Doing Time on 'The Longest Yard'

---

Hey, sexy.

I love that dress.

Of course you do, Lorenzo.

You made it.

- Hi, sweetie.

- Hey, guys.

- There you are.

- Lena.

- You've done it again.

- Well, it's all for you, Bradlee.

Gotta mingle.

Oh, the girls are by the pool.

Well, well, well, Lena. So where's

this sexy boy toy of yours hiding?

I didn't know you were

a football fan, Patrick.

I've never watched a game. I'm just

a big fan of his old underwear ads.

Well, he's probably just getting out of

the shower. Let me go hurry his ass up.

- Hi.

- Hey, babe.

Start of the fourth quarter, and Owens

will throw. He's got Brown wide open!

You have got to be kidding me.

Honey, just let me finish the game,

I'll take you to the movies.

Take me to the movies?

Hello!. There's a huge party

going on downstairs.

Remember the catering trucks

and the valet parkers?

Oh, sh*t, I forgot.

I'll tell you what

you should forget about.

Football.

Because it's forgotten all about you.

Now, you're going to put this outfit on

that I bought you,

drag your drunken ass downstairs

and mingle with my clients

like a good boy.

Who am l? Elton John?

I ain't wearing that sh*t.

- Yes, you are.

- I'm not your trained monkey, honey.

No. You're much more

expensive than that.

But I tell you what.

If you're not downstairs

in five minutes,

I'm gonna throw you out of my bed,

out of my house and out of my life.

Then you're gonna have to

pay for your own bananas.

I'm just so mad at you

because you're not wearing my gift.

Gift?

What gift?

It's like a l-love-you gift.

I left it in the closet for you.

Really?

Paul, I'm so excited.

I can't believe you did this.

- Where'd you put it?

- In the back, on the right.

Paul? Paul, what are you doing?

I think we need some

alone time, honey,

so I'm gonna go take a cruise

in your Bentley.

Don't you dare take my car,

you drunken bastard!

- I own you!

- I love you.

Somebody please open

this damn door! Patrick?

- Lena?

- Patrick.

What happened to you?

He locked me in the closet

and left me to die.

Oh, my God, he is deranged!

He thinks he can mess with me.

Oh, man.

Here come the party poopers.

Well, well, well. I'll be damned.

If it isn't Paul Crewe.

So, what did I do wrong?

Was I driving poorly?

Nope. Nope.

This car was reported stolen.

No, no, no.

It's actually my girlfriend's car.

Sh*t happens.

Sh*t does happen. I mean,

look what happened to your ears.

I gotta ask you something.

Does he get XM Radio with those?

Actually, they get

a couple of channels.

It's Paul Crewe.

Another question, though.

Santa Claus. What's he like?

Boy, I hate to arrest a public figure

like yourself,

but, hell, I don't think

you got too many

endorsement deals to worry about,

now, do you?

Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo.

Don't get short with me.

That was good. I mean, he's good.

Man. I hope you got a lot of money

for that game you threw,

because that was the most pathetic

thing I ever saw.

Now, step out of the vehicle,

Mr. Crewe.

Don't you think I should pull the car

over more? I could get sideswiped.

You're slurring your words a bit there,

Paul. You been drinking tonight?

Absolutely not. Now, could you do me a

favor? Hold this beer while I back it up.

Hey, you can finish that one.

I got five more. Take care, guys.

We got a 3-94 in progress.

Okay, remain calm.

How you doing? What's up?

What's up? What's up?

What you are watching is live footage

of a vehicle, apparently stolen,

being pursued by police.

We're receiving word now

that the driver of that vehicle

is former Pittsburgh football star

Paul Crewe.

Crewe, you might remember,

was the only man ever to be indicted

on federal racketeering charges

for shaving points

in a professional football game,

although it was never fully proven.

Yeah!

- Hello.

- Do not get one more scratch

on my car, or I will slit your throat.

See, that's our problem, sweetie.

You care about this car

more than you do us.

And how'd you even know

there was a scratch on this baby?

Because I am watching you on TV,

as is the whole country.

Once again,

you are proving to everyone

what a worthless piece of sh*t

you are.

Well, I hope they like this.

Hey, Lena!

I think we should start

seeing other people!

I think I'm in love.

Good news, boys,

I didn't spill my beer.

Without question, Crewe's five-year

federal probation for point-shaving

has been severely violated tonight.

The future of this once-great football

star looks very dark indeed.

Long way from the big city,

huh, superstar?

Staying with the times

around here, huh?

Ain't she beautiful?

Home sweet home, boy.

Get on your feet.

You're one lucky son of a b*tch,

Crewe.

- Is that right?

- That's right.

See, the warden loves his football.

Fact, he was on the winning side

of your little thing.

- Well, tell him congratulations.

- But I wasn't.

Welcome to Allenville.

Thank you, sergeant.

I'll take it from here.

- Afternoon, inmate Crewe.

- Yeah.

Come on. Warden wants to see you.

Let's do it.

Move it.

I used to play

a little college ball myself.

Down at the University of Miami.

I bet a lot of your old teammates

are locked up in here.

No inmates from my playing days.

Couple of guards, though.

See, we got us a fine

prison-guard league down here.

It's like a company softball team.

Now, the warden...

...he's gonna ask you to help out.

Okay. With what?

That wasn't nice.

When the warden asks you,

what are you gonna say?

Yes?

You're gonna tell him "no."

You got it?

You're gonna tell the warden

that you want nothing to do

with his football fantasies.

Not in my back yard.

Because the warden

don't run this prison. I do.

You understand?

Not entirely.

Okay. I feel you, dog. I feel you.

Paul "Wrecking" Crewe.

I don't get to say this

to my new guests very often,

but it's an honor to have you

here at this institution.

It's an honor to be

locked up here, sir.

Oh, well, this is Errol Dandridge.

Colonel Sanders

been eating his own chicken.

He's my political adviser.

See, I've been approached

by several very influential people

wondering if I'd be interested

in standing for governor.

They see the way I run this prison,

think maybe I should run this state.

Only with less sodomy, right?

Hopefully none.

Sorry.

Now, there are two things we take very

seriously here in the state of Texas.

Prison and football.

We play a little of the latter here.

The warden is too modest to admit

that his team is rather good.

But not good enough.

Five years since

our last championship.

Five years.

Now, I've worked real hard,

pulled strings,

called in quite a few favors

to get you here, Paul.

Now, why would you go and do that?

Because I am convinced that

you can get us back on track.

I haven't played football in I don't

know how long. I don't really want to.

You wouldn't be playing, Paul.

Just consulting.

Anyone who was once the MVP

of the National Football League

must have a great deal

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes