Dealin' with Idiots Page #6

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Way to go, Stevie!

Throwing smoke!

Throwing smoke!

Good arm!

Good... arm!

[gasps]

Max. Hi...

Umm...

- I hate to be nitpicky.

- Mmm-hmm.

Just wondering when

you're gonna have

that money ready?

We...

are just keeping

a running tab for you

and little Jackie!

- [chuckles]

- Mmm-hmm.

Uh, little Jackie took one

of my healthy muffins...

- He had one of the healthy muffins?

- I was so proud of him!

- Yes!

- Oh, okay.

They give you a lot

of energy.

But I will...

when I have some...

I don't have any

extra cash today.

- Okay.

- So I will...

Because they go

towards the team

and towards the

coach's gifts.

- I know... For everything.

- Okay.

By the way, I think

everyone should pay.

I'm with you.

- So I'm not against it.

- A few bucks?

But I will.

More than a few bucks.

I'm gonna throw in

a big 20.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- All right.

- All right.

Okay.

[whooshing sound]

[bat hitting ball]

When I played...

and you were coaching...

Mmm-hmm?

What were the

parents like?

Were they like these idiots?

I don't know.

I didn't know most of 'em.

You didn't know 'em?

No. How would I get

to know 'em?

They drop off their kids,

they, they leave.

They didn't even hang out?

No.

Why would they hang out?

Parents got things to do.

That's...

What's wrong with

you people?

That's what's wrong

with you people.

You're so involved.

You know? Playing catch

with your kids is good.

Showing up and saying,

"Hey, nice job!"

or you know, whatever.

That's good.

But all this involvement.

We just said what

whatever coach says.

You don't remember the

stuff your coach did?

And I was, like,

"whatever, it's the coach.

Whatever coach says. "

Okay. What if the coach

tells your kid

to keep his bat

on the shoulder

every time he goes

up to bat?

That's what the coach said!

See, that's my point.

We're in agreement.

Yeah, yeah.

We think alike.

I think just like you.

Do you know how often I,

like, do something

and I go, "That's what dad

would've done"?

Do you know how many

times I do that?

- All the time.

- Oh.

I learned a lot from you.

Well...

You're welcome.

Well, thank you.

Thank you big time.

Big time.

I just don't buy it,

I'm sorry.

I should have explained.

Now let me ask you guys

a question.

And I want you to take this

serious. Really consider it.

How much for you to go on

the field and run in a circle

around the whole field

during the game?

During the game,

while people are watching?

People are watching. Yep.

Why would you do that?

You'd be...

You'd be a jackass.

- How much money to be a jackass?

- Oh!

2500 bucks.

2500 bucks.

That makes it

just tempting.

Let's not get

Uncle Sam involved.

- Yeah.

- All right.

2500 cash, up front.

Sure... cash, my friend.

Yeah, how much

would you do it for?

- I wouldn't do it.

- What?!

- Stop it.

- I wouldn't do it.

$250,000.

- Give me another number.

- What?!

- A million dollars.

- Nope.

- Two million dollars.

- Nope.

Five million dollars.

It's not what I'm made of.

I'm just thinking

sometimes, if we were

to play in

one of these games,

how we would dominate.

Who, you and me?

Oh man, yeah.

It must be like how

McGwire felt playing,

standing up there.

[smattered applause and

distant chatter]

This is um, Hans.

This is Max.

Hi Hans!

[Austrian accent]

Nice meeting you.

You're the first Hans

I've ever met.

Really? Want some?

Oh I'll have a couple,

thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

We used to be roommates

together in Paris

when we went to

culinary school.

That was a great time,

wasn't it?

- Oh, how about that?

- That was fun.

- We had a really good time.

- Oh cool!

- Um... I gotta go...

- You and Hans.

Yeah, I-I...

I'm gonna be right back.

I gotta go to the loo.

Will you...

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine!

I'll be back in a second.

- Just... hold my spot, yeah?

- For sure.

She's going to the loo.

Which is normal to you.

To me, it's uh...

it's usually the bathroom or

the restroom.

Yeah.

So how long you

been here for?

Just arrived.

A couple days.

And your first time

in America?

First time America.

Wow! Wow, wow.

You enjoying it?

I love it. I just don't get

this sport here.

It looks fun and...

It's very confusing,

baseball,

for someone from...

where you from?

I'm Austrian.

Austria. Hans from Austria

would not understand

this right away.

I'm more soccer

and skiing, you know?

Soccer's more simple to

understand. You kick it.

You stop it.

You kick in a goal.

You count the goal.

It's easy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But here... What is this

guy, for example,

doing there? He's just

standing around

The ball to be hit to him,

maybe?

Yeah. So you've never...

You've never even seen a

baseball game?

First time.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Hey! Hey!

[laughing]

Stranger on the field!

[laughing hysterically]

Stranger on the field! Hey!

How you doing?

Get him off!

Who are you?

I'm Hans.

Who are you?

I'm Jack.

Nice to meet you, Jack.

Max, who is that?!

I don't know!

Get outtta there!

Part of the game, coach?

No, it's not part of

the game!

It's gonna be

an automatic out.

Where's Hans?

Um... right there.

Bring it in!

Off the diamond, now!

- What's he doing out there?

- Hi, I'm Hans.

- That's it, let's go!

- Nice meeting you.

That's illegal, dude. What

you're doing is...

Great man.

Ooh, yeah!

See that?!

That's what happens

around here!

[mild applause and

distant chattering]

What are ya...

What are you writing?

What I'm writing in here,

you could not comprehend

in your brain of brains.

If I let you read this,

you would throw it down

on the ground

and run to

a mental institution

and check yourself in

and request...

[bat hitting ball]

a straightjacket.

You're very intense.

Throw it home!

Throw it home!

Steven, I swear to God,

get up right now!

Steven! Get up!

Throw it home!

- You know that's her son, right?

- Go! Go! Go!

and he should throw

the f***ing ball.

For a little kid,

he's a huge p*ssy.

Suck it up!

Suck it up!

Suck it up.

The compound, baby!

Right?

This is your compound?

The compound.

Gotta use the bathroom?

Use it now.

The porta-potty's

over there.

Port-a-potty?

By putting a port-a-potty

on my property,

people can't use

my bathroom.

is people sitting their ass

on my toilet.

Shangri-la! You know?

Pool over there.

I sleep over there.

Ladies?!

My buddy Max, right here.

Hi, Max Morris.

How are ya?

Jackie.

- How are you, Jackie?

- "The Chocolatier. "

- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

I call her "Tipsy Jessica. "

- Tipsy Jessica?

- Careful. [laughs]

Um...

Jackie the Chocolatier?

- A real chocolatier?

- A real chocolatier.

You should do my podcast.

What's your podcast?

It's like sex... and science.

Like, together.

And we need to have

volunteers come,

and they have to, like,

take off their clothes...

But then, like,

we do a radio show...

But like, people don't know

that our clothes are off...

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