Dealin' with Idiots Page #10

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- [sighs]

All right,

I will coach... first base.

[indistinguisable chatter]

Oh! Roger!

I'm spinning my wheels!

Get me some sand!

Get some sand!

You make me sick

to my ass!

I don't even know what

that means.

I don't.

Wow, Max.

First base...

Big job.

Big job!

Come on, hustle!

Hustle, Max!

[clears throat]

Sorry, Blue.

Come on!

Get in position!

Replacement coach.

No, no.

Too close to the base!

Rule book.

Three feet.

Watch me.

Watch me!

All right, Jack!

All right.

All right, Jackie!

Rest that bat!

Just don't...

don't try anything!

Striiike!

[cheering and applause]

That was a beauty.

He should have swung!

You know,

he, he's got a strategy.

He's, he's doing what

the coach is telling him.

That's right!

And that is a good thing!

- That's a very good thing,

- Good thing.

No, no swinging.

Striiike!

Number two, Jack.

- All right, all right.

- That's okay.

[encouraging applause]

- That's great, Jack!

- Eyes here!

- Elbows up!

Eyes here, Max!

Striiike three!

- Oh!

- Way to go, way to go!

- It was a beautiful pitch!

- That's okay!

- That is okay, baby!

- Jack, it's all right!

Why didn't he swing?

All right, hold on!

Stevie!

- That's okay.

- Stevie!

- There you go!

- Come on, Stevie!

Hush, hush.

Let him concentrate.

- Swing away!

- Come on!

There's a ball!

- Yeah, that's the way!

- Good eye, good eye!

That's the way!

Good eye!

- Good eye.

- Swing away!

Ball!

Way to keep an eye on

the ball, son!

- There you go!

- Come on, honey!

What?!

What?

He called it right.

- Ball three!

- Very good.

- Very good, son!

- Let him pitch to you!

- Let him pitch to you!

- Don't worry!

You let him throw you

a good pitch, huh?

I don't even think

he's aware of the ball.

The guy can't throw.

Ball four!

[cheering and applause]

Take your base.

Take your base!

Take your base!

- Take your base!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You're on base!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Take your base!

- You're on base!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- You earned it!

- You're on base!

- Good eyes, Blue!

Good job, good job.

It's just like a hit.

- Just like a hit, Steven.

- Thank you.

Okay,

here's how you do this...

Sir!

Do not touch the child!

Don't touch him!

- Do not touch the child!

- Don't touch the kid!

- Do not touch the child!

- Don't touch him!

- You can't touch the child...

- Rule book!

Page 37!

- Okay, I won't touch him!

- No touching.

Okay, so take as big

a lead as you want.

And when he throws

the ball... have fun.

- Okay.

- Steal if you feel like it.

- Have you stolen before?

- No.

- Then today's the day.

- All right.

[upbeat, jazzy music ]

[no other sound audible]

[]

[mumbling]

Let's do this!

Eyes forward! Listen up!

Seriously, has anyone seen

Coach Ted?

Have you seen him?!

[altogether]:

No.

Gah!

[sighs]

All right, fine.

Listen...

This is it.

[exhales]

Last inning.

Last at bat.

We're down by one.

If we don't win this,

we don't go to the playoffs.

And if we don't go to

the playoffs...

it's like we didn't...

even... exist!

There will be no

monument to you.

There will be no tribute.

No one will sing

your name in a song!

We're smoke.

[imitates the wind]

We're nil.

Think about that.

Get out there and

play your pants off!

[mumbling]

Let's go!

Can you?

Get me out!

Push me!

Owww!

They gotta have posts

everywhere!

Let's go, coach!

Get your batter up!

- Get your batter up!

- Let's go, let's go!

Okay dokie,

here we gokie!

- Get your batter in the box!

- Max, watch me, okay?

I am... I'm watching you.

What...

- Pitcher!

- No batter, pitch it!

What?

Huh?

What are...

What are you doing?!

Striiike!

- Batter! We need a batter!

- What?!

- Batter! Batter!

- Who's up? Who's up?!

You can't throw to no

batter

We need to have

somebody out there.

Striiike!

No!

Barnaby, get out there!

Now!

[excited crowd chatter]

Come on, you're down two!

- Barnaby, don't swing at it!

- Only if it's good, kid.

Fundamentals!

Striiike three!

Good day, sir!

Come on, use your eyes!

Max, watch me!

I'm watching you!

I've spent the whole time

watching you!

I'm not getting this

"watch me" stuff.

Fundamentals!

Strike three!

Good day, sir!

Weak!

Weak!

All right, well now

we're in a big hole!

- A weak at bat!

- All right, Bennett!

- Bennett!

- Yes!

Batter up!

Here we go!

- Here we go.

- Two down!

[loud cheering]

- Go, go, go!

In your face, pitcher!

Get a good lead.

Get a good lead...

- as soon as he throws it.

- In your face!

- All right, Manny!

- Whoo!

Keep your elbows up!

Come on, use your eyes!

Breathe, Manny!

Breathe!

- Swing for the fences!

- Two down, two down!

- Go, go, go!

- Let's go, let's go!

Hold up, hold up!

Hold it up!

Hold it up!

Keep your foot

on that base.

Great job, Manny!

My God, did you see that?

How was that?

Ah, Jack.

[clicks tongue]

[whispering]

Let's go, Jack.

[sighs deeply]

[whooshing sound]

- What am I doing here?

- [chuckles]

I don't want to be

involved in this sh*t.

Oh, come on.

You love it.

I love the boy.

And I love baseball.

I don't know that

I love this sh*t.

[loud sigh]

You're doing great.

Well, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

I'm gonna be okay.

I'll do it.

I can do it.

Nothing to freak out about.

[whooshing sound]

[encouraging applause]

Rest the bat!

Like we talked about, Jack!

Striiike!

Just swing.

No swinging!

Keep the bat on

your shoulder!

Striiike two!

Oh, come one!

[whispering]

Swing.

I can't watch.

Remember what

we talked about!

Keep the bat on

your shoulder.

Rest the bat, Jack.

Pray for a walk, here.

Two down!

[wild cheering

and applause]

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

No, don't touch him!

Out!

- What?

- Out!

I told you not to touch

the child!

The Cubs forfeit!

A's win!

Good day, sir!

- What?!

- Out!

- No!

- What's happening?

No touching the child!

He's out!

What are you

talking about?!

That's my son!

I warned you!

Do not touch the child!

He hasn't gotten a hit all

season! We hugged!

- I said, "Don't touch him!"

- They already scored!

I warned you not

to touch the child!

What do you mean, you

warned me?!

You touched the child!

Cub's forfeit!

A's win!

That's crazy!

You know what?

You're a f***ing idiot!

You're a f***ing idiot!

What the f*** are you

talking about?!

You, You're not allowed

to touch the child, sir!

You hugged the child!

I hugged the child?!

What the f***'s wrong

with you?!

You know who

needs a hug?!

You do, you f***ing

piece of sh*t umpire!

You need a hug!

That's right!

[laughing crazily]

[grunting angrily]

Who needs a hug?

You!

You accident-prone,

swimming-fearing,

locksmith brother-hating,

copy-making piece of sh*t

motherf***er!

You! You!

You need a hug!

F*** you!

Who are you?

I got no clue who you are!

You're a parent from

the other team!

That's who you are!

F*** you!

F*** you!

[whispering]

You f***ers, you f***ers.

You ruined everything

for me!

F*** you!

F*** all of you.

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