Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly Page #4

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This is one thing that

happens that's funny.

You sometimes I'll be on

a business call, right?

You know, like, with... with

a lawyer or something.

You know, my lawyers be white.

And uh...

So like, we'll be on a call, right?

And they'll be like:

"OK, Dave, we're gonna close the deal."

Is that fine with you?

I'll be, like, "Yeah,

that's good for me."

"Great! Great.

You have a good weekend, Dave."

I'll be like, "Alright. You too, man.

Peace."

"Uh... all right now. Bye-bye."

They don't know what to say, right?

So sometimes I'll make

up sh*t that's not even slang.

Just to see how they

handle it and sh*t.

It'll be the same thing, they just go:

"All right, we're gonna close the deal.

Is that fine with you, Dave?"

"Yeah, it sounds good to me."

"Great.

You have a good weekend, Dave."

"All right, buddy.

Zip it up, and zip it out."

He'll be like...

"Uh..."

All right.

"Zippity-doo-dah, bye-BYE."

Sometimes, you know, sometimes racism

works out in black people's favor.

It doesn't happen often.

It happens very rarely.

But... when it happens,

it is f***ing sweet.

I'm serious.

One time, racism saved my life, man.

I was... I was on a plane.

I was c... I was coming from overseas.

And... I don't know how this guy

got a machine gun on the plane,

but he stood up, man.

He said:
"Everybody! Get

on the f***ing ground."

NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE!"

I started freaking out.

Cause he was Chinese.

I was like, "Why is he

talking like that?"

He was screaming and crying.

I was the only brother on the plane.

Well, I thought I was

the only brother.

I looked over, there was one other

black dude. He was from Nigeria.

I looked over at him, he was

looking right at my face, man.

He didn't say two words, he was like:

He didn't need to talk.

I knew just what he was talking about.

I looked right back at him.

I was like (gives thumbs up)

Some white dudes on the

front of the plane seen us.

They were like:
"Oh my God."

"I think those black guys

are gonna try to save us."

Nuh-MMMM.

We were just communicating that

we understood the situation.

We were both seeing the same thing.

What we understood was simple.

Terrorists don't take black hostages.

That's the truth.

I have yet to see one of us on the

news reading a hostage letter.

"Mm."

They is treating us good.

Uh, we all chillin' and sh*t.

I'd like to give a shout out

to Ray-Ray and Big Steve in...

"Newport."

You're not gonna see it.

Terrorists are smart.

They know what they're doing.

They're, you know...

They're terrorists.

They know that black people

is bad bargaining chips.

They call the White House, they say:

"Hello."

We have got five black...

"Hello?"

We be back in D.C.

You know what I was thinking, man?

This... This is an election year.

I'mma ask you, you're a white guy,

do you know who you're voting for yet?

Don't know, do you?

Now you see that?

You see what just happened here?

Let me tell you something,

that is a cultural thing.

He knows who he's gonna vote for.

He's just not gonna tell me.

See?

I've noticed that.

That is a cultural thing.

White people do not like to talk

about their political affiliations.

It's a secret.

You ever ask a white guy

who he's voting for?

"Hey, Bob. Uh, Bob. Who

you gonna vote for?"

"Dave, Dave!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."

Mmmm... Take it easy now.

Take it easy.

So anyway, um...

I was f***ing my wife in her ass, right?

And... and...

"I mean, it was something else."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

but... but who are you voting for?"

"Dave!"

Dave, come on with the voting.

I'm trying to tell you about

how I f***ing my wife.

"And you're asking me all

these personal questions."

They don't like to divulge

that information...

cause it matters to them.

Black people talk about that sh*t.

Black people will openly talk

about politics.

Black people will openly talk about

beating up politicians and sh*t.

"If I see George Bush, I'll kick his

motherfucking ass for cutting my Medicaid."

They don't care. They'll just say it.

Black people will just say it.

But there's a reason for that.

Because it matters more..

It matters more.

Black people... see, even when I

vote, right, which I don't, but...

but even when I like think about

like who I would vote for, right?

I don't even look

at their political policies.

I just look at their character.

You know what I'm saying now?

You gotta... no, I'm serious.

You gotta read between the lines.

Like you know, you look at Clinton.

And black people like Clinton.

I saw one thing on the campaign trail.

He actually just picked a

black baby up and kissed him...

"Come here, little nigga baby." Mwah!

Just kissing him.

I said, "Mmmm-hmmm!"

I like that.

He did not hesitate or nothing.

You see George Bush Jr.

He'd be like:
(kiss) "Ew."

That was fun.

Like see I'd never vote

for George Bush Jr.

But I don't know George

Bush Jr.'s politics.

The only thing I know about is

that that guy sniffed cocaine.

That's right.

Now listen, we cannot have

that sh*t in the White House.

That might be fine for a mayor, but

goddamn it, not in the White House.

Not in the White House.

Mmm-mmmm.

You hear what I'm saying?

The stakes are too high

in the White House.

Can't have no cokehead

president, mm-mmm.

He'd be selling nuclear secrets

for 20, 30 dollars and sh*t.

He'd be at meetings,

embarrassing America.

"Come on."

Sign the treaty, baby.

"I'll suck your dick."

Like what the...?

"Mr. President!"

Mr. President, that is not how

we do business here, sir.

"Stop sucking the ambassador's dick."

"No, let him finish."

I will sign the treaty.

"There will be peace in Israel, finally."

I'd vote for Clinton again if I could.

At least... It's always better...

Now again, I'm not

looking at his politics.

Don't know what his politics are.

I'm just looking at his behavior.

I understand that kind of behavior.

I know a lot of dudes

with them shortcomings.

Weed smoking fornicators,

there's a lot of them.

I mean, come on now.

Let's... let's be honest.

Let's be honest.

Bill Clinton was not the first

president to do what he did.

Now let's just... let's just...

let's think back for a minute.

Remember a guy named... named Kennedy?

John F. Kennedy.

Remember him?

He f***ed Marilyn Monroe.

Matter of fact, him and his brother

Bobby f***ed Marilyn Monroe.

And history doesn't

talk about that much.

You know why history doesn't

talk about that much?

Because those two pages in

history are stuck together.

They was gettin' it on.

They were gettin' it on.

I seen the tapes. Remember the tapes?

She be singing all nasty as his

party, stressin' him out and sh*t.

"Hap-py birth-day.

Mis-ter Pre-si-dent."

"B*tch, my family's here.

Mm-mmm."

Clinton did the same thing, but

he didn't do it like that.

Because it's the year 2000.

He's busier than Kennedy was.

He was a busy man.

Clinton did that kind of thing

the way busy men do it.

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