Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth Page #2

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That's it. There's no in-between.

You're not gonna get | monkey p*ssy on Tuesday...

and then be like, | ''Well, let me call Charlene,'' on Thursday.

No. Once you f*** a monkey, | that's a firm decision.

I'm out of the human p*ssy game for good.

It's ridiculous. | They act like monkeys are just as open as...

waiting for people to f*** them, man.

Monkeys don't wanna be f***ed by people.

Think about it. Think about how hard | it would be to catch a monkey...

and f*** it. That's ridiculous.

That's how it had to go down.

You think you're going to | walk up to him in the woods...

and bribe this n*gger | with fruits and bananas?

''Hey, buddy, hey.

''There you go, buddy, yeah.

''There you go, your big bright red ass.

''This big bright red booty.''

Do you know how strong a monkey is?

It would rip your dick off like a celery stalk.

Throw that sh*t in the tall grass, | to never be seen again.

''Hey, dog, we're gonna go to the club, | pick up some girls, you trying to roll?''

''No, man, I'm cool.

''I'm gonna stay home, | chill with my monkey.

''You know how long it took me | to train this monkey...

''to suck my dick...

''without peeling it?

''Last night, Chimp-chimp | jerked me off with his feet.

''N*gger, only a monkey can show you | that kind of love and tenderness.

''So you all keep f***ing these people | if you want, n*ggers.

''No, it's monkey p*ssy for me.

''I'm hooking up with an orangutan | next week.

'''Cause all I f*** | is chimps and orangutans.''

You know who I feel real bad for is Indians.

Everybody feels bad for the Indians.

They get dogged openly, | 'cause everybody thinks they're dead.

These motherfuckers | are not all dead, all right?

I've seen, with my own eyes, | I've seen a gathering...

of 1,500 Native Americans.

They were all gathered in one place. | The place is called Wal-Mart in New Mexico.

They were everywhere. | I've never seen Indians before.

I wasn't even sure if they were Indians.

It was f***ed up, but I asked one of them.

It's not nice, | but I seen them in the sports section...

looking at bows and arrows. | I had to say something. ''Excuse me...

''I don't mean to be rude...

''are you an Indian?''

And he was cool. ''Yes.

''Yes, I am Indian.''

I still didn't believe him.

I had to test him and be sure.

This is f***ed up, | but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket.

So, I balled that sh*t up | and I threw it on the floor.

And a single tear came out his eye. | I said, ''Oh, sh*t.''

I have so many questions.

I said, ''What tribe are you from?''

''I am a Navajo.''

I said, ''Word?

''I studied you in Social Studies.

''You're a hunter-gatherer, correct?''

He said, ''I guess so...

''if that's what you wish to call it.''

I said, ''Why, what do you call it?''

He said, ''I am...

''an alcoholic.''

I said, ''Well, what's your name, dog?''

He said, ''please. Dog is my cousin. | That was a good guess.

''My name is...

''Running Coyote.

''What is your name, friend?''

And that sh*t caught me off guard. | I didn't wanna say my name was Dave...

to a motherf***er named Running Coyote. | It don't feel good enough.

He's putting me on the spot.

I said, ''My name? What?

''Oh, my name's Black Feet.''

I changed the subject. ''Forget about me. | What's going on with you?

''I wanna meet your chief.

''Why don't me, you, your Chief, | and your friends get together tonight?

''We could have | a real-life peace pipe-smoking ritual.

''We need to celebrate | 'cause I thought you were dead.''

And he set it up. It was beautiful. | It was just like I dreamed.

We was all sitting around. | The Indians was beating the drums.

Other Indians came out the back...

with a long blanket that was folded in half | and put in front of us.

Opened that sh*t up...

and on the blanket | was a long wooden pipe with feathers.

And bags of weed were all over the blanket.

The chief walked over.

''The big ones are 50. | The little ones are 25 and these are 10.''

Man, those Indians got high as sh*t.

I was baked. I told the chief. | He was talking, I cut him off.

''Time out, Chief.

''Sorry to interrupt.

''I'm f***ing smashed, man. | The weed's too strong.

''You sure this isn't pCp? | The spirits have got me.

''Chief, the spirits have got me.''

And the Chief threw some water in my face. | ''Calm down, Blackface.''

I said, ''It's Black Feet, motherf***er. | Take it easy.''

''Black Feet...

''you are welcome to stay | amongst me and my tribe for the night...

''until the spirits leave you.''

And they gave me my own teepee | to sleep in...

which sounds nice. | I personally felt like it was a little f***ed up.

You know, 'cause they all had houses.

It's like, why can't I sleep | with you all in the house and watch TV?

Like, I can't be on this grass all night.

The Indians is rude, man. | Everybody's rude, the Indians.

They eating nasty food. | All they ate was corn and sh*t.

Doritos, I think they called it.

That's right.

people only see the surface. | They see the division in our foods.

Just 'cause I eat chicken and watermelon...

they think | there's something wrong with me.

If you don't like chicken or watermelon...

something is wrong with you, motherf***er.

Where are all these people | that don't like chicken and watermelon?

I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is. | It's great.

I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to | do a commercial. I'll do it for free, chicken.

It's the least I can do.

They make fun of Latin people for eating.... | What you all eating?

Beans? Rice? Corn?

Listen, that's not a reason | to hate a motherf***er, all right?

It's funny, but it's not a reason to hate.

The only reason these things | are even an issue is because...

nobody knows what white people eat.

You've been very good at keeping | that sh*t a secret amongst yourselves.

I study white people. You don't know that. | I'm writing a paper on you.

Not even for school, n*gger.

Just to do it, | just to do this independent research.

I'm spending my money. | That's why I'm working so hard.

I follow you around grocery stores. | They freak out.

I try to peek in their cart.

They say, ''Get away from my cart, n*gger. | What're you looking at?

''Chicken and giblets are over there.

''You must be lost. These are vegetables.''

I know what you drink.

See how quiet it got.

Grape juice.

Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn't know | I knew about grape juice, did you?

Oh, don't play dumb with me.

A lot of black people don't have the | privilege of knowing about grape juice...

because they have grape drink.

It's not the same formula that you get.

Ain't no vitamins in that sh*t.

You might have one of your | black friends over.

''Todd, would you care for a glass | of grape juice?'' ''What?

''N*gger, what the f*** is juice?

''I want some grape drink, baby.

''It's purple.

''I don't think I know what a grape drink is.'' | ''What?''

''I have some apple juice, if you want.'' | ''What the f*** is juice?

''I want some apple drink.

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