Dark Command

A SILVER WATCH:

AND FIVE DOLLARS

IN COIN OF THE REALM...

FOR EVERY SOUTHERN SETTLER

WHO WILL LEAVE HERE...

FOR THE RICH AND FERTILE

PLAINS OF KANSAS.

THE SOUTH NEEDS YOUR VOTE.

WE WANT NO FIVE-DOLLAR VOTERS.

WE WANT NO SILVER-WATCH

SETTLERS.

WE WANT TO PEOPLE KANSAS

WITH GOOD, HARDWORKING,

NORTHERN FARMERS.

[ Man Screaming ]

THERE YA ARE, SIR.

AS MEAN A MOLAR:

AS EVER I DID SEE.

GIVE ME TWO DOLLARS

AND WE CALL IT SQUARE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

[ Mumbles ] ALL RIGHT.

MUST'VE HIT YOU PRETTY HARD

TO LOOSEN UP THAT TOOTH.

WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

I SAID PRESIDENT PIERCE

WAS A POLECAT.

WHICH HE IS!

THEN HE POPPED ME.

JUST WAIT TILL I GET HIM

IN KANSAS.

DON'T BLAME YOU IN A BIT.

ARE YOU A DENTIST?

AM I A DENTIST?

MY FRIEND, YOU'RE LOOKING

DIRECTLY AT THE BEST DENTIS WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE YOUR TROUBLE?

BIG FELLA BACK THERE

BELTED ME ON THE MOUTH.

RIGHT IN THE CHAIR.

RIGHT IN THERE.

SIT DOWN THERE.

NOTHIN' ABOUT PIERCE,

I HOPE.

WHY, YEAH. WHO TOLD YOU?

[ Chattering ]

EXCUSE ME, PARTNER.

I DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE

WITH YOU, MISTER.

JUST LEAVE ME BE.

I'M MINDIN' MY OWN BUSINESS.

YOU MIND YOURS.

STRANGER, I AIN'T A-CARIN'

WHOSE WAGON YOU'RE FIXIN'.

WASN'T TALKIN' TO YOU

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT IN THE SECOND PLACE,

I STILL THINK WE CAN DO

WITH A BETTER PRESIDENT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

ABOUT IT?

WELL, ALL RIGHT, MISTER.

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

[ Women Shrieking ]

RIGHT AFTER THE MEXICAN WAR,

MY WIFE SAYS TO ME, SHE SAYS,

"ANDREW, YOU KNOW WHA THIS COUNTRY NEEDS? "

I SAYS, "NO, WHAT'S IT NEED? "

SHE SAYS, "NEEDS MORE DENTISTS. "

WELL, IT DID,

SO I BECOME A DENTIST.

SAY "AH. "

AH!

THERE WE ARE.

HEY, WE AIN'T DOIN' BAD.

MADE $34 LAST THREE DAYS.

WELL, I CAN'T GO AROUND

POPPING PEOPLE ALL MY LIFE.

AND AM I ASKIN' YA TO?

WHO WERE YA WHEN I MET YA?

NOBODY.

STANDING AROUND IN TEXAS.

WANTIN' TO TRAVEL

AND SEE THE COUNTRY.

WELL, YOU'RE SEEIN' IT,

AIN'T YA?

YEAH, AND I AIN'T LIKIN' IT.

YOU TOLD ME I'D SEE MOUNTAINS

AND OCEANS.

THIS COUNTRY AIN' NO DIFFERENT THAN TEXAS.

AIN'T AS GOOD.

I KNOW, BUT TRAVEL

COSTS MONEY, SON.

YOU SAYIN'

I AIN'T EARNIN' IT?

NO, I'M NOT COMPLAININ'.

YOU KNOCK 'EM LOOSE.

I PULL 'EM OUT.

MAYBE-- I'M JUST SAYIN'

MAYBE, YOU KNOW--

IF YOU WAS MORE PROMISCUOUS

WITH YOUR PUNCHIN',

WE MIGHT MAKE:

A LITTLE MORE MONEY.

WHAT YOU MEAN,

"PROMISCUOUS"?

WELL, YOU GOT STRANGE IDEAS

ABOUT JUSTICE.

DON'T WANNA HIT NOBODY

UNLESS THEY DESERVE IT.

NOW THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

BUT WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

BUSINESS IS DIFFERENT.

I DON'T KNOW, DOC.

YOU'RE GONNA LOSE YOURSELF

A PARTNER UNLESS WE GET OU OF THIS TERRITORY PRETTY QUICK.

'CAUSE I AIM TO SEE

THEM MOUNTAINS:

YOU WERE TALKIN' ABOUT.

YOU GOT A MEMORY

LIKE AN ELEPHANT.

GIDDYAP.

BITE OF TATER, DOC?

CAN'T. BREAK MY PLATE.

GIDDYAP.

WHOA! WHERE DO I FIND

YOUR CAMPING GROUNDS, MISTER?

EDGE OF TOWN,

JUST PAST THE SCHOOLHOUSE.

MUCH OBLIGED.

HYAH!

?? LAND WHERE

MY FATHERS DIED? ?

?? LAND OF THE? ?

?? PILGRIMS' PRIDE? ?

DOC?

YEAH.

?? FROM EVERY MOUNTAINSIDE? ?

HEAR THAT?

SURE, PRETTY.

GIVES ME THE GOOSE PIMPLES.

SICK?

NO, JUST PROUD.

HELLO.

WOULD YOU MIND MOVING?

I'D LIKE TO GET THROUGH.

I SAID, WOULD YOU MIND MOVING?

I'D LIKE TO GET THROUGH.

OH, EXCUSE ME, MA'AM,

BUT I AIN'T HAD A CHANCE

TO HEAR SUCH PRETTY SINGIN'...

IN A LONG TIME.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT,

BUT MUSIC DOES SOMETHING TO ME.

THAT KIND OF MUSIC.

WHY, I CAN REMEMBER--

THAT'S ALL VERY INTERESTING,

BUT ARE YOU GOING TO MOVE

THIS WAGON, OR SHALL I HAVE I MOVED FOR YOU?

YOU KNOW, DOC, ALL THEM STORIES

WE'VE BEEN HEARING

ABOUT KANSAS MUST BE TRUE.

EVEN THE WOMENFOLK THINK

NOTHING OF THREATENING

STRANGERS IN THE OPEN.

- GOOD MORNING, MISS McCLOUD.

- GOOD MORNING, MR. CANTRELL.

WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH TO

ASKHIMTO GET OUT OF THE WAY?

HE'S SO ENCHANTED

WITH YOUR MUSIC CLASS,

HE REFUSES TO MOVE.

YOUR INTEREST IS

VERY GRATIFYING, SIR.

FIRST TIME OUR SINGING LESSONS

HAVE EVER HELD UP TRAFFIC.

IF YOU'D CARE TO,

WE'D BE DELIGHTED

TO HAVE YOU JOIN US.

THANK YOU, MISTER.

IN THAT CASE, I RECKON

WE'LL MOVE ON.

GIDDY OUT OF THERE.

BEAUTIFULLY DONE,

MR. CANTRELL.

YOU CERTAINLY KNOW

HOW TO SAY THE RIGHT THING

AT THE RIGHT TIME.

EXCEPT WHERE YOU'RE CONCERNED.

OH, WELL,

YOU'VE HELD ME SPEECHLESS

WITH YOUR ELOQUENCE.

THAT'S JUST WHA I'M COMPLAINING OF.

I WANT TO LEAVE YOU

WITH JUST ENOUGH SPEECH

TO SAY ONE WORD,

BUT YOU NEVER DO.

MAYBE I SHOULD CHANGE

MY TACTICS.

YOU THINK I'D SAY YES

AT THE POINT OF A GUN?

IF I THOUGHT YOU WOULD,

I'D BE ARMED TO THE TEETH.

OH, THEN YOU'D SCARE ME

TO DEATH.

I'M GOIN' INTO TOWN

TO RENT AN OFFICE.

TAKE ABOUT A MONTH,

THE WAY I FIGURE, TO FIX

ALL THE TEETH IN THIS TOWN.

OF COURSE, THAT'S NOT COUNTIN'

THE ONES YOU'LL SEND IN.

THEN WE'RE HEADIN' WEST--

CALIFORNIA AND MOUNTAINS.

NO HURRY, DOC.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

I WANNA LOOK THIS COUNTRY

OVER GOOD.

WELL, IF YOU AIN' THE CONTRARIEST CRITTER

I'VE EVER SEEN.

WILL YOU PUT THAT GUN AWAY?

NO, SIR, I WILL NOT.

I WON'T WARN YOU AGAIN.

NOW PUT THAT GUN AWAY.

GIVE ME THAT GUN, I SAY.

NO, SIR, I'M OVER 21--

BOYS, BOYS, PLEASE.

DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE

TO ME, YOUNG SCALLAWAG, HAVE YOU

NO RESPECT FOR YOUR FATHER?

NOW GIVE ME THAT GUN.

WELL, I'M GETTIN' TIRED

OF BEING TREATED LIKE A KID.

MARY!

ELLIE! ELLIE!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

THAT COST?

ELLIE, TAKE UP THE CARPETS

AND LET'S HAVE PLENTY OF SAWDUS ON THE FLOOR.

AND ALSO SEVERAL CUSPIDORS.

NOW LET ME SEE.

OH, YES, WE CAN PU THE BEER BARRELS OVER THERE

AND A BAR WHERE THE PIANO IS.

OH, AND THERE I WAN A LARGE PICTURE

OF DANCING NYMPHS.

BUT BE SURE AND KEEP

THIS SPACE CLEAR

FOR BRAWLING PURPOSES.

WHAT ARE YOU RAVING ABOUT?

BOTH YOU AND FLETCH AC LIKE YOU'RE IN A SALOON,

SO I JUST THOUGHT I'D MAKE YOU

FEEL AT HOME, DAD.

I'M SORRY, DEAR.

WELL, GO ON, APOLOGIZE

TO YOUR SISTER FOR MAKING

A DEPLORABLE SCENE.

I'M SORRY, SIS.

ALL RIGHT, ELLIE,

YOU MAY GO.

BUT DON'T FORGET THE SAWDUST,

JUST IN CASE.

NOW WHAT'S ALL THIS YELLING

ABOUT A GUN, ANYWAY?

THE HOT-TEMPERED YOUNG FOOL

MUST CARRY A GUN BECAUSE

THE PLACE SWARMS WITH YANKEES,

AND HE WANTS TO GE INTO TROUBLE.

LISTEN, SIS. I'M OLD ENOUGH--

[ Shouting ] STOP YELLING

AT ME! A SOUTHERNER NEVER

RAISES HIS VOICE!

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Quietly ]

NEVER.

THAT'S RIGHT, DEAR.

FOLLOW YOUR FATHER'S EXAMPLE.

HE NEVER FORGETS HIMSELF.

WELL, I'M GONNA TOTE A GUN,

AND NO ONE'S GONNA TAKE I AND OFFEN ME.

FLETCH McCLOUD,

WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU

PICK UP SUCH LANGUAGE?

"TOTE, " "OFFEN. "

GIVE ME THAT GUN.

A COWBOY CAME:

THROUGH TOWN ONE DAY,

AND HE GOT BIG IDEAS.

HE'S BEEN WANTING TO TOTE--

CARRYA GUN EVER SINCE.

FLETCH, I JUST SAW

A RUFFIAN WITH A GUN.

HE WAS NO MATCH:

FOR WILL CANTRELL,

WHO MERELY USED HIS BRAIN.

YES, BUT--

OH, HUSH. NOW,

NOT ANOTHER WORD OUT OF YOU.

GO ALONG.

STOP AGGRAVATING YOUR FATHER.

OH, DAD, I WONDER

IF YOU'D LET ME--

NO!

YOU TWO-- SHAME ON YOU.

IF I WEREN'T AROUND, YOU'D BE

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