Doing Time on 'The Longest Yard' Page #5

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But their biggest threat?

A running back. Megget.

- He's good?

- He's fast.

He's really, really fast.

I mean, he's so fast,

he makes fast people look not fast.

I got it, he's fast.

Now, why don't you show us your speed

and get your pyro ass out of here.

Yes, sir. Here I go. I'm sorry.

Any books

you'd recommend, inmate?

No, sir.

Not much of a reader.

Oh, come on, now, maggot.

I've seen you in here reading before.

You requested this detail.

Isn't that right?

No. It's the quiet time I like, sir.

Maybe you'd like to read this.

What the hell kind of bullshit

book is that?

It's historical. Sir.

Now, why would he want to read

a book about a four-eyed n*gger?

Does the N word

offend you, n*gger?

No, sir.

Sorry about that.

You mind fetching

these books for me, boy?

No, sir.

Just pick them up.

Put them on the table.

There you go.

You forgot one.

Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?

Hit you, sir? No.

Y'all my friends.

Pick these up.

Go!

Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!

Come on! We got one week

before we play that game.

We can't complete a pass yet.

- Megget can't run the ball every play.

- I know, coach.

What the hell is he smiling at?

This better be on the up and up.

I guarantee it.

Let's do this sh*t.

There goes the neighborhood.

Now I'll never get to play.

Did you see that? Did you see that?

The Deac is here!

Nice.

Okay, we seal off here, seal off here.

- Cheeseburger.

- Yeah.

You're just gonna chip this guy...

That stings.

It's nothing a Quarter Pounder

can't fix.

With cheese on it?

Hut!

Man, that boy would catch a cold

in the desert. Here you go.

- Everything's looking up.

- Yeah.

Still got one more

pain in the ass to deal with.

All right, what do you say?

How about a little best ball?

No, I hate that bullshit.

Everyone play their own damn ball.

Holy sh*t, is that Paul Crewe?

How do you like that, boys?

The MVP coming to kiss my ass.

So, what's on your mind, Paul?

Got a problem with inmate Unger.

- Is he on your little squad?

- I believe he's on your little squad.

Mr. Crewe, would you mind

if we had a picture? Please?

That's up to the warden.

- Damn it. All right.

- Rewound it. Did everything.

- The flash is ready.

- You don't need a flash. It's daylight.

Oh, my bad.

I just want a good picture.

You know, I think you had sex

with my wife before I married her.

- Sorry about that.

- Oh, hell, no.

If she's hot enough to have

a one-nighter with a pro football player,

I must be doing all right.

Okay, here we go.

- Sergeant Engleheart?

- Yes, warden.

Would you step out

of the picture, please?

Yes, sir.

- His wife has got the hottest ass.

- Great.

Just cut to the chase, shall we?

You don't actually think you have

a chance of winning, now, do you?

We're gonna get

our asses handed to us.

I know it. You know it.

I just don't want my players to know it.

Your players?

Just when I thought

I had you all figured out.

- What does that mean?

- In the time you've been here,

you haven't made or received

one telephone call.

You haven't opened so much

as a single shred of mail.

What do you give a damn

about those slimeballs?

You never cared about anybody

in your entire life.

Well, maybe I finally found

that sense of family

I been yearning for since I'm a baby.

And gosh almighty,

my new family and l

would sure appreciate it

if you got Unger off the field.

You hear?

Sergeant Engleheart.

Thank you.

Oh, and as for your request...

...you'll have my answer

soon enough.

Did it rain last night?

Not a drop.

Son of a b*tch.

All right, boys.

The warden is trying

to break our spirit.

He thinks we're gonna

skip practice today,

wait for the field to dry,

make it up tomorrow.

You know what? Who gives a sh*t?

Three days till game time.

We can handle it.

But let me say this:

That old man flooding this field

tells me something.

The guy is scared.

Scared of you sick,

degenerate convicts.

And you know what?

He should be.

Because I got news for you guys.

We're gonna win this thing.

Did he say "win"?

What's it gonna be, boys?

Do we go back to our cells,

call it a day?

Or do we get ourselves ready

for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta

in the history of football?

I'll leave it up to you guys.

Hey. You're part

of the goddamn team.

Get your point-shaving ass in there.

You got it.

I guess that a**hole Hazen

wants to play dirty.

- We all convicts, right?

- Right.

Maybe it's time

we started acting like it.

Right here. Right here.

Take it, Deac.

Let's see which guards

have some broken bones.

Yeah!

Shoes, nigga!

Check this out. These be brass

knuckles. They damn near old as me.

Hut!

That's perfect, Cheeseburger!

Never been better.

Good ball. Good ball.

Okay.

- Who we gonna crush?

- The guards!

- Who we gonna kill?

- The guards!

- Who we gonna kiss?

- The guards!

Gotcha.

Lights out!

Good night, ladies.

- Yo, Crewe!

- Yes, Mr. Caretaker.

Check your toilet. There should be

a little surprise in there for you.

You took a sh*t in my toilet?

No, that's the surprise

I left in Brucie's toilet.

- You got something else.

- All right.

Well, would you look at this.

A bottle of Ketel One

and two glasses?

Now, what would I need two for?

Just shut up

and pour me a drink, b*tch.

- Man, who taught you to be so cool?

- My mama.

Now, when I get out of here, I don't

want you to get all Hollywood on us.

I want you to meet her.

Here, look at my girl.

She's your biggest fan.

Your mom's beautiful.

And you, you are ugly.

Thank you. Got it.

Here's to...

...the first friend I've had

in I don't know how long.

Hey, I thought

I was your friend, Paul.

You are, Switowski. Just finish your

coloring book and go back to sleep.

Okay.

And here's to having one of these

with you on the outside,

sometime in the next

three to five years.

- Yo, Crewe.

- Yes, sir.

You being a ex-football player

and all,

I'm sure you got a lot

of hot ass on the outside.

Well, let's not forget I wasn't

the most popular guy out there.

Don't give me that sh*t.

O.J. chopped his wife's head off

and still got some ass.

Yeah.

My mama taught me not to kiss

and tell. Now, go to sleep.

All right. I got one more question

to ask you.

Okay. What is it?

Why'd you shave those points?

Didn't you read the papers?

I'm innocent.

Yeah. Ain't we all?

Yo, Crewe, what would you say

if I could get you film

from the guards' games last year?

I would say that's incredible,

but how?

Thanks, gentlemen.

The warden will be done with him

in 15 minutes.

- We can handle him.

- Yes, ma'am.

Then you're gonna, ma'am.

Nice job.

I can't tell you how much this means

to me. Thank you, Lynette.

Now Nate can study

all the guards' formations.

Not so fast, sugar bear.

You gotta earn them.

We only got 1 5 minutes,

but, sunshine, we're gonna

make them all count.

One more, please?

Let's go.

- Quiet down. Guys.

- Let's go.

Before we watch the guards'

game film from last season,

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