Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth Page #5

---

''a lot of questions, of course...

''and well, Michael, | there's no nice way to say this...

''and all I know how to do is be direct, | so let me just be direct.

''We're gonna need you to jerk off | another child, Mike. I'm sorry.

''I am sorry.

''But, it would really help out.''

Or maybe he didn't, who knows?

That's the thing, that's what I wanted to say, | who knows? Who the f*** knows?

Mike, God, and this little boy knows. | That's about it.

The only reason that I can even | talk about this sh*t...

is because everybody is speculating.

They all think he did it. | I don't think he did it.

I'm alone in this. I don't think he did it.

I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it. | That's too strong.

Let me just say I am reserving judgment...

until all the facts come out.

So far from what I heard.... | I mean, the kid said he's dying of cancer...

he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation.

He claims he had two weeks to live | and it was his dying wish...

to meet Michael Jackson.

Come on, man, give me a f***ing break.

This kid is 10 years old. | He don't remember Thriller.

What the f*** he want to meet | Michael Jackson for? Honestly.

I remember Thriller and I just, like, | kind of want to meet this n*gger.

I wouldn't break an appointment | to meet him.

I'll put it that way. | I'd have to already be free.

That's ridiculous. | If I'm dying in two weeks and go:

''Mama, get me in a room | with Chubby Checker''...

I wouldn't want to meet that motherf***er...

not in my last two weeks. | Why not Usher or somebody like this?

So then the kid claims...

he goes to Michael's house. | This is where it all gets crazy.

He does everything | that you'd expect at Michael's house.

They climbed trees and rode roller coasters | and Ferris wheels.

The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes.

They was petting a monkey and giraffes, | singing songs. Kid sh*t.

And in the middle of | all this childlike activity...

for some reason...

Mike put out some wine and some pills...

and sucked this kid's dick.

Folks, it hurts me to say it.

And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse.

Motherf***er, that is a good host.

God damn. What else do you want?

I'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink | at my friend's house...

let alone a roller coaster ride | and my dick sucked.

Mike must be confused like, | ''I brought you in my house, I fed you...

''I sucked your dick, and this is how | you repay me, motherf***er?

''This was your wish, not mine.

''Thought you were dying in two weeks. | What happened to that?

''I've been in court for a year-and-a-half. | You get stronger every time I see you.''

Wouldn't it.... This is f***ed, though. | I shouldn't even say this.

Wouldn't it be some ironic sh*t...

if they found out through this case | that the cure for cancer...

was Michael Jackson | sucking your dick, somehow?

Like if Mike had powers like Green Mile...

and all the kids are like, | ''please, Mike, suck on this.''

''Never again.

''They didn't appreciate it.''

''Can we at least study your saliva?''

''please, Mike.''

It doesn't stop, though. It just doesn't stop.

And the only reason I can talk about Mike is | 'cause he's a freak.

He is a freak. | That's why people let you talk about him.

If I brought up Catholic priests f***ing kids, | it'd get quiet as sh*t.

But when Michael Jackson does it, | it's okay, because he's a freak.

His face is all cut up.

And just remember, when you look at | that thing that he calls his face...

that he did that for you somehow.

Somehow he thought maybe it'll help.

''Maybe people will like me more | if I turn myself into a white...

''ghoulish-like creature.'' | I don't know what it is...

but he did it for you.

And I appreciate the gesture, | Michael Jackson.

If you're watching this, | I appreciate that gesture...

and I want you to know, f*** everybody.

Dave Chappelle understands. | 'Cause you wanna know something?

I'm getting some work done. Surprise. Yes.

Nothing major. | You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you...

but it's some sh*t I'm insecure about | that I wanna work on.

If you must know...

I'm getting Botox done on my balls | to get these wrinkles out.

Finally, to have these | just as smooth as eggs.

Oh, I can't wait.

I cannot wait.

And I'm not stopping there. | That's just phase one, baby.

I'd be like Bob Vila, | these old balls, I'm fixing them up.

I'm plucking all the hair out.

I gotta make room, I know this.

I'm gonna tattoo a gangster-ass face on...

with mean expressions, like this.

Then I'll grow the hair back on the bottom, | so they got beards like me.

Then I'm hitting that beach | and looking for ball-suckers.

I'm gonna wear some high shorts, like this.

And walk up to women with a confidence | I've never had before.

''pardon me, miss...

''I don't mean to be rude...

''but do you suck balls?''

''Excuse me?''

''Miss, relax, you didn't even let me finish.

''Do you suck these balls?''

''Oh, my God, | those balls are as smooth as eggs.

''Yes, I'll suck them.''

I've played this scenario out in my mind | a million times, ladies.

That's how it always ends, | ''Yes, I'll suck those balls.''

All our stars. R. Kelly pissed on his victim.

I know it was rough...

but I mean, again, | I can't even judge R. Kelly.

We don't know | if these allegations are true or not.

Even if they are true, if you wanna know | how I feel about it, honestly...

if a man cannot pee on his fans...

I don't wanna be in show business anymore. | Because that's why I got in the game, baby.

I got dreams, too.

You guys are confusing the issue.

While you guys are busy worrying about | if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not...

you're not asking yourself | the real question...

that America needs to decide | once and for all.

And that question is:

''How old is 15, really?''

No, that's a good question.

I'm not saying that a person is as smart | as they're gonna be at 15.

That's not what I'm saying, man.

But I am saying, 15 to me...

is old enough to decide...

whether or not you want to be pissed on. | That's me.

If you can't make a decision like that | by the time you're 15...

then just give up, motherf***er, | because life is way harder than that.

I make tougher decisions all the time.

You don't wanna get pissed on, | get out of the way.

It's not even a decision.

If I start peeing on the front row | they won't have to calculate and think:

''How do I feel about this? | Am I okay with it?'' They just move!

You can do that at 15. I could have.

I've been 15. When I was 15, | I was doing stand-up in nightclubs.

I smoked reefer from time to time.

My friends were selling crack. | I was trying to finger-f*** people.

I knew what was happening around me | to some degree.

Getting pissed on | was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me.

But it keeps coming up. | There's a lot of confusion around that age.

Any time 15 comes up, people freak out...

Iike when that girl | Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped.

Right?

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote