Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly Page #6

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fellas,

you look at one of them

magazines like "What is this?"

And it say on the cover:

"A hundred ways to please

your man" by... some lady.

Get outta here, man. Come on.

Ain't no hundred ways.

That list is four things long.

Just suck his dick,

play with his balls,

then fix him a sandwich

and don't talk so much.

And they're gon' be happy.

That's it.

And then the magazines trick the women.

The magazines start picking

at your self-esteem.

Every page you turn, you start

feeling fatter, and uglier.

And you feel like your

clothes aren't good enough.

And the magazines have you forgetting

how f***ing beautiful you are.

And that's what happens.

Now look what happens.

And then you forget how beautiful

you are, and we all suffer.

If p*ssy was a stock, it

would be plummeting right

now because you've flooded

the market with it.

You're giving it away too easy.

I'm just... being truthful.

I'm just talking.

It would plummet!

We'd be watching the news.

"Today, p*ssy plummeted

again on the NASDAQ."

"Gold is up ten points."

You can see it.

You ever have this happen?

This is how confusing it is.

This is the practical application

of what I'm talking about.

Like a guy will be out...

this happens a lot, guys.

You'll be at a club, a bar, right?

You're just kicking it

with your boys, and

a girl walks by, and,

man, she looks good.

She looks good.

Not good in that classical way.

I mean, you know,

I'm talking good like,

she got half her ass

hanging out her skirt.

Her titties are all mashed together...

Popping out the top of

her turtleneck and sh*t.

And you're with your buddies, right?

You're with your buddies, you

got a couple of drinks in you.

And you see a girl. You

might try to talk to her.

It just might not come out right.

I don't know what you'd say to her:

"DAMN, look at them titties!"

The girl gets mad at you.

"Oh, uh-uhh. Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute!"

Just because I'm dressed

this way, does NOT...

"Make me a whore."

Which is true.

Gentlemen, that is true.

Just because they dress a certain way

doesn't mean they are a certain way.

Don't ever forget it.

But, ladies, you must understand

that that is f***ing confusing.

It just is.

Now that would be like me,

Dave Chappelle the comedian,

walking around the streets

in a cop uniform.

Somebody might run up on me.

"Oh, thank God."

Officer, help us. Come on.

They're over here.

"Help us!"

I'm not gonna be like: "Oh!"

Just because I'm dressed this way

does not make me a police officer."

You understand what I'm saying?

It's like, "All right,

lady, fine, fine."

You are not a whore.

"But you are wearing a whore's uniform,

I'll tell you that sh*t right now."

Little misunderstandings can happen.

And then, man, we

misunderstand women a lot.

You know, we always

undermine their feelings.

You can't do that to them.

You can't because... see,

feelings are... You see?

They're clapping.

Feelings are very important to women.

They are all-important to women.

I'm just learning this sh*t.

Everything is based

on how they "feel".

You could hear it when

they tell stories.

You ever tell... when a man tells

a story, it'd be just facts:

Who, what, when, where, why.

"It was me and Bob."

We was at Safeway, then

that nigga Bob said this.

"Then I punched that nigga, then

I broke out." That's the story.

That's the story.

Women tell stories, and all

these feelings come out...

"Well, first of all, you have

to understand, I was on my period.

And I had just talked to my

mother, so I was feeling like... ".

Goddamn, so many feelings.

What the f*** happened?

Get to it. Get to it.

But they gotta talk about 'em.

They gotta talk about 'em.

That's how they always get me.

I'll be sitting there, watching

TV, chilling and sh*t.

My old lady come up to me:

"David, we need to talk."

"F***!"

I don't say that out loud.

That's how I feel inside.

Because I know every time

we need to talk,

we need to talk about some

sh*t that I gotta do.

We don't ever have to talk about

anything she needs to do.

She leaves me defenseless.

I have to do what I have to do.

"David, we need to talk."

"Mah."

"Don't do that to me, David.

This is serious.

Stop talking in that voice."

"No, see!"

I gotta do this, see!

"Maaaah! Seeeee."

I complain, but I'm happy

that I'm with somebody.

I don't wanna be...

I don't wanna be single.

I don't like that.

Sometimes, you go to them

single clubs, you see too much.

See I was on the road,

one club, and I seen...

I see a thing they call

a "thong contest".

Man:
YES!

Yeah, I've seen a thong contest.

Man:
SCANDALOUS.

Yeah, it's some scandalous

sh*t, all right.

I couldn't get over that, man.

Cause the DJ, you know, I was

dancing with a girl, the DJ says:

"Everybody who wants to be in the thong

contest, please report to the DJ booth."

Girls like, "Excuse me."

They put on that song. "Let me see some

THONG thong thong THONG thong." thong."

Them girls was going off!

Some of them pulling their pants down.

Some of them pull their skirts up.

All of them shaking their butts.

Some of them didn't

even have underwear on.

They were just f***ing

shaking their butts.

I mean, really, I was f***ing disgusted.

But I couldn't turn away.

For the squeamish,

please plug your ears.

All right.

One of the girls gets so into it.

There's no cops around, right?

But she actually, sorry to tell y'all

this, she spreads her buttcheeks open.

She spreads her buttcheeks open

in the middle of a crowded disco.

Right?

I was disgusted

cause I was like ten yards away from

her and I was like, "Oh my, GOD."

"Is that her...

is that her birth canal?"

Oh it gets worse.

I'm like, "Good God almighty,

is that a... is that a baby?!"

I know, that's gross. It's gross.

Cause it was a baby.

It was the same baby from the projects.

He's like, "I snuck in the club, nigga!"

I got that weed if you need me.

Just pat her on the ass

and I'll come out.

All right, guys, thank you very much.

Thank you all.

Good night.

Woo!

Ya'll gone make me lose my mind.

Up in here! Up in here!

Good night. Good night!

Up in here! Up in here!

Y'all gone make me act a fool.

Up in here! Up in here!

Y'all gone make me lose my cool.

Up in here! Up in here!

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