Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly Page #5

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You know what busy men do?

They f*** who's close to them.

I could tell that was

what Clinton was up to.

Looked like he just stuck his head

out the office door and sh*t.

"Ehh, oh boy!"

You!

You, come here. Come here.

I need my penis sucked before my 3:30.

Come on.

"Oh, boy."

He was probably looking at

Kennedy's picture and sh*t.

"Oh." (salute)

And then to top it off, he lied.

Which I thought was just...

I thought that was special.

I did, man.

I know how he did.

I've been accused of having sex with a

girl I did not have sex with before.

And let me tell you something,

that sh*t is infuriating.

You ever go through that?

You know, it'll make you crazy.

You'll be screaming

at your best friends.

"I didn't touch that b*tch!

Nigga, I'll kill you!"

F*** you, nigga! I'll kill you!

Please believe me.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

But Clinton didn't do it like that,

did he?

Clinton came out

at the press conference all relaxed.

His shoulder's all relaxed, looked like

he just got done f***ing or some sh*t.

"Listen."

Let me tell you something, America.

I don't think you heard me

the first time.

I did not...

have...

sexual...

relations...

with that woman!

(sniffs finger)

Miss Lewinsky!

You know he did it.

You know he did it.

Everybody knew what that

finger smelled like.

Nobody cared.

Nobody cared.

We all watched.

We was disgusted but

we kept watching the news.

I know I did. I was taping it.

See, I'd be at the crib like:

"Baby, turn the lights off.

News is coming on."

Every week on "60 Minutes," it was

a different girl accusing Clinton.

Remember when Kathleen Willey came out?

She was upset.

"The president..."

called me into his office.

He...

began...

massaging my breasts...

slowly.

I'm sorry.

And then he placed, my hand...

On his genitals.

Ed Bradley was shocked.

Ohhh!

"Was he aroused?"

I was at home like,

"Yeaaah, was he aroused?"

And then Ed Bradley looked

right in the camera, he said.

"Don't bust that nut yet.

We'll be right back."

Oh, man.

The news had never been so good.

But there were no victims.

There were no victims.

Only one I feel sorry for

is that, uh, Lewinsky.

I feel little sorry for her. Don't y'all

feel a little sorry for her at all?

Audience:
NO!

Goddamn, y'all, come on now.

Have a heart.

That's a hard thing to

be famous for, you know.

Ain't nobody want to be the most famous

cocksucker of all times and sh*t.

I feel bad for her.

Not even the women feel sorry for her?

A little bit, ladies?

Women:
NO!

Now that's jealousy.

That's what that is.

I mean, come on, y'all.

That's one dick that

that girl sucked that's

gonna haunt her for

the rest of her life.

Long after she's spent that money up,

that's still gonna haunt her.

And I know there's a lot of women in

here with at least one dick they regret.

And I bet you it wasn't

a president's dick.

I bet you he worked at Kinney shoes

or Safeway or some sh*t like that.

Don't go judging her.

Don't go judging her.

See, we gotta stop judging people.

That girl was young, and she made

a mistake that young girls make.

She wanted to f*** a powerful man.

Period.

That's as far as she thought it through.

She wasn't thinking about how

powerful the president was.

She had no wisdom.

An older woman would've

helped everybody.

An older woman would've been in there.

"You know, um, you should lower taxes."

You know what I'm s...

An older woman would've

sucked us into Utopia.

The last thing I'm gonna

say about it is this:

He is a famous man.

I have dreamt of being famous, but I

never dreamt of being that famous.

I never understood how

famous a president was.

But imagine if someone could suck

your dick and then they're famous.

You understand what I'm saying?

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

I mean, no guy ever thought of that.

There's nobody with a pickup

line that good and sh*t.

"Hey, suck my dick.

There's a future in it."

"Oh, that's it."

Now get out there and be somebody!

Go write a book.

You're a qualified author now.

Go write a book.

Sh*t, I'm in the wrong business.

I should be the president.

Sh*t, I'm in the wrong business.

See the only reason why I

want to be the president

is because I'm black, that'd

make it too hot for me.

I mean you know... I mean, there could

be a black president one day, but...

You don't wanna be the first one.

I mean the second or

third is fine, but...

That first nigga better watch out.

I'mma tell you that right now.

Too hot.

I mean I'd be the first black president.

I don't think that nobody

would really, really hurt me.

I'm sure somebody'd want to hurt me.

But I don't think they'd touch me.

Cause uh...

Cause my vice president will be

Mexican for a little insurance.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, you could

shoot me if you want.

But you're just gonna

open the border up.

You might as well leave me and Vice

President Santiago to our own devices.

"Ain't that right, Santiago?"

"Si!

Siii!"

"Elin can stay..."

Don't worry, don't worry.

I ain't got no Elin jokes.

All I'll say about Elin

is thank God he's Cuban.

Cause if he was Haitian, you

would've never heard about his ass.

Mm-mmm.

If Elin Gonzalez was Elin Lemumbo

from Haiti, they'd have pushed that

rubber tube right back and say:

"Sorry, fella. All full.

Good luck."

The only thing in our society

that bothers me the most

is the way that men and women

don't get along no more.

That's really what's

bugging me about it.

Men and women just don't get along.

Like I hear women say this all the time.

I know a lot of you sisters be like:

"Chivalry is dead."

Don't y'all feel that way?

Like men aren't gentlemen anymore?

That's right:

Chivalry is dead.

And women killed it.

There's a fundamental difference

in the way we're gonna see things.

We're not gonna see eye to eye

on this issue.

We're just not.

Our tests in life are different.

A woman's test in life is material.

A man's test in life is a woman.

Now by test, I mean that those

are the things that we desire.

Men have nice cars.

Not cause they like nice cars. Because

they know women like nice cars.

That's how it goes.

Cause men are hunters.

And the car is the bait.

And a woman comes up and

says:
"Ooh, nice Porsche."

"Gotcha, b*tch!"

That's how it is.

That's true.

Come on, man.

You go to a woman's house,

her house will be comfortable as sh*t.

Women love comfortable surroundings.

So men get comfortable surroundings.

Let me tell you something:

If a man could f*** a woman in a

cardboard box, he wouldn't buy a house.

But that's still not where

chivalry got killed.

Chivalry got killed

by the feminist movement

on all them magazines

that got women going crazy,

because women got too much advice

about men from other women.

And they don't know what the

f*** hey're talking about.

And it's true.

I see the sh*t in the magazines.

I don't read 'em, but I

be seeing the cover.

You ever be in the grocery store,

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