Delta Farce

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Ten hut!

At ease.

I'm often asked, "What makes a hero?"

Courage, selflessness, sacrifice.

From Bunker Hill to the Alamo,

Gettysburg to Normandy,

Korea to Khe Sanh,

the American fighting man

has always answered the call of duty.

These are dangerous times, gentlemen.

Once more, America is in need

of its best and brightest.

One wonders if there are still heroes.

Somebody say "hero"?

Hi.

Two Deadwood meatball subs

with extra tumbleweeds.

Ah, don't worry about that hair,

I'm using a new conditioner.

Sugar britches!

- Larry, we need to talk.

- Talk?

What is that, some kind of code

for a lunchtime quickie?

- Diaper table, ladies room.

- No, Larry...

I'm pregnant.

Pregnant. That's great news!

I just got promoted!

Now we can move in together!

- I got an idea, come here!

- No, Larry!

- Just a second...

- Let me...

I gotta do this.

Hey, everybody? Folks,

my name's Larry, and I'm your server.

And this precious little lady right here

is my girlfriend, Karen.

Hi.

And I'm happy to say

she's having my baby.

Oh!

So, on this special occasion just for today,

the salad bar will be free for an hour

with all the fixings you can handle.

Hold on. Before you all get up there

to get your bacon bits and your chick peas,

there's one more thing I need to do.

No, Larry. Larry, please.

No, honey, I want to say this

in front of God and everybody.

Larry, please! Larry, I...

Karen,

I love you with all my heart,

and you would make me

the happiest man in the world if

you'd be my wife.

Oh!

I...

No, say it in here. I want the whole world

to share in this special moment.

It's not your baby.

I don't understand.

It means she's got a bun in her oven

that ain't your recipe.

Now, is the salad bar still free, though?

Why would you care?

Doesn't look like you've had a salad

in your whole life.

I'm not telling you again. Now, get in here!

- Die, paleface!

- You little bastards!

Hey! Hey, now! Hey, now! Hey!

Hey! Knock that sh*t off!

Those are my good golf clubs!

My little Rusty. He's a dickens, isn't he?

He's got a nice backswing.

- So, how's Connie?

- Oh, she's great.

Damn it, Bill!

You better control these kids of yours!

They tore up the backyard!

Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Turn the garden hose on them!

I'm busy out here.

I guess this is the kind

of marital bliss I'm missing out on.

Oh, marriage is a wonderful institution.

Of course, 50% of all marriages

end in divorce.

That is, if you're lucky enough

to get a divorce.

That becomes impossible when your wife's

got incriminating photos of you

simply having coffee with a young dancer

'cause she was a great listener.

Now, your life is just one series

of endless humiliations.

You lie awake and dream

of the sweet release

a murderlsuicide could bring.

But it's good, though. Really good.

Nice move by Orton!

Well, normally, I don't gotta pay for it,

but life is full of sad stories.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Victor.

What is this?

When I hired you as a security guard,

I didn't think you was going

to be living here.

This is a storage unit, not an apartment.

As a former law enforcement officer, it...

Law enforcement?

You were a cop for, what, only four days

before you drive your car

right through the beauty parlor?

- It was a nail salon.

- What the hell's the difference?

Just...

Clean this sh*t up!

Oh,

and keep your eyes open.

Some drunk has been exposing himself

to the waitresses

at the Denny's across the street.

The last time, the crazy bastard

was carrying a samurai sword.

There's a lot of deviants out there,

ain't they, Victor?

But don't you worry.

I'm gonna keep a eye out

when I'm on my next patrol.

I gotta get going.

I've got a big weekend planned.

Look, man, you're better off

without Karen or that crummy job.

Am I?

Larry, listen to me, it's always darkest

right before the dawn, all right?

Now, you remember when I had shingles?

Did I give up? Nope.

I put my nose to the grindstone.

All my hard work paid off.

Hard work?

Are you kidding me?

You tripped at the Wal-Mart!

And every day I thank God

for that spill on aisle 6.

Because of that settlement,

I don't gotta work for another 11 months.

All right, look. Here's Everett.

Now, come on. It's our Reserve weekend.

We're gonna have a great time.

We always do.

Thanks for showing up, Everett.

We've only been waiting an hour.

Anybody ever tell you that loitering

is a class D misdemeanor

punishable by a $50 fine

and 10 hours of community service?

Hey, what's the penalty

for vehicular homicide of a beauty parlor?

It was a nail salon.

Well, what a great way

to chase away the break-up blues,

spending the weekend with two retards.

Nice shooting! Man.

What's next?

That bathroom scale.

I'm gonna blow up every nice thing

I ever got that woman.

I got her that on Valentine's Day.

I'm a romantic.

Pull!

Everett!

What are y'all doing?

- Shooting sh*t.

- Grief counseling.

Copy that. Going on a beer run.

Nice!

- I know. I feel better already.

- Good.

Kind of hungry though.

What do you say we hit the mess hall?

Hooters?

Left! Left!

Left! Left!

Left, right, left.

Sir, we just received another

manpower request from Washington.

There's increased fighting

outside of Fallujah.

What?

Don't those Pentagon pencil-pushers know

we're stretched to the limit down here?

What about those men down

at Chattahoochee?

I don't think they all reported in.

They drill at the Reserve Center

down on Highway 8.

Perhaps you should send Sergeant Kilgore

down there to see what we have.

Kilgore?

He scares the sh*t out of me.

All I'm saying is some of them girls hadn't

ought to be wearing little shorty-shorts.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, what's Crystal supposed to do?

You know Hooters

don't got a maternity leave.

Hey. Who's the new guy?

How you doing, GI Joe? Can I help you?

Sergeant Kilgore.

I'm looking for the men

that didn't mobilize with this unit.

- I ain't seen them.

- I think they went over to...

Who's in charge here, soldier?

- I am.

- I am.

This is

quite a setup you got here.

Oh, yeah, it's nice.

We're like a water-head

at the theme park in here.

It's real comfortable.

We're about to watch the game.

You can join us if you want. Grab a chair.

I tell you what, son. You know, I like you.

Why don't I grab a chair,

and shove it up your ass!

Now, stand at attention,

you miserable pissants!

From now on,

you will address me as Sergeant Kilgore!

The honeymoon's over, numb nuts!

I am a warrior,

a killing machine,

and your mama's not

here to wet-nurse you.

Larry's mom passed away

about four years ago.

Yeah, that's true.

She went squirrel hunting

with my Uncle Lester...

Shut up!

I don't know what kind

of horseshit monkey business

has been going on down here,

but that's all about to end, ladies.

This is the Army.

We're just state military reserves.

Yeah. Smurfs.

And I'm a leprechaun.

Now, pack your gear.

But we're just weekend warriors.

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