Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid Page #6

the passengers spoke German.

- German?

- Our friend Rice was there.

They gave him a packet.

It was marked today's date...

- and "Final Instructions".

- How do you know?

I was hired to protect Rice until he

gets on that plane with Kitty Collins...

Tonight after the

Carlotta Festival.

Why are you telling me this?

Because the lives of

millions of innocent p...

Carlos? Carlos!

Carlos!

Damn.

Where are you and

Rice headed tonight?

What do you know about a

plane with Germermans on it?

Germerm... Germans.

Germermans.

There's a plane with mermans on it.

The plane's in town.

Ethel Merman came in on it.

Wanna go see Ethel Merman with me?

I'll buy two tickets.

Let me get on my pajamas,

I'll be ready to go.

I'd done some brilliant

things in my time.

Asking Kitty Collins to mix me

a drink wasn't one of them.

When I came to, I could make out

only light and shadow at first.

Then I saw an unfamiliar face.

But even in my stupor...

I knew he was one of the big

fish in the conspiracy: Rice!

Well, I believe that

about winds things up.

- I'm gonna wind you up on a rope.

- But you're the one who's gonna die.

Better make it look good. If anything

fishy happens to me, the FBI...

It'll look very natural.

People who know Rigby Reardon know

I'd never die a natural death.

Do you think I'd leave

you around to talk?!

You've already talked too much!

Hold it, Rice!

You're not getting on that plane

tonight. I want those papers.

I'm gonna walk out of

this room. You won't shoot.

I won't?

That was a warning shot, Rice. And I

don't fire as many of 'em as I used to.

Rigby! Seor!

- I heard shots.

- I'm all right.

- Rice went that way.

- Come on, Carlos!

Are you wearing pajamas?

Seor, I'll help you take them off.

I don't need help with

my pajamas! Stop!

- S.

- Carlos!

S. Don't worry about your

pajamas, seor. I'll take care of them.

Out of the way! We are

chasing a killer!

Everybody stand back! He's with me.

Coming through!

Seor!

Cuidado, seor. Cuidado!

- Stand back!

- Cuidado!

Seor! Your pajamas!

Forget the pajamas!

- Are you all right?

- It's just a bullet.

My wife Carmelita will suck

it out. Go ahead, seor.

And don't worry about your

pajamas. I'll take care of them!

"Final Instructions".

So that's their game.

"Rasmussen Place".

The last thing I expected to see was

Juliet and her father, alive...

Talking with their butler, who

was dressed in a Nazi uniform.

Yeah. That explained a lot.

Why Juliet was able to translate

German, for one thing.

I'd been played for a sucker.

But it wasn't too late

to set things straight.

Yaaah!

OK, hands in the air.

Over on the steps. Let's go!

It's time for a class picture. Tall

ones in back, short ones in front.

Now sit! Hold hands.

Now smile.

- That's nice.

- Rigby...

Hold it! Stay where you are,

you dirty, lying Nazi scum.

Rigby!

I should have known. I fell for a

dame who played me for a sucker.

No, Mr Reardon. She did not

play you for a sucker.

I did. Pretending to be a butler, waiting

on inferior races was galling to me.

- But I fooled everyone.

- You see, Rigby? I didn't betray you.

- How did you know to come here?

- Marlowe told me.

That's how I found Daddy.

I smelled his cheese molds.

I am sorry to interrupt

such a tender scene...

But we have a plan

to carry out now.

- Who are you really, kraut?

- Field Marshal Wilfred von Kluck.

- At your service.

- Von Kluck?

Former chief of Hitler's

Special Secret Weapons Corps.

I'm flattered. How did you know?

I figured out your

whole stinking scheme.

How you duped Dr Forrest into helping

you. How you flew in your agents!

The finest officers

in the Fhrer's army.

- Former army.

- For the moment.

But we shall rise again.

- We'll see about that.

- How did they use Daddy?

Bullet-head here found out your father

had developed a cheese mold...

So powerful it could decompose

rocks, trees and mountains.

He devised a plan to dissolve

the entire United States.

At first your father gave this

swine information because...

Please, Mr Reardon. Allow

me to tell the story.

- Your father went along...

- Mr Reardon.

It is customary in these situations for

the developer of the plan to describe it.

I beg your pardon. It's customary for the

private eye to tell how he figured it out.

No, it is my right!

We were able to dupe Dr Forrest by

posing as a humanitarian organization...

who planned to wipe out hunger

by aging cheese faster.

- When he saw what they were doing...

- He assembled lists of our agents...

- And seemed about to go to the FBI...

- We had to drug him and bring him...

Here, faking his death so

there'd be no investigation...

But while testing the mold

on a small island nearby...

The Immer Essen passed by. Some of

the passengers saw the island dissolve...

They were therefore

labeled "enemies".

We had Neff cancel all

further tours, and our...

Friends systematically began to

eliminate everyone on that cruise ship!

- Schweinehund!

- Jerk!

Now...

We are ready. Our agents

have just returned...

After planting cheese

bombs throughout America.

With America destroyed,

we will win the next war.

And the one after that, too!

When these switches are thrown, your

meddling country will disintegrate...

Like a moldy hunk of Liederkranz!

Hold the mold, Kluck. Those

switches aren't going to be thrown.

Und I think they will be.

Halt ihn!

Good... good.

I'm sorry to prevent your

becoming a hero, Herr Reardon.

Actually, it is too bad you

and I are on opposite sides.

I admire your tenacity. Under

different circumstances...

I might have even allowed you to live,

perhaps as my... valet, or butler.

And what would you have me

become, Herr Field Marshal?

- What?

- I said...

What position could I hold

in your "New Order"?

Juliet! What are you saying?

He's a Nazi! Don't beg a Nazi!

Would I be your... Reinemachefrau?

Ja, you could...

you could be that.

- What is that? What is it?!

- Tell him.

- Reinemachefrau.

- Rrrreinemachefrau.

It means she could be

my... cleaning woman.

Cleaning woman!

All right, join your pals.

Let's go! Move it!

Great work, Juliet. Go find

Carlos Rodriguez for me.

All right.

Your having that gun won't

stop us, Herr Reardon.

We are a dedicated people,

willing to sacrifice ourselves!

There are only six bullets in

that gun. There are nine of us.

Thus at least three will survive

to throw those switches.

OK. But who's going

to win the lottery...

And who's going to lose?

Cowards! Fools!

I'll do it myself!

Sorry, pal. You're through.

Not... quite.

At least... we got...

Terre Haute, India... na.

Damn! They were just about

to get a public library.

Carlos, lock these creeps up.

With pleasure!

OK, creeps. Vmonos! Let's go!

Schweinehunds! Pig dogs!

I pity the Devil the day you

boys start arriving in bunches.

Seor Reardon, when will

you be leaving Carlotta?

- Next plane out, Carlos.

- Aha!

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