Doing Time on 'The Longest Yard' Page #4

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Get rid of it!

He didn't get rid of it.

Sacked your ass.

Somebody's gotta get open, guys.

You got hammered by the hammer.

I think I felt it on my leg.

We gotta get some speed, man.

What'd you expect?

You got no brothers out there.

What are you talking about?

We got Switowski.

Switowski? That's one brother.

That's a lonely nigga.

This ain't hockey.

You want some speed,

you know where to go.

Hey, yo, check out

this fake Slim Shady, man.

I knew you couldn't resist my sh*t.

I got the shakes

that'll make you quake.

I got the fries that'll cross your eyes.

I got the burgers that'll--

I just got burgers.

I'm all right. Thank you.

Just wanted to talk to you fellas about

possibly joining the football team.

The only game we'd play with you is

Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy

Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back B*tch.

Baby-back b*tch, baby-back b*tch

Baby-back b*tch

- That's a big-ass robot.

- Yeah.

You gonna help me out here?

Thank you, Half-a-Star.

Just so you know,

we are playing the guards.

That ain't a team.

That's just a bunch of dumb rednecks

giving themselves excuses

to grab each other.

This guy must be

quite the athlete, huh?

You risk bringing your ass in the jungle

because you know I am.

Yeah, so you'd beat me

in a game of one-on-one, right?

- What?

- I think it's time for you to get stepping.

How's this, though? One game.

I beat you, you guys play for the team.

You beat me, I'll leave you alone.

Take that. Take that, Deac.

This fool ain't nothing

but a thing, baby.

- Ball, dog.

- Ball up!

Can Crewe play ball?

He's a natural athlete.

So is Greg Louganis, but I bet you

he'd get his ass whupped out here.

- Game's 1 1. Call your own fouls.

- Okay.

- Come on, come on.

- Give it to him, Deac!

Did I get you?

No, that was clean.

He'll be all right. Call his mama.

- If I foul you, tell me, dog.

- Okay, baby.

Take this f-- Take this foul.

What happened there?

I think it's my ball, right?

All right.

Get up! Get up, Deac!

Come on, Paul!

- Calm down.

- What?

Now, don't stir up

the brothers, now. Come on.

Come on, Deacon!

Did I get you, dog?

Hell, no, baby. That was clean.

Good D.

I thought he didn't wanna get hurt.

It ain't about getting hurt.

It's about pride.

I bet you he's pretty proud right now.

It ain't easy being cheesy!

Did I get you? Did I get you?

- No, I think I'm okay, baby.

- I didn't get you, did l?

That's traveling, b*tch.

You keep coming, huh?

Game point, baby.

How you want the game put up?

Foul.

That was a bullshit call!

My court, my ball.

All right, y'all. Let Deac speak!

Nice spanking that ass, dog.

- Now, get stepping.

- Hold up.

Y'all got a running back?

Not any good ones.

No disrespect, Deac...

...but any man that can take

that kind of beating out here,

I can't wait to see what he can do

in a contact sport.

Sh*t, I'm in.

Man, give me that cheeseburger.

You acting like a real McAsshole.

Cheeseburger, he wants to run

with the white boys, we will let him.

Let's do this.

Earl Megget.

Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate

bar, but we got a Hershey's Kiss.

I'll take it.

Let's get this over with, rookie,

I'm starving.

Fresh meat, boys! Fresh meat!

Down, set!

Battle, you're a psycho!

Tony, you're a fat sh*t! Hut!

Holy sh*t!

Get him!

Ran right out of your shoes, huh?

Hey, manager, don't you think

we can get our new star running back

a decent pair of cleats?

Yeah. I think I got a cousin

that drives a truck for Reebok.

It's cool, man.

I never had shoes growing up noway.

- I'll be all right for now.

- Oh, okay.

Get your country ass

back in the huddle.

That boy got some slave feet,

you see that?

Defense! Huddle up over there!

Paul. Paul.

Hey, ladies. How's it hanging?

- Tell him.

- I'm gonna say something to him.

I just wanted to let you know

I am your biggest fan.

And I will be cheering my jailhouse

boobies off for you at game day.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

Paul.

I appreciate you.

Okay, thanks. I'm glad to know that.

Okay, are you done now?

What's wrong with you? Jealous

because I don't cheer for you anymore?

I don't know what

you're talking about, freak show.

Whatever, back freckles.

Oh, yeah, back freckles.

She's making up sh*t now.

I'm gonna get some water.

That feature interview

worked better than I thought.

I just got off the phone with ESPN2.

They want to televise

the football game.

Guards, cons, Paul Crewe,

it's compelling stuff.

Lots of human interest.

Don't do that in here.

Television.

Dandridge, do you think

that might help my visibility

with the registered voters

of this fine state?

Oh, yes.

The freak is back!

Hey, hey. It's me again.

You know, if I take this half down,

we could play together.

I'm just gonna take this half down.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I got another ball.

It's okay.

You wanna serve?

I'll serve.

Really good news.

We started a football team.

You like football?

It's kind of like Ping-Pong.

Only the ball's a little bigger

and egg-shaped, like my head.

Just a joke. Stay calm.

Give you a good chance

to throw people on the ground,

hurt them like you used to when you

were a kid, 10 feet 6 inches ago.

We'd be playing the guards.

I think Papajohn's their safety.

Turley, nobody gets to me.

We'll play more Ping-Pong later, okay?

Hut!

Effective.

- All right.

- He brokeded my nose.

I don't wanna play no more.

Hey, hey, hey. Switowski,

what are you talking about?

This is football. Sh*t happens.

Paul, he brokeded my nose.

Okay. Stop crying.

All right. We can fix this.

Here we go.

Okay. Good, good.

How's it look?

How's it look? It looks-- It looks like--

It looks better than before.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's straighter.

More distinguished.

Kind of like a young Michael Jackson.

I love little Michael.

That's great. That's great.

I think he did it on purpose.

No, he didn't.

Okay, maybe he did.

You gotta apologize to him.

Come on, Turley.

Say you're sorry.

Come on. Say it.

He said he's sorry.

I got him to say he's sorry.

Yeah, yeah. We're all impressed.

Looking good, gentlemen.

Way to work hard.

Good practice, Paul!

Me and the girls wanna show you

- what we've been practicing.

- Okay, hit me.

- what we've been practicing.

- Okay, hit me.

Come on, let's go. One, two, three.

Give me a...

D, D, give me a I

I, I, give me a C

C, give me a--

All right, all right! I got it.

Just save it for the game.

Don't act like you ain't

want to see more, Brucie!

- Yeah, you wish, pal.

- No, you wish I'd kiss you again,

because your breath

smell like eight cans of shark sh*t.

I wouldn't touch her

with a 10-foot pole.

- What's he talking about?

- He's a freak.

Run, Forrest, run!

That's how a white man plays guitar.

Captain, he said he had some info.

You guys have "Halo 2."

I didn't even think that was out yet.

Focus. Turn the music off!

Yeah, captain.

You know them convicts?

They're starting to get

some serious players.

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