Dealin' with Idiots Page #4

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Hello sir!

[rings bell twice]

You don't have to do that

'cause I already did it.

Stay back in the back!

Picking up my package.

Okay, what's your name,

sir?

We usually put the... the

orders. Oh, that's...

Is that it? Is that you?

That's not him. Take this

back. Did you call earlier?

Yes I did.

Uh-huh. Who did you

speak to?

Jimbo.

Well, that's me!

[both laugh]

- Good to meet ya.

- Hey.

- And I spoke to you?

- Yes.

Hey!

[paper crinkling]

- Great.

- Right there!

I even signed it.

Oh, there's no coupon

allowed with this. Sorry.

I don't have one

to give you.

Because you ordered that

two weeks ago...

And the coupon

starts today,

but you can't use it

'til tomorrow.

Oh.

Come in tomorrow and get

the same job for half price.

Thank you.

Thank you!

[door opens and

activates chimes]

Beef goulash.

It's my lunch.

I'm gonna have it

as soon as you're,

as soon as you're done.

Pretty hungry right now.

Well don't let me keep you.

Well, it's okay. It's just

sitting here.

I don't leave it in back

because, uh...

some of my food

has gone missing.

A couple of cans of this,

I've found open

and half gone.

And I'm not blaming you,

Katie, and I'm not blaming Rick.

I'm not saying they did it.

That back door

doesn't lock, so...

Well, why don't you fix it?

[clicks tongue]

[exhales]

Seriously,

you wanna go there?

[both laughing]

I'm just asking you why

you don't fix it.

There's a woman involved.

First of all.

You wanna hear it now?

Yeah,

that doesn't change things.

I still wanna hear it.

You wanna...?

My brother Andy is a

locksmith across the street.

Nothing peeves him off

more than knowing

that that back door

doesn't lock

and I ain't letting him fix it.

And I'm not letting anyone

else fix it, either.

You wanna know why?

In high school...

Andy's three years younger

than me.

I had a crush on a girl,

okay?

I'm not gonna say

her name,

but I circled her picture in

the yearbook every year

and he knows it.

He went away to the navy

after high school.

He was gone for two years,

and I took this girl out...

on three dates.

And then he comes back

and within

[yelling]

two months,

they're getting married!

And I gotta do the

invitations!

And I give him a discount.

[forced laughter]

I'm sitting back here

printing up invitations,

with her name on it and

his name!

And a carnation!

That's a flower I don't care

to look at... or smell...

ever again!

So when that door broke,

when the lock broke...

He came over,

"I'll fix that for ya. "

"No thanks, Andy. "

[smacks lips]

"What? I'll fix it.

It'll take two... "

"No thanks, Andy. "

It burns him. It burns...

in his heart...

to know, that I'm not

calling on him,

to fix that door.

And I don't let anyone else

fix it, too.

I just leave it broken.

All right, I think I got

everything I need.

[cheerful, jazzy music ]

Keep it moving!

Uh, Coach Ted, uh,

just a moment.

How come there's

so many practices lately?

This isn't about practice.

It's about bowels.

You understand?

Bowels!

Bowels and bladders.

"bowels and bladders?"

That's what it's about. See,

kids have a certain, uh uh,

chemistry in their bodies

that allows them to hold

and build up toxins

in their bodies.

All I'm doing right now is

working the toxins

off their body right now.

I'll take your word for it,

but we need more one-on-

one instruction.

So you know more than

me? Ho-ho!

You know more

about baseball

than I know

about baseball, huh?!

You don't want none of me,

all right?

I gotta go.

You know, I-I...

Work it, kids!

Well there he goes. I don't

know, is he a good coach?

Or was he being sarcastic

with me?

I think he's a sincere man,

I just think that he's

a little bit off.

Yeah.

So it's not me?

No, it's, it's not you at all.

I wish he'd spend more

time here.

I mean, he's got the kids

here and us here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[whispering]

Geez.

What?

She's just a...

big bowl of "Dear God. "

Wow!

That's the commissioner's

nanny, huh?

Yup. Angela.

You're obsessed,

aren't you?

I wouldn't say

the word "obsessed. "

I'm not going home

and thinking...

But I gotta tell ya,

when I'm here...

Uh-huh.

I'm thinking.

Yeah.

When she's in front of me.

You know what would

maybe be a good idea?

Why don't we ask Angela to

get some of her friends out?

Tell them we're gonna

have a little...

- ... charity softball game.

- Mmm-hmm.

Them against us,

or against the kids.

And tell them it's a charity

for the, for the kids,

or the veterans,

or something.

[laughing]

For the veterans?

Yeah. And tell them it's a

romp. They love that.

But anyways, if they think

it's for the kids...

Look at her, look at her.

Yeah, that's a nice looking

young lady.

But you gotta focus

on the baseball field.

Yeah, I-I'm supposed to.

Yeah.

Yeah, well...

But I like the idea of a

little, a little charity game.

Think about it. A charity

romp. And balloons...

And just a big sign that

says, "Thanks. "

So, you know,

they think they're...

You know what I'm

gonna do? Right now?

I'm gonna go down

and talk to her.

Okay. Tell 'em it's for

an outreach program.

No, I'm not, I'm not...

[laughing]

I'm not setting up

your thing.

I don't even know what an

outreach program is,

but they'll, they'll love it.

People love to...

They'll do anything.

No, I'm not setting up the

softball thing.

I'm just gonna go down

and talk to her.

I've said "hello" to her and

we've talked very little,

but I just wanna get to

know her a little better.

- All right, good.

- Okay?

- Hi Angela.

- Hi.

Ah, what a beautiful day.

It's nice.

Practice is almost over.

It's all good.

You like coming

to practice?

I do.

So do I.

- Yeah?

- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I do.

I do, I do, I do.

Love coming to practice.

Hey.

Hey!

- Hey, how are you?

- Hi.

Good.

Okay, let's go.

All right, it was so nice

talking to you.

Me too.

Oh, look.

Yeah?

Jack, hold up.

Come take a ride.

Take a ride in my

brand new Camry.

Is this a beaut?

I just got it.

Let's do the interview now.

I... don't know.

It's a hybrid! I just got it.

I just picked it up!

We'll ride around and

we'll glide around.

I'm all pumped up on

coffee. In the showroom,

I had two cups.

It was free. Come on.

Is it all right?

Oh! Whatever you want.

All right,

I'll meet you at home.

I'm gonna go ride

in a brand new Camry.

I am gonna clip a coupon

and order something.

[cell phone ringing]

Okay, sounds good.

I'll see you later.

Hey, you guys...

- Bye dad!

- What do you feel like?

- Bye!

- Hello.

[cell ringing]

Hello? Hold on.

Hold on!

Hello!

You know how

Bluetooth works?

Rosie's calling, I don't

know how to answer it.

I'm pushing every button

and... Oh God, all right.

Let's go. We'll just drop by

the house

first for just a second. How

'bout that?

Sure, we'll drop by. This is

a beautiful car.

Okay, go ahead. Ask.

What do you wanna know?

Listen to how quiet.

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