Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly Page #3

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And the baby... the baby

didn't even look scared.

It was just standing there.

I mean, it made me sad.

It made me sad, really, cause...

You know what I mean?

Cause I wanted to help the baby.

I was like, "Mm-mmm, I don't

trust you either. I'm sorry."

Click.

CLICK!

The old baby on the corner trick, eh?

Not gonna fall for that sh*t.

So where's this limousine driver?

You know, I start feeling bad.

As time goes by, I start feeling worse.

Like, "Man, what is wrong with me?

What the hell is wrong?"

I am scared of a baby.

You know, this baby could be in trouble.

He might need my help.

I gotta do something.

But I wasn't gonna get out the car.

I'm serious, man. I just cracked

the window a little bit.

It was an old limousine.

I could roll it down and sh*t.

"Hey, baby!"

Baby, go home, man.

It's 3:
00 in the morning.

What the F*** are you doing up?!

The baby said, "I'm

selling weed, nigga!"

I said, "Ohhh sh*t."

I wasn't expecting that.

I'm serious.

I had to buy two bags from

him to calm my nerves.

"Let me get two.

Let me get two times."

Got back in the car and

rolled me a joint.

That sh*t was scary, man.

Every once in a while,

like, a crackhead would

come up to the car and

look in the window.

It was like Jurassic Park and sh*t.

He'd be looking around the car...

"All right. Get outta here, cracky."

That baby was still

standing there, man.

I was like, "What the... ".

Then I started feeling bad again.

You know how weed make you

feel guilty sometimes.

You be like...

"Man, what is wrong with me, man?"

I have just bought

weed from an infant.

I can't condone this kind of behavior.

What am I thinking?

I can't let the fear ruin my morals.

"Gotta do something."

"Hey baby."

Stop selling weed.

"You got your whole life ahead of you."

He said, "F*** you, nigga!

I got kids to feed."

I was like, "God DAMN."

Sad.

Now just at that very moment,

one of the crackheads

was running across the

street and got hit by a car.

Now I know it was a hit-and-run:

The police did it.

That's all right.

They sprinkled some crack

on him and he got back up.

I'll be seeing that kind of sh*t, man?

It's what it is.

They use the TV to program

us, from a young age.

You ever watch, like, a

cartoon that you used

to watch when you were

little as an adult?

That sh*t is wild sh*t..

Some wild sh*t.

I mean, I was with my nephew.

We're sitting there, we're

watching Pep Le Pew.

And I say to my nephew, I said "Now pay

attention to this guy cause he's funny."

I used to watch him

when I was little."

And we're watching Pep

Le Pew and I'm old now.

And I'm like "Good God..."

what kind of f***ing

racist is this guy?

Like "take it easy, Pep."

My nephew was sitting there

cracking up:
"Hehehe."

See? Sometimes you gotta

take the p*ssy like Pep.

You're like "No!"

Nooo!

I had to turn the channel real quick.

I turn on Sesame Street and I

say (phew) "Sesame Street."

This is much better cause now he'll

learn how to count and spell."

But now I'm watching it

as an adult and I realize

Sesame Street teaches

kids other things:

It teaches kids how to judge

people and label people.

That's right.

They got a character on

there named Oscar...

and treat this guy like sh*t

the entire show.

They judge him right in his face.

"Oscar, you are so mean.

Isn't he, kids?"

"Yeah, Oscar.

You're a grouch."

He's like, "B*TCH, I live

in a F***ING trash can!"

I'm the poorest motherf***er

on Sesame Street!

"Nobody's helping me."

Then you wonder why the kids roll

up and step over homeless people.

"Get it together, Grouch."

"Get a job, Grouch."

So don't even tell me how

to get to Sesame Street.

It's a terrible place.

I wouldn't go there if I knew the way.

Who would wanna live in a

neighborhood like that?

F***ing six-foot pigeons

walking around and...

and elephant that's a junkie.

"HI, BIRD."

Yeah, that's right. Snuffy!

"HI, BIRD. I'm sick.

I need some smack, BIRD."

The Cookie Monster with his eyes

popping out of his head, screaming:

"Cookie cookie cookie!"

You're like, "Ergh!"

What kind of cookies

are you talking about?

"Chocolate chips don't

do that to people."

And they had the nerve

to put a pimp on there.

They didn't come out and say he was a

pimp, but I know a pimp when I see one.

They called him The Count.

Had a cape and everything.

You'd have seen him pimping.

"B*tch, where is my money?"

You've been late four times.

I've been counting.

How many times must I smack

you before you act right?

One!

Two!

TWO SMACKS!

"Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, ah, ahhhh..."

That's the thing.

There's so many stuff... there's

just so much stuff to worry about.

You know, the more you know, the

more you don't know and sh*t.

You know.

Like a lot of people are telling me,

"Dave, you know, you just gotta relax.

That racism thing has been

bugging you too much."

I'll be thinking about it.

Sometimes sh*t will happen. You know.

A lot of black people

will relate to this.

Have you ever had

something happen that was

so racist that you

didn't even get mad?

It's like, "Goddamn.

That was rac... that was racist."

I mean it was so blatant,

you were just like "Wow!"

Like you were almost like, it

didn't even happen to you.

It was like a f***ing movie.

That was like you were just watching

Mississippi Burning: "Wooow."

That happened to me.

I was in Mississippi.

I was in Mississippi doing a show.

And I go to the restaurant

to order some food.

And, I say to the guy... I say:

"I would like to have..."

And before I even my sentence, he says:

"The CHICKEN."

I was like, "What the... f***."

I could not believe it.

I could not believe that sh*t.

This man was absolutely right.

I said, "How did he know..."

that I was going to get some chicken?"

I asked him.

I said, "How did you know that?"

How did you know I was going

to get some chicken?"

He looked at me like I was crazy.

He said, "Come on, buddy.

COME ON, BUDDY."

Now everybody knew that as soon as you

walked through the goddamn door...

you were gonna get some chicken.

It ain't no secret down here

"that blacks and chickens are quite

fond of one another."

And then I finally understood what

he was saying, and I got upset.

I wasn't even mad.

I was just upset.

I wasn't ready to hear that sh*t.

All these years, I thought I liked

chicken because it was delicious.

Turns out I'm genetically

predisposed to liking chicken.

That sh*t is whack.

I got no say in the matter.

That guy ruined chicken for me.

I'm scared to eat it in public.

I don't want someone to

see me and say something.

You know what I mean?

You'll be eating some chicken:

(CRUNCH) (crunch) (crunch-crunch)

"Look at him."

He loves it.

Just like it said in the encyclopedia.

"Look how happy he looks."

Sometimes, that's gonna

be too much to deal with.

That show business be crazy.

That's where the

cultures really collide.

Show business bring a

lot of races together.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't.

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