Dog Eat Dog

You think that your five-foot-four

kindergarten teacher is gonna-

who is, uh, I don't know, 62,

is gonna pull out her ak-47?

Well, not every single person

has to be armed and use a gun,

but the more people

that have them

makes the world a safer place.

So that's a heck

of a long barrel.

Let me ask you somethin', okay?

Just in the world and life,

what do you need

a barrel that long for?

Great question.

How 'bout it's two o'clock

in the morning

and some methed-out lunatic is

trying to break into your house

to rape and murder your kids?

What do you do then?

You ever read

the second amendment?

What does it say, really?

In a well-regulated militia.

You in a militia?

Hey, Vladimir putin may

come here, take off his shirt,

and they have to do something.

Hey, Melissa, what's going on?

I thought we were

doing homework together.

I've got some serious issues

with this cupcake experiment...

This gun is more powerful.

What if he's 50 yards down the pike?

Hit you in the back?

Or a half a mile or a mile

with a para...

The reason why

police officers have guns...

Is he gonna come in the house

with this gun?

Is he gonna come in the house

with this gun?

F***! F***!

Hello?

Yes, may I speak to

John aloysius mccain

of 550 maple Avenue, please?

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm on disability

and i can't give you any money.

Oh, that's okay, sir.

We're not looking for any donations.

I just wanna

get to know you somewhat.

F or instance...

...what do you do for a living,

Mr. mccain?

I... I gut fish.

These cupcakes are killing me.

I am totally not able to get

the cupcake experiment on.

I work in a cannery and I got

a special knife to gut fish.

Well, that is interesting.

It's like bird

cupcake factory time.

Listen, can I call you back

in a minute?

No, sir, we can't do that.

I just am surprised is all.

Wait, what?

I just didn't know people still

had that job of guttin' fish anymore.

I didn't know they still had the

job of callin' people at dinner

and buggin' the sh*t out

of 'em, motherf***er!

I...

People at the job,

they go off the deep end.

And then what happens?

Whether they're ten years old

or 50 years old,

they reach for that-

take these.

- Oh, thanks for the help.

Oh, sh*t!

You scared me.

Why, am I scary?

I told you,

you cannot stay here.

Listen, my car's at the chevron,

the alternator's f***ed,

it's gonna take 'em

overnight to fix it.

I gotta crash here tonight.

No.

Oh, come on, Sheila.

I got nowhere else to go.

I just gotta sleep here,

and in the morning pick it up,

and that's it,

and then I'm outta here.

With my f***in' chevron card?

No, uh-uh, give it back.

Oh, come on, Sheila.

I'll make some

f***in' short ribs.

Come on, baby.

We'll have a nice night.

One last night.

It's not gonna kill ya.

Hey, love birds,

did my friend, Hannah, call here

asking about the homework

assignment with the cupcakes?

I have no idea.

She did, and you heard her,

didn't you?

And you just erased it.

I didn't hear nothin'

about no cupcakes!

Just go upstairs

and call Hannah, honey.

So obnoxious!

We'll have a nice night.

We're gonna eat them short ribs.

And then I'm gonna

eat your Booty, baby.

Don't be nasty.

Go get cleaned up, I'll cook dinner,

but this is it, okay?

Tonight is the end.

Okay, scout's honor.

Get the f*** in here!

Get the f*** in here!

Get the f*** in here now!

What the f***

do I use my computer for?

Huh?

I do three things.

Do my spreadsheets for church.

I do my taxes.

And I answer emails.

You know what I don't

use my computer for?

This.

Uh-huh, you're gettin'

the f*** out now!

I got nowhere to go.

That's not my problem.

I got a suitcase full of guns.

What am I gonna f***in' do?

Carjack some old guy like

some n*gger from the projects?

Not my problem!

Give me my chevron card back.

Give me my chevron

card back now!

I can't do that, Sheila.

Get the f*** out,

you f***in' loser!

Pervert!

You drug addict f***in' pervert!

I've got a daughter

in the house!

You're a f***in' loser!

Get the f*** out!

- Hey, Sheila.

You feel like you got problems?

Your problems

are over now, Sheila.

What? No!

No, please, get away! Stop!

No, no, no!

No, no, please, don't hurt me!

Stop, don't hurt me!

Don't hurt me!

Stop!

Okay,

as far as I'm concerned,

we are never going

to collaborate

on making a really cool, really

original cupcakes ever again.

There was me, Troy.

There was mad dog.

And there was diesel.

See, people pretty much can't

stand mad dog,

and I get it, I do.

But what you gotta

understand is,

I know this guy

in a very particular way.

Well?

I barely knew mad dog,

but he knew my parole was coming

up and he took this fall for me.

He just did it, like that.

And so, somebody like that?

You owe a lifetime.

Oh, mama.

No, seriously, the smoke.

And you know what?

It worked.

Felt like these huge arms,

felt like your mom

givin' you the biggest hug ever.

Oh, man, the way

i slept that night.

I got news for ya, dog.

Havin' somebody blow

smoke in your mouth is like...

Diesel is just a guy, you know.

I learned a lot from him.

I didn't go outta my way

to f*** with people,

which is more than

I can say for diesel.

Look, I'm just sayin',

this guy's a problem.

Been a long-time problem.

For a guy who comes out

with felony strikes,

a loan collection group

is not a bad job.

Not a great job,

but diesel dug it.

Help.

You have to understand,

diesel is a big lug nut looking dude,

but he's very bright.

In another universe,

this guy could've been

a lawyer from Stanford

or something.

Unfortunately,

we're not in that universe.

There's always something

they use.

Your parole officer,

your counseling.

Say cheese.

This a**hole cop I knew

planted 28 grams of coke on me.

An ounce, not a lot,

but it was packaged for sale,

which is the part

that fucks you.

Bail is denied.

Mom's had a double mastectomy

and was on her way out when...

That was that.

We all had our stints.

Once you were in, stayin' out

is all but impossible.

And so, with the drug

beef piled up

on top of the attempted

violent escape,

it was a five to 15 year hit.

We all did our piece

at different times,

and I was the last to come out,

so these chaps decided to throw

me a welcome home party.

You know what's funny in there?

What you know that's out here

and what you don't know,

like Facebook, come on.

We were f***in' Facebook friends

before there was a Facebook.

But the red f***ing jeans

that hug the element's leg,

I had no clue.

Get the f*** outta my business.

Should I take care

of this guy for you?

Where are you goin'?

I'm gonna kill

this f***er right now!

I'm gonna f***in' kill him!

Stop that!

We're in this together.

We go through that door

together, we come out together,

and anything other than that,

you're a piece of sh*t.

You just f***in' got out, man.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

It's all cool, brother.

Didn't mean anything.

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