Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly

---

Wooo!

Ya'll gone make me lose my mind.

Up in here! Up in here!

Y'all gone make me throw her out.

Up in here! Up in here!

Y'all gone make me act a fool.

Up in here! Up in here!

Y'all gone make me lose my cool.

Up in here! Up in here!

From the historic Lincoln Theater

in Washington DC.

Dave Chappelle!

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

All right.

No really.

Boy.

Well, it's good to come home, boy.

I swear.

I know, man. It's been a while.

It's been a while.

Hey.

DC is different.

I've been gone, man.

It took me years to be

able to do the show.

Boy, DC has changed.

It's different now.

There's a lot of white people

walking around, isn't there?

I mean I left DC in the 80s. It

was not like this in the 80s.

When crack was going on.

Remember when crack was going on?

White people would be looking

at DC from Virginia with binoculars.

Boy, that looks dangerous.

Not yet.

New white people. You can't

scare these white people.

I tried.

You roll up on 'em: BOO!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Those days are over.

I'm glad that were doing

a show here by Howard, you know.

You see like white people come out.

And that's good.

One thing I'm seeing.

Ever be walking down the street. And you

see like a group of black dudes walking.

Not just any black dudes.

We're talking, you know, thugs.

Talking, you know.

They'll be some thugs, man.

And in the group, in the group

they got like one or two or sometimes

as many as three white guys.

Ever see this sh*t?

Let me tell you something

about those white guys.

Those white guys are the most

dangerous motherfuckers in that group.

It's true.

It's true, man.

Ain't no telling what they done to

get those black dudes' respect.

But those black dudes have seen them

do some wild sh*t. I'll tell you that.

I've been trying to tell brothers that.

Every group of brothers should

have at least one white guy in it.

I'm serious. For safety.

Because when ship goes down..

Somebody's gonna need

to talk to the police.

I mean that's when that

That's when that white

friend comes in handy.

Uh-oh. Ernie, wanna get this one for me.

Come on now. Come on now.

Do something.

The black people are very

afraid of the police.

That's a big part of our culture.

No matter how rich you are.

No matter how old you are.

We're just afraid of them.

We got every reason

to be afraid of them.

You know what I mean. You're a white

lady. You ever been pulled over before?

What do they say?

Let me see your drivers license

and your registration, right?

See? See I'm just guessing.

That's not what they say to us.

You wouldn't believe

what they say to us.

Spread your cheeks and lick your sack!

Like what the heck?

Excuse me?

You heard me. Spread open your

cheeks and lift your sack.

I got a driver's license too.

It's an easier way to

prove who I am, isn't it?

What does that prove?

I can't go to the bank like that

cash my check.

What you mean, I don't have my ID.

Wait a minute.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Chappelle.

Right this way.

Why didn't you spread your

cheeks when you came in here?

Scared of them.

I'm serious, man.

There will be a red light. The

police might pull up next to you.

It won't be no big deal for you.

But I'm f***ing fall apart hard.

Don't look over there. No no no.

But I didn't always know.

It was a black thing. It took

me a while to figure that out.

I learned that sh*t

when I was in New York.

I was in New York City.

Now I was hanging out with a friend

of mine. He was a white guy.

We was hanging out.

We were lost in the city.

You know, smoke a joint.

I don't know if it was a coincidence.

We were lost and high and sh*t.

My white buddy, he was smoking a joint.

Dave. Dave!

It's the God damned cops.

I'm gonna ask them for directions

I said Chip, no!

Chip, don't do it!

It was too late.

He was walking over there.

This man was high as sh*t.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me!!!

I need some information.

He starts confessing things

he shouldn't confess.

I'm a little high.

All I wanna know...

which way is 3rd Street?

The cop is like, hey, take it easy.

You're on Third Street.

You better be careful.

Go ahead. Move it.

Move it.

That's all that happened.

It's the end of the story.

Now I know that's not

amazing to some of you.

But you ask one of

these black fellows,

that sh*t is f***ing

incredible, isn't it?

A black man would never dream

of talking to the police high.

That's a waste of weed.

Serious.

I'm scared to talk to the

police when I'm sleepy.

F*** around and get the

wrong idea or something.

Oo-oh!

Oh my God!

That nigga was on PCP, Johnson.

I had to use necessary force.

You saw him.

No, no paperwork.

Just sprinkle some crack on him.

Let's get out of here.

That's how it is.

But at the time I didn't think there

was anything racial about it.

I was like, man, Chip. You got f***ing

lucky. You better be careful.

But then another time, me

and Chip were driving.

No I'm not driving.

Chip is driving. And he's

driving a little crazy.

He's been drinking.

I don't like to let my friends

drive drunk. But you know

I was smoking a joint. I couldn't

really say sh*t to the guy.

Now we get to a red light.

We stop at a red light.

And a cop pulls up next to us.

And I'll never forget it.

Chip looks at me and goes.

He's all drunk and he's like "Dave..."

I'm going to race him.

I knew it was a bad idea.

But I was high.

I tried to explain to him

that it was a bad idea.

But all that came out was

Well, maybe sometimes we gotta race?

All right!

Man, that light turned green.

And Chip took off.

Zig-zagging and sh*t so

no one could pass him.

The other car didn't

know it was racing.

Then the police seen us.

And pulled us over.

You understand I'm scared as sh*t.

I mean, come on.

The car smells like weed.

He was speeding.

This man is f***ing drunk.

I'm scared.

Chip was not scared at all.

It was weird. He didn't

even turn his radio down.

Isn't that weird, a little bit?

I mean you get pulled over,

wouldn't you turn your radio down?

Nobody wants to get their ass

beat for a soundtrack and sh*t.

You know what I'm saying?

Chip in the music blasting.

We're not gonna take it.

Earlier today, just relax.

Close your butt cheeks.

Relax.

Let me do the talking.

You wanna know what he said?

This is almost exactly what he said.

I couldn't believe it. He says.

Sorry, officer, I...

I didn't know I couldn't do that.

I was f***ing shocked!

The cop said, well now you know.

Get outta here. Get

the f*** outta here.

Chip said, okay. I will, sir. Thank you.

What?

What's wrong with you, Dave?

I didn't know I couldn't do that.

He said, that was good, wasn't it?

Because I didn't know

I couldn't do that.

I'm shocked.

I wasn't shocked at the audacity.

I was just shocked because I

would've never thought to say that.

I don't think anybody I knew

would think to say that because

they know we know the law.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes