Dealin' with Idiots Page #8

---

- I die young...

- Thoroughbred.

she moves to

New York City,

which she never stops

talking about,

in a little apartment

with her gay son...

- He's not gay.

- ... and his lover.

- Manny is so not gay.

- She's trying to make him gay.

...and his lover,

because here's her theory.

Gay men take care

of their moms.

That's not a theory,

that's a fact, my friend.

So he'll make her up, put

a wig on her, slap some...

take her to the Met ball.

That's what she thinks!

It's very specific 'cause

it's just occurring to me.

Why is it that lesbians,

who clearly... like women,

they seem to...

One of them tends to be

more masculine

than the other one.

And it seems to be that

they're almost mimicking

heterosexual couples

in a way.

Who do you think that is

in this couple?

You know what's

interesting?

You're like the exception

to the rule.

You guys are.

[bouncy, jazz music ]

It's a long fly ball, going

back towards the wall!

He's going back!

He's going back!

And he snags it!

[laughs]

Just in front of the wall.

I do that every time.

That's a... here, take one.

A double off the wall,

in your case.

That looks really

comfortable.

It isn't really, but it's worth

the joke every time.

- Oh my god.

- So...

This is a great place to

hang out

and watch the ball game.

Ah-hah.

Yeah, I love baseball.

I love watching it.

I played it. I had dreams of

uh, of being good.

I played, I got an... offer of

a scholarship to Ball State,

but I didn't wanna go...

You know, I thought it

would be a lot of jokes.

You turned down

a scholarship

based on

the school's name?

I was cocky, you know?

I thought...

And then I wanted to

go down to Stetson.

Did you ever hear of that?

That's down in Florida.

Yeah, that's in Florida.

Near Orlando,

if I'm not mistaken.

Yeah, it is on

the east coast.

But someone said, "Oh,

you're gonna go into

the hat business?

So, it's uh, it's gonna be

a good season.

Your kid is a pretty

cracker jack ball player.

You think so?

I don't think so.

No? Well, I don't know.

Your son's the one

who's good.

Well, we're looking ahead.

We're looking to college.

I want him to get a, uh...

I'm hoping for

scholarship, uh...

I'm hoping for pro ball.

Making the big show.

That's what I'm

concentrating on.

Yeah, I just have a feeling.

He's not there yet, but um,

I'm gonna keep pounding

and keep after him. And uh

make sure he wants

to do it.

You know,

sometimes he's not sure

and I have to tell him, uh,

that he wants to do it.

I take him out to the

ball game and he loves it.

Sometimes kids don't

know what they want.

Um, I've actually pitched

to Rick.

And what you've got to do

is hit him a couple times

with the ball. Then they're

not afraid of it anymore.

You hit him? What, you

pitch the ball and hit him?

Just pitch at him.

Watch out!

Don't tell him I said that.

Can you imagine me

telling your son

that you throw at him, uh,

on purpose?

And the trouble is,

he's still afraid...

That made him

more afraid.

It would make me

more afraid too.

That's the craziest logic

I've ever heard.

But now he knows what

it feels like to be...

But, I mean, he's ten.

Shouldn't it just be

for fun now, or...

Why does it have to be

so serious?

Yeah, it could be

for fun now.

You know, you gotta

think of the future.

If you let kids

just have fun, uh...

they wouldn't do anything.

Oh crap.

Why do we bet on horses?

I- I don't get on horses.

[sighs] Well... It can be fun

if you ever win.

But you don't know what the

hell is going through their mind.

Well that's it. Thanks so

much for stopping by.

Good luck

with your project.

Aren't we gonna go

look in the house?

Uh, you can't get in

the house now, umm...

I can't get in?

You live out here?!

Yeah, yeah, temporarily.

I'm, uh...

This is where I crash, uh...

- Right now...

- Where does Ricky live?

He's with wife number two.

Mmm-hmm.

Andrea's number...

I'm joking, she's just

number four.

Uh... but she's the one...

I- I think we're gonna

get back together.

But I wanna give her

some time.

And right now, I don't want

any part of that.

Very nice house.

Thank you.

You know,

can I just say something?

Sure.

Just a... I just wanna say...

It is so... nice of Marty...

to let you have

this beautiful house

while he sits out there.

And I'm not saying that

you should feel guilty

or invite him in.

You're divorced. I...

You've...

However you've done it,

you've earned this place,

what have you, but...

What are you

talking about?

I'm paying this house,

not him.

I'm letting him stay.

You're letting him stay?

[cell phone ringing]

Yeah. Oh, wait.

I've gotta take this call.

- Hold on a sec, please.

- Okay.

[sighs]

[phone continues to ring]

Hey! Umm...

Today's not a good day.

Oh, it's not?

All right.

Well I appreciate your time

anyhow. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Thank you very much.

I didn't mean to

bother you or anything.

It's all right.

So it's really important

to ice the shoulder

that you don't use

as much?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

That's just as tired as

the throwing arm.

Huh, all right.

You eat a lot of fruit.

Oh yeah, I love fruit.

In the morning, though.

A lot of vegetables?

Love veggies.

Work out a lot?

Every day.

Yeah, I don't know

how you live like that.

It's not for everybody.

Yeah.

Get it in! Get it in!

Come bring it over here!

Coach Jimbo's got

something to say!

Parents too!

You going over to

the meeting?

Yeah, we'll be there

in a minute.

All right.

Line 'em up!

- Line 'em up.

- Parents too, please!

Parents, you understand?

Team parents.

Line up, parents!

Make a circle.

I can't express to you how

important this Friday is.

But he will!

If we win Friday,

we get in the playoffs!

Playoff time!

If we don't win, we're out!

We out!

- If we lose.

- If we lose.

We're gonna win!

But we gonna win.

Here's what we're gonna

do!

We don't have the field

before the game!

That means you gotta

practice at home!

That means, parents!

[snaps fingers]

Down to the batting cages!

And bring the kids with

you!

Three things!

No skateboarding.

- No scootering.

- Please!

No swimming.

But most importantly...

[whispers]

... no swimming.

- No baths!

- No swimming!

Do not get in the water!

Okay, I don't need any

injuries!

You can take a bath.

They can take a bath.

But I'd prefer a shower.

Don't submerge your body

under water!

That's right.

You can shower!

All right, you got

your marching orders!

Let's go!

Go Cubs!

Go get 'em!

Ah, I think I got through to

them. Not sure.

[Coach Jimbo]:
I'm gonna

call, followup with an email...

Hezekiah,

you have my word,

this is the last time

I'm gonna ask you.

But it would just mean so

much to me,

if I could just spend a

minute with you.

Here. Now. Just like, let's

just talk. Just for a minute.

I couldn't even if

I wanted to.

I'm already talking to

somebody about a movie.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes