Dealin' with Idiots Page #7

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And so then,

it's like a party...

But, like, you know,

we don't like, f***.

Unless you want to.

- That's like totally up to you.

- No, I'm good, I'm good.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

So nice to meet you.

Podcast, you can do

what you wanna do.

So I got burgers and

you know, I carry...

I carry the burgers,

the hot dogs...

You ca... You say it like it's

a, like it's a restaurant

You "carry the burgers. "

Do you charge people

for the burgers?

Of course I do.

What are you doing?

- that you charge people?

- This is a compound.

When you're dealing with

a compound,

these kind of things

happen.

This is my buddy,

over here. Freddy.

- Playa.

- My dude, son.

You good, baby?

Ahh!

What's up? Who's this?

This is Max, right here.

Hey. Max Morris.

We don't don't this.

We do this.

- Okay.

- [laughing]

- Good to meet you, too.

- All right.

Hey, so...

They sent him to

keep the pool clean.

- The pool gets dirty.

- Uh-huh.

A lot of people come

through here.

They eat hamburgers.

They eat hot dogs.

You know, they just

dive into the water

without washing their ass.

Always take a shower.

All right. So...

- What's up...

- Here we go! Here we go!

- Whoo!

- Big Time Sarah!

- [laughing]

- That's right.

I brought the white bread.

Autobiography time.

- Oh yeah. Oh goody.

- That's what we're here for.

- but let's get down to some business.

- you all about my sh*t.

[stammering]

What is this?

Autobiography.

We're all writing

our autobiography.

You're all writing

your autobiography.

That's why you're

meeting up?

"Like me" on Facebook.

He has one.

- I have one.

- Jackie!

Jessica has one.

- All right.

- Jackie has one.

I'll just watch.

Thank you.

I just kinda wanna end my

book with, um...

"ambitions in chocolate. "

Or "finding the chocolate

lining in things. "

That's a good title.

That's a very good title.

Yeah, especially since it has

to do with all that chocolate.

If you had to put your

hand on your throat

to regurgitate,

would you be afraid

to eat your own

damn hand?

That's what I wanna know.

Well no. I'm not afraid

to eat my hand.

I've had many hands

shoved down my throat,

as you, as you all know.

You know that.

Everybody knows that.

You hold a child, right?

You hold him, you know?

I never got that.

I never got that!

- Aww...

- I never got held.

- I'm a foster mom.

- You're a foster mom?

Yeah, you wanna be held.

My things is this...

I got involved... with

coaching... kids... baseball,

'cause I was a terrible

baseball player myself.

The game tee ball?

Remember tee ball?

You put the ball on

a little tee.

- Oh yeah.

- And you hit the ball.

I struck out

playing tee ball.

And I never lived it down.

I mean, that right there,

really motivated me

to teach kids how to hit.

[stammering and

voice cracking]

I apply hitting

to everything.

Now you're hitting

everything!

I'm hitting every

damn thing.

- I'll be damned.

- I'm hitting ass!

Hitting pools, hitting

trailers, h-hitting t-shirts,

hitting the kitchen outside,

hitting the gym set...

Last week you hit my car.

All I do is hit now!

I'm a hit...

I hit-and-run last week.

Hit-and-run.

But you hitting!

All I do is hit, hit, hit, hit.

That's what I want kids

to do.

I want kids to get hits.

Thus...

That's right.

Baseball.

Freddy.

I was just thinking about

and writing about, like,

the first fight that

I almost won.

He gave me a good shot

in the stomach,

which kinda like stopped

the whole fight.

So did you put that

in your book?

- Yeah, it's in there.

- You gonna put that in your book?

I mean, it happened.

- That's depressing.

- I been there. I been there.

I had a fight with a guy when

I was a kid, and we both lost.

- That's crazy.

- That can happen.

How can you both... lost?

We both lost. It was, It was

the most horrible fight

Was it like Rocky? Where

you both, like...

- ... lay on the canvas?

- No, it was just a terrible fight.

It was just a terrible fight.

There was no winner

and we both lost.

It was the worst fight

I've ever had in my life.

That's a shame.

It was, we both lost.

[distant dog barking]

Jessica?

Uh, you know, you don't

have anything written down.

I mean, I know we offered

to help out...

I got it all up here.

- Oh!

- She's smart.

- She's f***ing brilliant.

- She is smart.

- She's very smart.

- I wish I could retain...

He's gonna, he's gonna

help me write it.

Yeah, I was gonna...

She was gonna come over

tonight and then we was

just gonna... chill.

- Practice your penmanship.

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- I got it.

- What?

- I get it. You get it?

- I think I do.

I mean, she's gonna get it.

I mean...

I know she's gonna get it.

How much do you get for

a book deal?

That's what I need

to know, 'cause

[hiccoughs] my book's

about my brand.

And like getting,

how to get a brand.

- All right, you like that?

- Yeah, I like that.

I'm gonna go swimming.

[upbeat, jazzy music ]

[gentle door knocking]

Can I... get you a glass

of wine or something?

- No, I'm fine.

- Okay.

Can you just do me

a favor, and stay behind...

right there?

You could lean,

do whatever, I just, this is,

you know, kind of a...

cooking space and

it needs to be sanitary

and all that stuff, so...

Okay, sure.

- Right here is good?

- Yeah, perfect!

All right.

Can I get you anything?

Noth... Hey!

Keep those sneakers away

from my kitchen.

Uh-huh.

Mmm. All right.

So your place has a

lesbiany vibe to it.

It really does. I feel like

I'm in a lesbian home.

There's lesbiany and not

lesbiany...

Excuse me, what do you

mean? What should...

[stammering] Is the house

lesbiany?

What should a "house

lesbiany" be...

- ... in your opinion?

- I don't know...

I've never been in a

lesbian house.

Actually, to be honest,

it is quite lesbionic.

It's very lesbian.

Lesbionic?

- Well...

- Is that a real word?

I think as real as lesbiany,

but it's, it's very...

Oh, baby!

Hi, sweetheart!

- Hi.

- How ya doing?

Did you have fun?

- I'm good.

- Did you wash your hands?

No!

We're gonna eat in like an

hour.

Permission to enter

my own f***ing kitchen?

Yes, but can you take off

your shoes, babe?

No, I'm not taking off my...

We have guests! I'm not

taking off my shoes.

I know but, don't touch!

What are you making?

It stinks in here.

- Babe, I'm making a quiche.

- Ich.

A fantastic quiche.

you're gonna make

a huge quiche for who?

Manny's gonna eat it and you're

gonna eat it and I'm gonna eat it.

Manny needs red meat.

He has a game coming up.

Why are you feeding my

son quiche?

What's wrong with quiche?

Don't feed my son quiche.

She's trying to

turn him gay.

I believe it. You know,

this is her dream.

Don't tell me this isn't

your dream.

- That's charming.

- This is her dream.

- Super-charming.

- I croak...

because I'm

a super athlete

and we always die young.

'Cause even though...

you know, we work

our bodies like a horse...

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