Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth Page #6

---

In Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl | Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped...

then they finally found her | and the whole country was relieved.

And I was the only one saying, | ''Damn, she wasn't that smart after all.''

Not 'cause she got kidnapped. | That could happen to anybody.

I'm not knocking her for that.

I'm just saying, | if you kidnapped me when I was 15...

you gotta take me further than 8 miles | away from my house, man. God damn.

You can't hold me prisoner around sh*t | I recognize. I'll break away.

F*** off, that's my bus stop. | I know where I'm at. I'm going home.

She was missing for six months | 8 miles away from her house.

That's two exits, man. That's nothing.

While she was missing.... During | this half a year that this girl was missing...

there's a 7-year-old black girl | gets kidnapped in philadelphia.

Nobody knows her name. They might've | talked about it a few times on the news...

but she should've been the top story.

She chewed through the ropes and had | both of these motherfuckers in jail...

in 45 minutes flat. Seven years old.

I'm not making this up.

These two crackheads kidnapped her, | took her to the crackhouse and tied her up.

And then they left her.

They gotta make moves, | crack to smoke, chocolate to eat.

They made moves. They was out.

Soon as they left, | this little girl got to nibbling.

She's kidnapped at 4:00 and at home | watching herself on the news at 5:30.

That sh*t is crazy. That's a news story.

Now...

meanwhile in Utah...

15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors | left her alone, too.

And they didn't even tie her up | 'cause they're hillbillies.

They just bounced.

''Don't try to escape, b*tch, | or we'll kill you. Be right back.''

They leave. And she's 15 | sitting in the house by herself.

''How am I gonna get out of this?

''Come on, Elizabeth, think.

''Think, Elizabeth, | how am I gonna get out of here?''

Just open the f***ing door and go outside.

Have you thought about that?

You have a quarter? | You know your phone number?

You're 15, b*tch! Run! | Stop thinking and start making moves!

I know I sound mean. | people are thinking when I'm saying this:

''Dave, she's only 15.''

All right, but that's the discrepancy...

'cause when you talk about | a little girl like Elizabeth Smart...

then the country feels like 15 is so young | and so innocent.

On the flip side, here comes 15 again.

Now we're talking about a 15-year-old | black kid in Florida.

This black kid | accidentally killed his neighbor...

when he was practicing wrestling moves | that he saw on TV.

Now, was he a kid? No.

They gave him life. | They always try our 15-year-olds as adults.

''This n*gger knew what he was doing.

''He's a goddamn pile driver.

''This kid gets on the ropes, | there's no stopping him.

''We'd have to send The Rock to arrest him.''

And they gave a 15-year-old boy...

life in jail.

If you think that it's okay | to give him life in jail...

it should be legal to pee on him.

That's all I'm saying. You gotta | make up your mind across the board...

how old 15 actually is. That's all I'm saying.

I'm gonna tell you right now...

if somebody comes in here, | puts a gun to my head and says:

''Chappelle, you got a choice to make.

''You're either going to jail for a month | or we'll let you go...

''but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you.''

I'm not hesitating.

''Bring in R. Kelly and tell him | to stay away from my eyes.''

I'd rather get pissed on on the outside | than f***ed in the butt on the inside.

I can't go to jail | with some smooth Botox balls...

and think everything's gonna be all right. | It's not that kind of place.

Take my chances with that piss. piss | will wash off with a 10-minute shower.

I'm certain of it. | ''This piss is coming right out.

''What could I do? | They were gonna put me in jail.''

Society is changing rapidly. | You can't smoke indoors.

Society is changing rapidly. | You can't smoke indoors.

What the f*** is that all about?

I got kicked out of a titty bar for smoking.

No, that sh*t was ridiculous.

The stripper did it. | The stripper came up like:

''Your smoking is a health risk for me. | I don't wanna work in this environment.''

B*tch, you had your gonorrhea-infested | p*ssy in my face. You started it.

And they threw me out.

It's the dirtiest place | I've ever been thrown out of.

And just to give you an idea | of what I mean by dirty....

Lap dances at this place: $3.

It's f***ing disgusting.

And at the same time, | who could pass up a sale, son?

It was $3! Of course I did it.

It's only 1 2 quarters.

Said, ''I'll break a five for that.''

I've never seen somebody work | this hard for $3.

This lady must've been a throwback | to the Great Depression.

She was all over me.

It's the first time I ever told a stripper | to get off me.

''All right. Yeah, thank you very much, miss. | Thank you.

''That'll be all.

''That's enough, thanks. Hey, get off of me!

''Whatever happened to lipstick | on the collar, lady?

''I have a sh*t streak | on the middle of my shirt.

''How the f*** am I gonna explain this | when I get home?''

''Oh, no, baby, me and Bob | were playing basketball...

''and Bob dunked on me. | He was hanging on the rim...

''and his pants fell down.

''I was checking up close | and he was swinging...

''and his butt cheeks might've.... | His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt.

''Why I was playing ball in my dress shirt?

''I don't know. It was midnight. | What the f***?

''Just let me think.''

That's a guy lying, | when he says sh*t like that.

''Hold on, just let me think.''

Your man ever said that to you? | ''Hold on, just let me think. Can I think?''

You guys have made too much progress | too fast.

Not too much, but you're just confused. | You made so much progress...

you even confused.

Men and women, both like, | ''What just happened?''

Women got all this money now | but they're still like women.

''Oh, you never take me anywhere anymore.''

You'd be thinking, | ''B*tch, you got more money than me...

''you never take me anywhere anymore.''

At the same time, | you don't treat a man like a man.

You don't cook, you don't clean, and | you don't do anything a motherf***er says.

You tell him what to do. | Women do this to men all the time.

''Come on!''

No man wants that sh*t.

I don't want anybody | to tell me what to do that much.

You gotta work with me. | Like if it makes a man feel like a man...

to watch the game, let him sit down | and watch the game for a minute.

If he happens to look over at you | while watching the game...

don't look at him all mean | and make him feel guilty about watching it.

pick up your own titty and suck it. | Just try it out.

He will instantly remember | why he fell in love. ''Oh, that's right...

''I forgot my girl sucks her own titties | from time to time.

''I can't walk away from that.

''It's too hard to find.''

See? That took 20 seconds. | You can be just as busy as you want...

suck your own titty and everything's cool. | Or how about this?

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote