Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth Page #4

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my white friend would probably say, | ''Dave, look, there's George Washington.

''The father of this great nation. | I'm gonna go shake his hand.''

I'd be on the other side like, | ''Run, n*gger! George Washington!''

And we'd both be right.

You like him because he wrote the | Declaration of Independence and that sh*t.

''We hold these truths to be self-evident.

''All men are created equal.''

''Go get me a sandwich, n*gger, | or I'll kill you.''

''Liberty, justice for all.''

Am I wrong? | Wait a minute, did he not own slaves?

That's all I'm saying.

I almost protested the war | in the beginning. Almost.

Till I saw what happened to them | Dixie Chicks. I said, ''F*** that.''

If they'll do that to three white women, | they will tear my black ass to pieces.

I don't wanna hear that sh*t.

Yeah, man, they would.

But I'm, like, for real, why do you care | so much what the Dixie Chicks are saying?

It's not like they're political scientists. | They just can sing good...

you know what I mean?

Stop worshipping celebrities so much. | Just don't pay attention.

I remember right around September 1 1, | Ja Rule was on MTV.

That's what they said. | ''We got Ja Rule on the phone.

''Let's see what Ja's thoughts are | on this tragedy.''

Who gives a f*** what Ja Rule thinks | at a time like this?

This is ridiculous. | I don't wanna dance. I'm scared to death.

I want some answers | that Ja Rule might not have right now.

You think when bad sh*t happens to me, | I'll be in the crib like:

''God, this is terrible. | Could somebody please...

''find Ja Rule? Get hold of this motherf***er | so I can make sense of all this.

''Where is Ja?

''I need Ja Rule.''

I don't even know why people listen to me.

I'll say anything. | I've done commercials for Coke and pepsi.

I don't give a f*** what comes out | of my mouth. I say what it takes.

Whatever it takes, that's what I'm saying.

If you wanna know the truth, | can't even taste the difference.

Surprise!

All I know is, pepsi paid me most recently...

so it tastes better.

That's pretty much how the game goes.

I'm just being real, man.

There's too much goo-gaa over celebrities.

people don't know what's fake | and what's real anymore.

That's why Bill Cosby got in trouble.

Look what happened to Bill Cosby. | Bill Cosby said some real sh*t...

and the whole world freaked out on him.

For what? For having an opinion?

Because he was selling pudding pops | for the last 40 years...

people forget that he's a n*gger from philly | and the projects.

And he might say some real sh*t | from time to time.

It's not that big of a deal.

I spoke at my old high school | and I told them kids straight up.

If you guys are serious | about making it out of this ghetto...

you gotta focus...

you gotta stop blaming white people | for your problems...

and you've gotta learn how to rap...

or play basketball or something, n*gger. | You're trapped! You are trapped.

Either do that or sell crack. | That's your only options.

That's the only way I've ever seen it work.

You gotta entertain these white people. | Gotta get to dancing.

Go on out there and be somebody.

I just hope they listen.

This sh*t is ridiculous. people worship | television. They worship this sh*t.

You know, like, if you watch a movie.

Say you're watching a movie. | One character says to another character:

''What's your number, man?'' | What does the other character always say?

''555-5555.''

You know why they gotta do that?

Because stupid-ass people | go to the movies...

then go home and try to call the characters | that they just saw.

''Hello, is Indiana Jones there?''

No, motherf***er, he's fake. | It's not his number.

To be honest, this is the worst time | in history to be a black celebrity.

F***. They're locking all our stars up.

It's hot right now for black celebrities.

I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble. | I said, this is a wrap for us.

He's one of the most wholesome dudes | we had.

And they lock him up and everything.

And Kobe kept it together. | Thank God he held his game together...

because if he was cracking under pressure | and getting like, six points a game...

the whole of L.A. would be like, | ''That n*gger is guilty.''

Kobe was playing his ass off.

He was playing | like his freedom depended on that sh*t.

You see this motherf***er in them games...

this n*gger's trying to beat that case | on the court.

Like the judge threw him the ball. | ''play for your freedom.''

If I could talk to Kobe, I'd say, | ''Just relax, you'll be fine, man.''

'Cause the public is still giving Kobe | the benefit of the doubt.

He's one of the few black celebrities | getting that.

Not cause he's a celebrity, more because...

the girl showed up with | eight different semens to the investigation.

You can't do that.

That's seven too many.

That's a lot of semen. | This b*tch's got Noah's Ark in her panties.

What's she trying | recreate humanity or something?

She's a collector.

Every unsolved mystery, | the answer might be in this girl's panties.

That's the first place I'd look.

OJ's other glove is in there.

Bigfoot's footprint.

Three CSI reruns is in that motherf***er.

She's got the most diabolical drawers ever.

F*** being a celebrity. | This is not the time to be a black star.

They're locking all our stars up.

Black celebrities. | It's a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it.

It's all OJ's fault.

Ever since OJ got away, white people | just been locking up our stars, one by one.

It's true.

And it's all.... It's not even OJ's fault. | It's our fault.

We celebrated too openly | when OJ got acquitted.

We should've been quiet about that sh*t.

Soon as there's, ''Not guilty,'' | n*ggers are dancing.

Oh, in your face, in your face.

Hurts, don't it? It hurts.

Burns, doesn't it, man? | Oh, that justice system burns, doesn't it?

Welcome to my world, motherf***er, | and all that sh*t.

White people wanted OJ's ass bad.

The city of L.A. spent over $1 2 million | just trying that motherf***er.

And the look on white people's faces | when he was acquitted...

priceless.

And that's why I don't trip off | being a celebrity. I don't like it.

I don't trust it.

One minute they all love you, | the next thing you know...

you're in front of a courthouse | dancing on top of a car...

trying to figure out | what the f*** happened to you.

That's what I'm waiting for...

'cause the timing of this Michael Jackson | sh*t is what makes me doubt it.

Every time there's wars going out of control, | or the economy is bad...

or something is wrong | with the world at large...

it's always these moments in history...

that Michael Jackson will coincidentally...

jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous.

Are you planning this sh*t? | You have meetings?

''Michael, thank you for coming.

''As you know, the war has not | been going as well as we expected.

''There's been a lot of hiccups, | and the public is asking us...

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