaker, do we?

I really don't like you,

but that sh*t is heartbreaking.

(DOOR CLOSING)

MEGAN:
Yay! Griff's home!

So the King raised his mighty sword

and rained steel down upon the Step King.

But the Step King

blocked it with his shield.

And swung his cat o'nine tails

into the King's smug face.

Which the King easily brushed aside

like the feather of a gull.

And then the King did counter

with a barrage of slashes

and thrusts so fast and precise

that the Step King had no way to parry.

BOTH:
Yay!

But he did. He did.

He parried all of them.

- Easily. It was no big deal.

- BOTH:
Aw.

Then he grabbed the King's

sword right out of his hand

and smashed it over his knee.

BOTH:
Boo!

That's when the King pulled out

a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!

Which is completely anachronistic.

So if we're doing any time period,

then the Step King just happened to be

wearing Kevlar body armor.

- Concussion grenade!

- Hand grenade.

- Rocket launcher.

- Missile launcher.

- Air strike.

- Nuclear strike.

- Black hole.

- God.

We know what this comes down to.

The Step King was very upset

because when the real King

pulled out his sword,

it was long and shiny,

and the Step King

did shudder at the size of it.

And while the Step King acknowledged

that the King carried a mighty,

beautifully engraved broadsword,

all the maidens in the land

preferred the more average-sized

Step King's sword because

it knew how to listen.

- (SCOFFS)

- And the King needs to realize

he's a guest in his castle

and he better mind his P's and Q's

because the Step King

has had it up to here

with the King's bullshit!

Brad said a naughty word.

Kids, I'm so sorry you had to hear

that inappropriate language.

Make sure you tell your mother.

Brad, can I talk to you

in the hall, please?

(SIGHS)

Brad, what just happened in there, man?

(WHISPERING) Look, the Step King

should not have

used inappropriate language in front of

the Prince and Princess, he admits that.

Why are you still saying it

like that, Brad?

We're out in the hall.

I don't know. I'm upset.

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

- Hold on.

Oh-ho-ho! Hello?

Yeah, Brad's here, he's doing good.

Hey, it's Dr. Francisco.

He wants us all to come in tomorrow.

9:
30 work for you?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Yeah,

we'll see you then.

All right, bud. Come on, man.

The doctor will be with you in a moment.

ALL:
Thank you.

(SARA GRUNTING)

Hey, Brad, whatever happens

here, I just want you to know

that I'm proud of you for doing your best.

- Okay?

- Thank you.

Hello, hello. Okay.

I'm going to cut right to the chase.

Sara, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

Oh, God. That is a tough break. I'm sorry.

Damn, that is a real shame.

My heart is melting.

Yeah, it's a real shame, Sara.

A real shame that

you're gonna have to put up

with Brad here pounding away on you

over and over,

now that he's got a fighting chance

of getting you pregnant.

- (GASPING)

- What? Oh, my God!

- Holy moly!

- Oh, my God.

Hey, Doc, Doc, don't give them

a false sense of hope.

Remember what you said about

the blood flow and the screwy 'nads?

Yeah, well, Brad has you

to thank for that, Dusty.

Okay, in lab rats,

whenever another alpha male

comes around, it can spike testosterone,

driving up sperm counts.

Now, no guarantees, okay?

But with my help, Brad,

I think you got enough left in the tank

to make it all the way to baby town.

That's so wonderful. Thank you.

- BOTH:
Thank you so much.

- Of course.

- Can we give you a hug?

- Oh, yeah. Come on in.

BRAD:
Oh, my gosh.

- Did not expect this.

- Mmm...

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You virile sea snake, you.

- I underestimated you, Brad.

- Yes, you did.

I can finally give Sara everything,

and it feels good.

Now, listen, this is what you need to do.

You need to go and pee outside

the room that Dusty sleeps in.

He's gonna smell your urine and know that

your virility is not to be taken lightly.

It's good advice.

I did it last year in the lobby.

Oh, I remember. It was a health hazard.

It scared the FedEx guy.

No, I'm going to take

the high road on this one.

Okay, fine, take the high road.

But jam a baby up in there

as quickly as you can, Brad.

Because, in the end, if Sara

does choose Dusty over you,

he has to be stepdad to your baby.

- How beautiful is that?

- (LAUGHS)

Come on, five it.

No. You know, it feels strange

to high-five over the custody

of my unborn child.

I've been on Dusty's team.

I'm trying to jump over

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