Dealin' with Idiots

---

[film projector whirring]

[phonographic record

crackling]

"Take Me Out

to the Ball Game. "

Sung by Edward Meeker,

Edison Records.

[]

[music ends]

I know I've been outta town.

I've missed a lot of games, but...

How's it going?

You enjoying baseball?

Not really.

What do you mean,

"not really?"

I'm just not good at it.

Not good at it?

Yeah, I think you're good.

No. Out of every person on

my team, I'm the worst.

Really?

I'm surprised. You must

have a really good team,

then, if you're the worst.

Let me tell you something.

You gotta do a lot of bad,

bad shows...

before you become

a great comedian.

Do you know how many

shows I did

that I stunk up the place?

I betcha a million.

I bet you a million.

Literally, a million.

So, I think the more you

play baseball,

- the better you're gonna be.

- Yeah.

Just like me with comedy.

And who's funnier than

your dad? Anybody?

- No.

- Nobody!

- Right?

- Right.

Am I the funniest guy

you know?

Yup. Funniest guy...

Well, you're my favorite

baseball player.

So there you go.

All right, go run ahead.

I'll meet you up there.

Wait, wait, wait...

Your bat. All right?

All right.

[bouncy, jazzy

organ music ]

Max Morris?

Oh my God.

My girlfriend is gonna faint

when she hears

Let me just get her

on the phone.

- Hi.

- Hi. All right...

Okay. No, no, no, no.

Guess, guess who's

standing in front of me?

Yes.

The... your most favorite

comedian world. Okay?

No.

No...

Yes! Max Morris!

And he wants to

talk to you.

No. He's, he's begging me.

He wants to talk to you.

Wait. Hold on one sec.

Here, here.

- Would you just say "hello," please?

- No, no, no. Seriously.

My kid's playing

in the game.

I gotta get going.

Please, it would mean

so much to her.

No, I'm sorry.

But have a nice day.

Really. Sorry.

Did you hear that bastard?

Let's hear some chatter

out there! Phht!

[cheers and applause]

Learn to slide!

Let's go! Move it!

Slide! Slide! Slide!

Good job!

Come on!

[umpire]:
Foul ball.

I got it! Mine! Mine!

Mine!

Mine, I see it!

Whoo!

Got it!

[indecipherable]

Good morning, Cub fans!

As Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks,

would always say,

"It's a great day for two. "

[silence]

Um... couple of things...

So please indulge me.

I have collated a nutrition

binder.

I've taken some pictures of

the homemade snacks

that I usually make.

Umm...

And put together, just

some ideas,

for you all to follow.

Could you just pass that

around for me?

Take a look at this...

Umm... also.

Snack table.

We need 100%

parent participation.

I need you guys... to

participate. Max, Ava?

Eva is not here, it's just

me.

All right, Max.

I've noticed that you have

not participated yet.

Oh, Eva usually takes care

of stuff like that.

Because little Jackie comes

up to the table constantly.

I love him... and I love

sharing, but...

Okay.

All right, Vicky Sue

Fitzjiminy.

I'll be paying ya soon.

Rosie.

Right. Right. Rosie.

Marty? Marty?

Umm... During this window

of time, I'm, uh,

legally not allowed to

donate anything financially,

because of my, uh,

business advisor.

But feel free to use my

name, uh, as a donor.

And you can put me down

for say, $100,

with a little star next to it.

Call me an "angel" or

some... you know,

umm... at the top

of the list.

And I'm good with that.

[whooshing sound]

[metal bat hitting ball]

[sighs]

Uh, I don't think

he wants to play.

I really don't think he

wants to play.

I'm telling ya.

He wants to play.

He just doesn't

wanna suck.

That's the problem.

He sucks.

He does suck.

Gosh, he sucks...

so bad.

It's okay, you weren't that

good.

I wasn't that good.

And it all worked out.

I think back that I was

better than I was.

[chuckles]

Yeah...

I guess that's a normal

thing to think that.

Yeah, but you weren't

that good.

You were a

pretty good fielder.

[clicks tongue] That's okay.

You know what?

Don't worry about it.

Just go hang out with him.

That's really what kids

want.

They wanna feel close to

their dad. Just, you know...

play catch... go do

something else.

Just hang out with him.

Just hang out.

I can play catch.

I can do a million other

things.

- A million things.

- It doesn't matter.

- Yeah.

- Just hang out with him.

He loves me. I love him.

That's all.

I just don't wanna be one of

those dads that, you know...

forces their kids to play

stuff and, you know...

Let him do whatever he

wants.

It's tough being a dad.

Yeah.

[dialogue fading in] I

wanna applaud you for

your, your campaign, your

fundraising effort.

Bravo. If it wasn't for

people like you,

we'd have no money at all

and this, this great league

couldn't continue. Thanks.

Coach Ambrose?

Um, I don't have my wallet

on me.

But I would love to talk

about that nutrition guide

with you after the game

maybe.

Do you work out adults?

'Cause I'd like to get a card

if you have one.

Oh yeah, we'll talk.

- Okay.

- We'll talk after.

Umm... Angela.

Could you tell

our great commissioner

of this wonderful league

that he...

came up with the rules of

100% parent participation.

And I look, shockingly, he

has not participated.

You know, he didn't give

me a budget for that.

I'm, I'm just the kid's

nanny, but... Sorry.

Okay, uh...

Our most progressive

couple...

Caitlin, Sophie. Manuel's

mama and... mommy.

- His name is Manny.

- It's Manny.

Manny. Yes. I was

wondering if he has any...

specific nutritional

guidelines?

We could have some rice,

some beans, some chips,

over at the snack bar,

if need be.

Well, considering when we

adopted him,

he was eating dirt off the

floor of a hut, umm...

I think he's, he's, uh, he's

doing just fine.

And, uh, just a suggestion

for you.

If you spent less time

taking pictures of food

and putting them into

binders, and more time

doing useful things like,

umm...

perhaps you could talk to

the city about having

- less handicap spaces...

- Mmm.

...for parking. So that real

normal people could park

in the parking lot

I- I second the lady's

motion there about

the handicap parking

spots. They should either

eliminate the ones that

aren't being used or

put on some kinda drive

to get more

handicapped people to

come out to the ball games.

That could be a lot of fun.

We could get them out on

the field with games,

and just kinda stir up the

enthusiasm.

I think we're good.

All right.

You are bat sh*t crazy.

You know,

you're a big man...

- Hello ladies. How are ya?

- Hello.

Marty, whaddaya say?

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Max!

Max, how are ya?

Hiya, Harold. How you

doing pal?

I'm well, thank you. How

are ya?

I'm, I'm good.

Good, good to see ya.

World of comedy good?

Are you still doing that bit

about, uh...

with the chicken,

and the broiled

and the baked chicken?

Is that you?

No.

That's not you?

No, no. But thank you.

[stammering]

I happen to love comedy.

I love watching you.

Yeah. Oh, hi honey.

Hi!

How are ya, Ava?

Hi, I'm good.

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