Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid Page #4

Good...

I'd like to discuss

something with you.

- Where to?

- Take me home.

There was no way I was gonna

take her home. Her father hated me.

So I told her to meet me at a motel and

I'd show her something with my hands.

Come in.

Well, Jimmi Sue, you ready?

What are we going to do?

Kinsey from cover to cover.

Has anyone ever told you that your lips

are like two succulent Brussels sprouts...

- waiting to be buttered and bitten?

- Plenty of men have.

Really?

Have these men ever told you...

that your eyes are like Chinese coins

with dollops of caviar in the center?

Can't you see how happy

you and I would be here?

Yes, I do. But I want you to come

back to the city with me first.

I'm working on an important case. It's

dangerous, and you'll probably be killed.

- But if you love me, you'll do it.

- Yes, I do love you.

And I love you. And I mean that more

than anything I've ever said in my life.

I rented an apartment and started giving

Jimmi instructions on how to pump Neff.

She took direction like

a pig takes to garbage.

Here's a picture of our Mr Neff.

Do, whatever you have to...

To find out what happened

on the Immer Essen.

Your father threatened to have me

beat up if I continue to see ya.

Thought I'd drop over there tomorrow

with a little peace offering.

What could I take

that'd soften him up?

He never had a dog

when he was a boy.

Never had a dog?

Mr Altfeld?

Totally house-broken.

His name is... Ramon.

He's yours.

Get out, thief!

I'm not stealing your daughter. I'm just

borrowing her for an important case.

Don't go near my daughter. Don't try to

see her. Don't write and don't phone.

Can I use her underwear

to make soup?

- Get out!

- Mr Altfeld...

By helping me, your

daughter's life is in danger.

But she may save hundreds of lives.

You wouldn't stand in the way of that.

Why certainly I would!

I'd frame you or kill you... if

it would protect my daughter.

And I brought you a puppy,

something you never had as a boy.

Now get out!

Come on, Ramon.

You don't deserve a puppy.

Wait!

Pick that up.

- But it's all soft and steamy.

- Pick that up!

You're a sick man, Altfeld.

You can make me pick up dog dirt, but

you can't stop me seeing Jimmi Sue.

- You want a puppy?

- I'd love a dog.

Thank you.

- Here's something for you, too.

- Thank you.

Eugh!

Well, Larry, Moe and Curly.

Thanks, Dan.

Not a nice way to treat a friend

of Mr Altfeld's daughter.

There's only one way to treat you.

You got some pretty

smart monkeys here.

I notice this one's wearing

a Phi Beta Kappa key here.

Your move.

I'm gonna have some

sense beaten into you.

What's he payin' you boys? I'll double

it and we'll beat the sh*t outta him.

All right, Dan.

Rigby?

Rigby?

Rigby?

Juliet!

Those dirty bastards!

Beating up a woman.

They even knocked your

breasts out of whack.

Rigby?

Juliet... Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

- You look awful.

- It's all in a day's work.

No, Rigby. It's not worth it.

- I want you to quit.

- Why? Because I've been roughed up?

You've also been

shot and drugged...

And probably had to go to bed

with women you didn't know.

You're just upset about

me interviewing blondes.

You can forget about it.

I've decided to get the

information myself.

How?

By disguising myself

as a beautiful blonde.

- Do I look like a dame?

- Not as much as I do.

- I haven't turned on the charm yet.

- Rigby, I wish you'd let me go instead.

Have Neff try and feel you up?

No chance, Dollface.

You don't want

Mr Neff to feel me up?

That doesn't mean you're beginning

to... care for me, does it?

I don't want any of

my clients felt up.

I'm late. Neff cruises supermarkets

every Thursday looking for blondes.

If I'm half the woman

I think I am...

I'll have a date with

Neff by tonight.

Good luck.

Neff's favourite hunting ground

was Jerry's Market on Melrose.

I spotted him right away and sidled

down the aisle opposite him.

I was wearing a special

perfume called "Fondle Me".

Its aroma drew Neff to me

like fat to a mother-in-law.

He was a ladies' man, all right.

He made me feel beautiful, alive.

He asked me up to his place,

and I didn't play hard to get.

All right.

On his home ground, Neff was more

aggressive and I played along.

- I'm crazy about you, baby.

- I'm crazy about you too, Walter.

That perfume.

What's the name of it?

"Fondle Me".

Silly!

That's the name of the perfume.

- I feel like a drink.

- All I've got is bourbon.

I'll make the drinks.

Sit over there.

I wanted to knock him out fast. I slipped

him 15 milligrams of Aphrodisiamil...

And hoped it would take effect

before he tried to pick my lock.

Sorry, Walter. That's as far

as I go on a first date.

I didn't know what I was looking

for, but what I found was dynamite.

The passenger list of the

Immer Essen's final cruise.

It was the same as the

Carlotta "Enemies" list.

One name rang a bell. Cody Jarrett,

captain of the Immer Essen.

I went to the public library and looked

up everything I could on Captain Jarrett.

"Framed Because He Knew Too Much."

"But He Refuses to Divulge What He

Knew to Anyone but His Mother."

I hoped to find out why the passengers

on the Immer Essen's final cruise...

Were being knocked off one by one.

They all must have seen

something. But what?

What do you think?

I think you enjoy

dressing up as a woman.

Jarrett's mother's the only

visitor he'll talk to.

And I think I look enough like her

to get a gift on Mother's Day.

Rigby, wait!

Don't... don't call me Rigby.

I'm worried. Since you

were beaten up...

I've had nightmares about

something awful happening to you.

I care about you, Rigby.

What?

I care about you.

What's the matter?

You. You're the matter.

Did... did I... do something wrong?

Yeah. You crept into my gut.

You've got me thinking silly thoughts,

like... hanging up my gun for good.

Becoming a one-woman guy.

Settling down in an

ivy-covered cottage...

Raking leaves out

of the backyard...

Squeezing orange juice

for you in the morning.

You'd do that for me?

- Yeah, I would.

- Rigby.

Cody Jarrett's mother.

Hello, Ma.

My name is Reardon. I have

important news for you.

So just pretend I'm your ma, OK?

The paper said you were hit in the head

by a flying wrench in the machine shop.

Friends of Carlotta are after

you because you know too much.

- I see what you mean.

- So the flying wrench was no accident.

For a minute I thought it was.

Something like that may

happen again, so...

The guard looks suspicious.

Act like I'm your ma.

- Sure.

- Pretend I'm crying. You comfort me.

Relax, Ma.

Say something like,

"No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me."

No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me.

That was good. Real good.

Look, as long as the other

prisoners can get to you...

You're not safe. But don't

worry, I have a plan.

I contacted Warden Dudley,

who owed me a favour.

I asked him to let me pose as a prisoner

so I could keep an eye on Jarrett...

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