Doing Time on 'The Longest Yard' Page #3

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Won't we, Caretaker?

Hey, I'll teach you anything.

Just don't eat me.

Okay.

Down, Shrek. Down!

Okay, bring it in. Whoever's trying out

for the team, wake up.

Can you give a brother

a little hustle?

Very good.

For those of you who don't know

who I am, I'm Paul Crewe.

I'm gonna be your coach,

your captain, your quarterback.

You haven't played in years.

Why can't I be quarterback?

- Hit me, I'm open.

- Hike, hike! Hike!

That's why.

Now, sit down and shut up.

It slipped. I just ate popcorn.

Question:
Any of you gentlemen

ever play football before?

- You did? Where?

- Kansas State.

Are you shitting me?

For Coach Snyder?

Kansas State Prison.

Now, I hear they have

the softest mattresses out there.

Yeah, they do.

Not as soft as the ones

at West Texas Mental lnstitution.

- Really?

- Let's finish this conversation later.

For now, I wanna see

what you got out there.

We'll grade them

on a scale of one to ten.

Move it! Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Give these guys sixes.

Give these guys fives.

Good. Good.

Give them threes.

Very nice!

- Aren't we missing somebody?

- Where's the Kansas State guy?

You a**holes better not cut me!

I'm still on this team!

Negative two.

All right, go with negative two.

Hey! Somebody bring me

a Diet Coke!

- Let's do this!

- That's it!

Five.

Good. Seven.

Stupid tire! You're a fricking tire!

You think you're better than me?!

I'll kick your ass!

Three.

And a half?

Yeah. That's better.

Okay. Good.

Yeah. Hit that bag, man.

There you go, man.

Four.

- Five. I don't know.

- I go.

Come on, Switowski!

Daddy!

Oh, man!

- Look at that.

- He got it off the hinge.

- I think that's a ten.

- Let's go with a ten.

I'm sorry. I "brokeded" your toy.

No, that's a good thing. You should

have a victory hug with Caretaker.

What? What you

talking about, man? Hey!

A**hole!

Okay, fellas, it's pretty simple.

You do a buttonhook.

The rest of you guys block for me.

I'll take care of the rest.

Okay? On "go." On "go."

Ready? Break!

We'll work on that.

Okay, half speed on this one, guys.

Slow and easy.

Ready?!

Go!

Stop it!

Stop the violence!

Can't we all get along?

- Hey, Paul.

- Unger.

- Team's looking great.

- Oh, yeah.

- So are you.

- Yep. Working on it.

The blood of the guards is gonna flow

like the rivers of ancient Babylon.

That's good news.

Unger, you're the man.

Good job today. You're all starting

to look really sharp out there. Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

- We're gonna suck.

- Yeah. No doubt about it.

You look like

you could use a little help.

No offense, my man,

but you're a little seasoned.

Seasoned?

I'm not asking to play. I'll coach.

I'm Nate Scarborough.

Nate Scarborough?

The Heisman Trophy winner

from Oklahoma?

The inmate from cellblock D.

But about a hundred years ago,

when I could run and gun,

yeah, I was a Sooner then.

I heard you were dead.

No, I ain't dead.

I've been right here, rotting.

Waiting for a chance to get back

at those sadistic guards.

Waiting. For this.

Well, coach, as you can see,

we don't exactly have the cream

of the crop to work with here.

Well, what are we gonna do?

How are we gonna find players?

How'd they get you

to go to Florida State?

They recruited me.

I'll get the strippers.

Well, now, Lindsay, this isn't

about credit or congratulations.

This is about giving men

who've made mistakes in their lives

an opportunity

to rise above themselves.

To move beyond

the bars of containment.

Say what?

What I would do to you.

Yeah. Nice boot, skin man.

Hey, why does he get to be

the kicker? I was All-State, man.

Let's see what you got.

That's why, you dumb-ass.

Just go do some laps.

I heard you boys needed to see me.

Yeah. I want you to meet Skitchy.

Hey, dog.

Check that building over there.

They keep all the records

in the basement.

He's been here so long,

he knows where everything is.

That ain't necessarily

a good thing, is it?

I had a parole date in '86.

But I got in a tussle with a guard and...

One punch and it went away.

Twenty extra years for one punch?

Well, unfortunately for him,

the guard he punched

just happens to be the warden now.

Oh, sh*t. Warden Hazen?

"Oh, sh*t" is right.

Fight in the yard. Send backup.

Right on time.

- Let's do it.

- Let's do it.

Ain't you guys glad you got

a black man for a friend?

- Hell, yeah.

- Come on.

Hazen has a rating system

for every con.

What's three stars?

The more prone to violence that the

inmate is, the more stars he gets.

Five stars is the max.

I didn't know that. Let's see how many

stars my maniacal ass got.

Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake.

Check it again. Check it again.

You're about as maniacal

as a boxful of kittens.

Come on, that's not funny, man.

I'm gonna have to stab somebody

or something. Get my rep up.

Why don't we have a maniacal pillow

fight tonight. That could get it up some.

Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view.

Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.

Why don't you shut up before I slit your

throat and watch the dust come out.

Come on, guys,

we only got a couple minutes.

How about this guy?

Damn, this fool got the chair

three times, ain't died yet.

Well, we may not have

the most talented team,

but we will definitely

have the meanest.

- What's he doing that for?

- Because he's a freak.

Hey, Sasquatch!

Someone's here to see you!

Not too smart on your part.

Hey.

How's the headbanging coming?

You're bleeding. Just so you know.

People have told me that

you and I look a lot alike,

so I wanted to see for myself.

I'm gonna take a piss.

You scared him away, dumbshit.

You're kidding. Five-star Torres

likes The View?

No, just Joy Behar.

The good news is she can

breast-feed standing up. That's it.

Where does she come up

with this sh*t?

I'm a Star Jones man myself.

I love that big b*tch.

That was, like, the furthest thing.

I got married so young, so, I mean,

they weren't pressuring me,

the society was pressuring me...

Mr. T orres.

Us convicts are starting up

a football team.

Not interested.

We're playing the guards.

Walk away.

Good idea.

You're putting the pressure

on her right now.

Show's over, amigo.

I still got 15 minutes of Joy Behar.

Well, I'm cutting you short.

Back to your cell, asswipe.

Hey, white boy.

Cherryhead gonna play?

Yes, he is.

Crewe, don't forget,

I'm gonna be open.

Green 40! Hut!

Damn!

Brucie. Brucie. You all right?

You breathing?

I got a bird. His name is Ronnie.

Well, tell Ronnie you got

knocked the f*** out.

Wow, no bullshit. Real football?

Against the guards?

Full contact.

Captain Knauer is their quarterback?

- Yep.

- So I get to tackle him?

Yeah. You can either tackle him or hit

him over the head with that hammer.

I wanna hurt him. Not kill him.

Let's get out of here

before that thing bites somebody.

All right. We'll see you

and your pet iguana at practice.

Down, set!

Hut! Hut!

Hey!

- Hit me.

- Get rid of it.

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