Dealin' with Idiots Page #9

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You're talking to somebody

about a movie? Who?

Don't worry about it.

Somebody. People.

Somebody on the team?

I can't tell you that.

I can tell you that Barnaby and I

are gonna be living the high life.

Okay.

That's right.

Walk away.

Baby, you're not breathing.

[bat hitting ball]

Ah! That's my...

that's a breathe. You see?

Of course he's breathing.

He has to breath.

What do you know about

baseball anyhow,

that you're telling him this?

Jack, that's it, because

you're breathing, honey!

Well, lemme tell you this.

Hezekiah?

- Yeah.

- He's planning on a movie.

He's planning on making

a movie, come on!

Oh please, come on.

That's not important, Max.

It's just not.

This is what's important.

All right, Jack.

What do you say,

after we're done here

we go swimming?

I'd love to go swimming!

He'd love to go swimming!

No swimming!

- Yes.

- No swimming.

- Yes.

- No swimming.

Yes.

You go.

Your turn.

Okay, okay.

- What?

- Enough. Good.

That's enough swimming.

Good.

It's enough swimming?

We've hardly been in here.

That's it!

That's crazy.

It's not crazy,

it's the coach's orders.

Everybody out of the pool!

Can't you see that the

coaches orders

make no sense

whatsoever?

I actually do not see that,

to tell you the truth.

I think they make

a lot of sense.

What could possibly

happen to him?

I'm just...

I'm supporting the coach.

What's wrong with

supporting the coach?

Let me tell you something

about supporting the coach.

I just had a little talk

with Jack, okay?

And we have decided...

You're in agreement

with me, correct?

He is no longer going to

keep the bat on his shoulder.

When he sees a pitch

he wants to hit,

he's going to swing away.

Is that correct sir?

Yep.

That is correct.

Did I force you to say that?

Did I intimidate you

in any way?

Okay, your honor, I, uh...

Max.

I rest my case.

You're teaching him

to go up against authority.

You know what?

You're right.

I apologize.

Jack, you do not automatically

go up against authority.

But I'll tell you something,

man. Big lesson.

You're a little young

to bring it up,

but I'm gonna tell you

right now.

Question authority.

Question it constantly.

Question, question,

question.

I'll tell you something else.

He's more concerned with

what snacks they serve

after a game. That's right.

So let's say you have a

choice.

You can have cupcakes for

a snack after the game.

Uh, but if you do that, your

team loses nine to six.

Or you guys win nine to six

and you... get celery.

Which would you choose?

Lose and get a cupcake.

Lose and get a cupcake!

These are great life

lessons.

I say that's the attitude of

a winner!

Yeah, no. These are uh,

just the greatest

life lessons you are

teaching our son.

I don't even wanna do this

movie anymore.

- No more research.

- Good!

I just wanna go

watch my son...

have fun playing baseball.

I wanna watch our son,

too,

have fun, winning at

baseball.

I think it's actually

rude of us and wrong

to even watch him play.

I think the one thing kids

don't need to play baseball

is parents.

For parents

one game a season.

They can call it

"Parents Game. "

And the kids will know that

that game sucks.

And what are you gonna do

when parents can come?

Jack?

Your coach is your leader.

You have to respect what he says.

- All right.

If he tells you to keep

the bat on your shoulder,

he knows how to win.

The coach knows

how to win, Jack.

Oh my God.

Bring it in! Bring it in!

Oh my God.

Everybody bring it in!

What the hell's going one?

Bring it!

Gather round!

Gather round!

Gather round!

The coach is rolling in.

Not all right.

Uh, parents, take a knee.

Take a knee.

Parents, take a knee.

Um, if you don't mind,

I'm not gonna take a knee,

because I've got pebbles

in there and it hurts.

I'll do it on the grass.

Not here, please.

Okay, okay. So listen.

We've got a challenge, all

right?

It's called a challenge.

I know that I told you

a few days ago...

no swimming!

He said no swimming

at all!

Well, the other night, I...

thought I'd take

a quick dip.

He dipped!

No! No! No!

No swimming!

- No swimming!

- I'm not proud of it.

Ah!

Coach is human.

That's what they learn

today.

They find out I'm human.

I'm not a god.

I'm not perfect

like they thought.

You know what I have to

say?! Poof! Poof!

The game goes poof.

Hey! Coach's lesson.

This is not

a coach's lesson.

I hope...

it was worth it, coach.

Because this is

the most important day

of these kids' lives.

It's a very important day

for all of us, coach!

And what are we gonna do

now, huh?

- Our kids don't win this game today,

- Turn me around.

they don't win the game

next week!

I'm not looking at you until

you look at me...

with admiration!

F*** you!

Don't you ever! Ow!

Don't watch! Don't look!

Don't look! Turn away!

Turn around, turn around.

The children mustn't see the

coach in a moment of weakness!

Turn around.

Everybody turn around.

[umpire]:

Play ball!

[distant crowd chatter]

Striiike!

That's it!

Way to go, Ricky!

That's it, Manny!

That a boy!

What's on going on out

there?! You all good?!

[chuckles]

Man!

Hello.

Oh, hi.

I'm good. How are you?

You enjoying your day

today?

Yeah, it's been fabulous.

Everyday is fabulous,

right?

It is.

Must be really nice

being sunshine.

Yeah.

- Right?

Ah! I should have

my dark shades on.

- Oh, yeah.

- [laughs]

You know? A lot of guys

would see a lady like you...

and go for a home run.

Oh...

You know what I

prefer to do?

- I like hits.

- Yeah?

Right?

Like getting on base.

First base. Second base.

Third base.

Mmm-hmm.

Load the bases up.

And then what happens?

[bat hitting ball]

- Oh!

I bring everybody home.

[cheers and applause]

You like that idea?

- I love it.

- Heart that?

They're cheering for me

right now!

What did I miss?

Oh! The coach broke

his leg!

- What?

- He showed up in a cast.

A full body cast

up to his hip!

'Cause he was swimming!

He went swimming.

- The coach broke his leg swimming?

- Yes!

You're kidding, right?

No.

No, we don't have a coach.

After all that?!

Oh my god!

That's hysterical!

No, it's not hysterical.

It's the furthest thing

from hysterical!

We don't have a coach!

- Okay. I won't, uh, enjoy it.

- Ah!

Eyes forward! Have you

guys seen Coach Ted?

[altogether]:

No!

No, we haven't seen him

anywhere.

We'd love to know

where he is.

Ambrose,

can you cover first?

- It's gonna cost you, coach.

- How much?

Only $100.

- 100 bucks?!

- Yep.

No!

[scoffs]

- No!

- I'll do it.

[exhales]

Woman cannot coach!

Who else? [stammering]

Who can cover first?

- Come on!

- I can, coach.

No, not gonna happen.

Who else?

I can coach,

but it has to be third base.

I've got to be the one that

flags the runners home.

Not gonna happen.

Max, will you help me?

No, no. I'm not

comfortable with doing it.

I'm not a woman!

I can coach!

No. No!

- Max, get out there!

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