Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth Page #3

---

''It's green.''

Remember that commercial | for Sunny Delight...

when all the kids | run in from outside playing...

and they all run to the fridge?

''All right, I got some purple stuff, | some Sunny D.''

As soon as they say ''Sunny D,'' | all the kids go, ''Yeah!''

Watch the black kid in the back.

If you see that commercial, | look at that black kid.

He'd be like, ''I want that purple stuff.''

That's drink, n*gger, it's drink.

They want drink.

They don't want all them vitamins, man. | They want drink.

Sugar, water, purple.

That's the ingredients: Sugar, water...

and of course, purple.

It's too f***ing much.

I got a lot of things to talk about tonight.

First of all, I've stopped smoking weed...

with black people. You didn't let me finish, | motherfuckers. God damn.

I'm sorry, black people, | to break the news so publicly...

but I can't smoke with you anymore.

Every time I smoke weed | with my black friends...

all you talk about...

is your trials and tribulations.

I'm sick of that sh*t. I got my own problems. | That's a waste of weed.

I'm smoking weed to run from my problems, | not take on yours.

From now on, I smoke weed | exclusively with white people.

Calm down, motherfuckers, | you win by default.

You got good weed conversation.

All white people talk about | when they get high...

is other times that they got high.

I could listen to that sh*t all night.

''Dude, remember at Frank's last week, | I was f***ing smashed, man.''

And catalogs everything they drink. | ''I had two shots of Jger...

''tequila, four bong hits, man...

''beer, cheeseburger.''

That sh*t is great. The only bad part is...

you cannot pass out around white people.

Every time white dudes | pass out around each other...

they always do some borderline-gay sh*t | when the guys are sleeping.

''Frank fell asleep so we, like, | stuck a carrot in his ass...

''and put shaving cream on his balls.''

Why, motherf***er? | Why'd you do that to a friend of yours?

He trusted you to sleep around you. | You put a carrot in his ass?

Is that nice?

I'll tell you, | if I put a carrot in a black dude's ass...

he will kill you when he wakes up | for some sh*t like that.

That is an automatic death sentence | on the street.

It's a wrap for you. | ''I'm gonna kill that motherf***er.''

''I thought you all was friends, baby. | What happened?''

''I fell asleep at his house. | We was drinking. I fell asleep at his house...

''and while I was sleeping, right....

''I'm gonna kill that motherf***er. | That's all you need to know.

''And f*** carrots.''

But everybody's getting along.

I see that sh*t. I see it all around.

Blacks and whites don't fight so much.

You know who don't have no beef | with anybody is Asian people.

I see how you all be doing.

You all just lay in the cut.

The only people Asian people beef with | is other Asian people.

Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese. | I've done this.

They'll flip out. ''Hey.

''What makes you think I'm Chinese?

''I am Korean.

''Do I look Chinese?''

Yes, motherf***er, you do look Chinese. | That's why I said it.

It's an accident. To the untrained eye, | you all look Chinese to me.

It's a mistake. I'm not trying to offend you.

Some say all black people look alike. | We don't get bent out of shape.

We normally | just call those people ''police,'' okay?

Just learn to live with it. | That's all I can tell you.

Just learn to live with it. | That's all I can tell you.

Everybody's afraid of the police now.

I'm scared to death of these police.

I am. I got a police scanner.

First money I got, | that's the first sh*t I went out and bought.

I just listen to these motherfuckers | before I go out.

Just to make sure everything's cool.

You hear sh*t on it. ''Calling all cars.

''Be on the lookout for a black male | between 4'7'' and 6'8''.

Staying in the crib tonight. F*** that.

Gotta work on that alibi for a minute.

Every black person needs an alibi.

I do them impromptu joints.

If I'm by myself and need an alibi...

I open up the windows in the apartment, | turn the lights on...

start beating off right in the window.

Hey, everybody. Look, it's me, | Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I'm jerking off.

Note the time, motherfuckers. It's 2:35.

Look at me, | I'm jerking off in the window, 2:35.

Comedian Dave Chappelle, | June 10, note the time.

That sh*t could save my life.

''Officer, Chappelle couldn't have done that.

''I saw him in his window masturbating | from 2:35 to 2:37.

''I'm certain of it.

''He was standing on a clock | and holding a calendar and today's paper.''

F***, I need an alibi. I can't be no celebrity.

This sh*t is just the worst.

I'm seeing it. I see why stars are crazy, man, | these motherfuckers.

I went to Disney World with my kids, | which is a big deal for me.

I don't get to see my kids so much.

I do Chappelle's Show 20 hours a day. | Sleep for, like, half an hour.

Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes | and I go back to work.

Now...

this particular day | I got to hook up with the kids.

We went to Disney World. | Everybody at the park...

f***ing everybody.

''Hey. I'm Rick James, b*tch.''

It's like, ''Hey, man, hey...

''you mind not calling me a b*tch | in front of my kids?

''Time out, motherf***er. We take a day off.''

Even Mickey Mouse did it.

I said, this is the most unprofessional sh*t | I have ever seen in my life.

''Rick James, b*tch.''

I was fed up.

I caught that motherf***er with an uppercut.

Knocked his head clean off.

Everybody was screaming. ''Oh, my God.

''Mickey Mouse is Mexican.''

I had a terrible time in Disney World.

Disney World's like another country anyway.

They got their own currency. | That sh*t is ridiculous.

Soon as I check into the hotel:

''Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle.

''Can we interest you | in some Disney dollars?''

''No, man, I'm cool.

''Can't buy weed and p*ssy | with Disney dollars.

''I'm on vacation.''

I like them greenbacks.

I Iike them greenbacks, | you know what I'm saying?

The kind of money people spend. | people are very particular about that.

One of the main stories from the war was....

The first big thing we did was they said, | ''Now that Iraq has been liberated...

''we have managed to take | Saddam Hussein's face off of the money.''

And I'm not gonna lie. When that | press conference came on, I was choked up.

I was actually proud to be an American...

because that is a very subtle | psychological nuance of oppression...

to have a dictator on your money.

And it's thoughtful to be able to | take that motherf***er off...

for the goodwill of another person, right?

But then I thought, if you could do that | for Iraq, what about our money?

Our money looks like baseball cards | with slave owners on them.

George Washington's the worst of the worst.

Yes, I said it.

We mythologize this motherf***er | like he was the greatest dude, man.

If I went back in time with a white person...

and we saw George Washington | walking in front of our time machine...

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote