Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth

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Why'd you pick San Francisco | to shoot your special?

This is one of the best towns | that ever knew comedy.

And this is the most historic venue you got | as far as comedians are concerned.

'Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here.

Yeah, all the best came through the Bay.

What about Richard? | What about Robin Williams?

Carlin? Mooney?

You don't necessarily | have to be the biggest star.

As long as you come with it | then people coming out.

They like to see live performances...

because it's a savvy audience.

San Francisco, are you ready?

I don't think he can hear you.

Are you ready?

Welcome to the show. | Here's Dave Chappelle.

Oh, man.

Oh, sh*t.

Yes, bring it on, man.

Yes, thank you. Thank you all.

Thank you for coming.

God damn.

I did it big this year.

From cable, n*gger, goddamn.

Thanks for coming out and thanks | for making a n*gger feel comfortable...

in the gayest place on earth.

You guys got Disney World jealous | about this, motherfuckers.

Man. I didn't really think | it was that gay at first.

'Cause when I was coming here...

everyone was like, | man, that place is really gay.

What the f*** is everybody talking about? | It's not so gay.

And then I wandered | into that Castro. God damn.

I said, ''This is America's anus right here.'' | This sh*t is deep.

I went to that Tenderloin.

There's nothing tender about that | motherf***er at all.

That sh*t was rough. The opposite of tender.

I have never seen | crack smoked so casually before.

These n*ggers | was sitting in front of Starbucks...

smoking crack and drinking coffee. | I said, this is off the hook.

Talking about politics...

I seen one crackhead | trying to break into somebody's car, man...

and it struck a chord with me. | I tried to stop it.

I said, ''Hey!'' | And he looked back and saw me and said:

''Keep an eye out.''

I said, ''N*gger, that was me that said that. | I'm not trying to help you.

''I want this sh*t to stop.''

Crackheads are like that.

I had a crackhead break my car window | one time. Broke it.

You know what he stole?

F***ing candy bar I had lying on the seat. | That's all he took.

Just a goddamn candy bar. I was so mad...

I drove around the neighborhood | for five hours...

looking for a crackhead | with chocolate on his face. I did this.

I finally found him, I grabbed him.

I said, ''Hey, man, | what's all this chocolate on your face?

''Motherf***er.''

He looked confused. ''Chocolate?

''This is doo-doo, baby.'' I said....

Oh, man.

This place is insane.

But you know what I like about San Fran...

and the reason I picked this city | to do my special is because...

of all the major cities in America, | somehow, people get along here better...

than anywhere else I've seen in the country.

That's right.

And I always admire San Fran for that. | And today, I've realized how you did it.

put all the n*ggers | on the other side of that bridge.

They sure ain't happy on that side.

You leave San Francisco, they're like, | ''Bye, thanks for coming to San Francisco.

''Come back in April, | we're having a sale on Birkenstocks.''

When you get to the other side, | ''Welcome to Oakland, b*tch.''

Click. Click.

It's f***ing crazy. | But it also feels like it's an East Coast city...

in the West Coast. | You guys got subways and sh*t.

I'm scared of public transportation.

I was on a bus that was held hostage...

45 minutes.

Wasn't life-threatening. | Don't get that impression.

It was a dude jerking off. | But the sh*t was scary, son.

It was scary.

Right before it happened, | I was on the bus smoking a cigarette.

It's a long story. | It's not the coolest sh*t I ever did...

and people freaked out. ''Sir!

''Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay?

''This is everybody's air, sir.''

I flicked it. I didn't want any trouble.

And just at that moment...

coincidentally, this homeless dude, | out of nowhere pulls his dick out.

Started beating off.

And I was furious.

'Cause nobody's saying sh*t to this guy. | They was just looking like, ''My God.''

I was the only one on the bus | that had the balls to talk to him.

It's not even like I was brave, | really, it was that...

I was sitting next to the motherf***er. | I had to say something.

Come on, dog, you're hitting my elbow.

Stop. Son, just stop.

It's all I said. I didn't wanna say too much.

Guy's beating off on the bus, | means there's something wrong with him.

He's not wrapped so tight. | I didn't wanna push him over the edge.

Soon as I said something, all these | dummies on the bus, now they're brave.

''Oh, he's right.''

''put your goddamn cock away. | I don't wanna see this anymore.''

''I don't wanna see it either.'' ''Yeah.''

Now, the guy flips out.

''All right, everybody, back up, | back the f*** up.

''I tried to be nice about this.''

Now, everybody freaks out.

''Oh, my God, it's a biological attack.''

I'm caught in the middle. | I can't lose my cool.

I said ''Everybody just calm the f*** down | or you're going to get me shot.

''Let's all just be cool.

''Let's do what this man says, | so he'll leave us alone.''

Now everybody gets quiet.

''That's better.

''That is better.''

And then he started walking | up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us.

And then he starts making demands.

''You in the pink shirt...

''squeeze your tits together.''

''Oh, God, no.''

''You. Stick your finger in your butt.'' | ''Why? Oh, God, why is this happening?''

''Oh, God.''

He was working my way. The sh*t was tight.

Just that minute, I got saved, dudes. | I was so lucky.

This guy, the other in the bus, he snapped.

He lost his mind. I seen it happen.

He screamed out, ''Rush him.

''He can't come on all of us.'' | He charges down the aisle.

And it's like a movie. | This homeless dude's seen him coming.

He shot one off.

I dodged that sh*t like The Matrix, n*gger.

The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, though.

''No!''

That sh*t was gross.

It didn't kill him, but it was.... | I'm sure that f***ed his day up.

You're not gonna have a normal day | if a homeless dude...

busts a nut on your forehead | at 8:30 in the morning.

That's a wrap on the rest of the day.

That guy was freaking out. ''It burns!''

Everyone was standing around looking | at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad.

I guess he was finished, | he came back to his senses.

''Oh, this is my stop.''

I said, ''Relax, motherf***er.'' | I had to say something.

''Oh, I can't. I got AIDS, I know it.''

I said, ''You can't get AIDS from a homeless | dude busting a nut on your forehead.

''That's not how it spreads.''

I don't know if it's true. | That's just what I told him.

He was so scared, I had to say something.

I don't know where AIDS comes from. | Who the f*** knows?

Scientists don't even know.

Scientists still say AIDS started | 'cause somebody had sex with a monkey.

Word?

After all this research, the best explanation | that you came up with....

Nobody fucks monkeys and people, | you idiot.

You either f*** monkeys or you f*** people.

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