Doing Time on 'The Longest Yard' Page #6

---

we have a special presentation

from our very own Mr. Paul Crewe.

What are you talking about?

What's going on?

Now I gotta relive this sh*t?

Yeah!

You can say this,

my man's a team player!

You know what they say. Once

you go gray, there ain't no other way!

Hey, hey, hey. Brucie! Brucie!

I'm glad you think that's funny,

because I got something pretty funny

to show you guys.

Tony, hit it. You're gonna like this.

- What the hell is this?

- What? It's good. It keeps going.

- Hi.

- Here I am.

Turn this sh*t off. Turn it off.

No!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny.

Trick photography.

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened.

I was showing a little wrestling move.

That's all.

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

It's time we took a look

at what we came here to see

before the guards come back.

The first film is the guards' offense

against Texas Southern.

Now, as you can see,

they're running a standard wishbone.

So you're telling me that these animals

are watching our game films.

- Is that right?

- Yes, sir, boss.

They got all last season.

Seems to me that we ought to

do something about this.

What do you want me to do?

You're the criminal. Be creative.

But on game day, if I so much as--

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I've had hot flashes all shift,

and now my nipples are killing me.

Why are we talking about

your nipples?

We're not. Just go do

what you're doing there.

Guys.

I want Crewe finished.

Yes, sir. You give me the inspiration,

sir. I got something for him.

Hut!

Everybody!

Huddle up!

Every day we've been taking sh*t,

for a long time.

Tomorrow, payback.

Now, think about that for a second.

- What time is it?

- Game time!

- What time is it?

- Game time!

- What time is it?

- Game time!

Tomorrow, 1 2:
00, the bus leaves.

Don't be late!

Where the hell is Caretaker?

I don't know.

A gift for you, Mr. Crewe.

How does he listen

to that cracker sh*t?

We're here deep in the heart

of toothless country,

coming to you from a simple

Texas high school stadium

that's been retrofitted

for the big event.

Now, when my man T ravis

tried to drag me out here, I said,

"What are you, brain-dead from

talking to too many Raider fans?

It's not going to work."

But the fact of the matter is,

this could shape up as an epic day.

Hot-dog vendors, high-powered rifles,

I love the combination.

And apparently so do the fans.

Hey, shitheads! Listen up!

Everybody on their feet

for the warden.

Anthony, wow. You can sit down.

Thank God.

Gentlemen, Texas marshals

have been kind enough

to supply us with a dozen

of their finest sharpshooters.

So for those of you thinking

of mingling with the civilians

or trying to make a break for it,

you will be shot.

In the head.

Now, let's all go out there

and have some fun!

Crewe! I'll see you on the field!

I think he's in love with you.

All right, listen up.

I know it's hard to get psyched for

the game without Caretaker being here.

But somehow that sick,

skinny bastard

found a way to get us all fired up

from beyond the grave.

Caretaker's last gift to us.

Battle, I presume this is yours.

I still don't think that's big enough.

- That's it?

- No, that ain't it.

Caretaker said he'd find us

some gear to wear.

I think he found us a name too.

Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Good afternoon and welcome to a

very special edition of ESPN football.

As today, the semipro

Allenville Federal Prison guards

will be taking on the very prisoners

they guard.

And with this special game, folks,

comes a special broadcast,

as I'm joined in the booth

by Baby Face Bob.

Say hi to the folks, Bob-O.

Chris, we went to a commercial.

This job, Bob,

it's a lot of give and take.

So when I bring you in,

don't be afraid to talk to the folks.

Unless you don't want to.

And here come the cons,

Ied by former NFL MVP quarterback

Paul Crewe.

Holy sh*t. Hey, hey, hey.

Well, hello. How are you?

Back away from the girls!

- Hey, now.

- Call me!

What the hell

are you dressed up for?

Hey, I didn't spend 14 years

in the joint just to watch this game.

And there in the

high-security bleachers

are the good-behavior cons,

along with their...

...cheerleaders?

We're the mean machine

Don't mean to dis you

We're gonna kick your ass

And then we'll kiss you

Hey! Ho!

What?

I didn't do it!

Come on, Batt!

- What's that?

- Did you see that?

Damn it!

Papajohn's at the 20, the 10.

And he will score.

Sweet dreams, b*tch.

That's a 90-yard return.

And I gotta tell you, the cons seem

more interested in hitting the guards

than tackling the ball carrier.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Thanks for picking me up from school.

And here comes the big story

of the day.

Paul Crewe,

serving a three-year sentence,

hasn't played since he was banned

from the NFL six years ago.

Center, shift it! Shift it!

Hey, Sasquatch!

Twenty, hut!

Crewe drops back to pass.

Turley's leaving him unprotected.

Fumble!

Holy sh*t!

Goddamn it.

That's gonna be a personal foul

on the big guy.

And this is certainly an inauspicious

start for the cons.

Come here! All right! You got him.

Now, protect me!

Let's go! Hold them!

And here comes Knauer and that

big offensive unit for the guards.

Eighty-six.

Back to your cell.

Hut! Hut!

Knauer has Potter wide open.

Touchdown, guards.

- Son of a b*tch!

- And in the first 90 seconds,

the guards are up

by two touchdowns.

This one looks like

it could be over early.

Sorry.

What are we celebrating for?!

It's 1 4-nothing!

You guys wanna beat these a**holes,

do it on the scoreboard!

Are you okay? Oh, God,

you're not hurt, are you?

Jesus, you sound like my mother.

Listen, if you wanna cry,

you go ahead and cry. I'll cry with you.

Get off me! Get back out there

and kick some ass!

Why are you yelling at me?

All I did was care!

Look! A broken leg will heal.

A loss to the Mean Machine

lasts forever.

Sorry, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Me too.

All right. Now, let's get started!

Now, get the hell out there! Let's go!

Way to go! Way to go!

There's the first sign of life

from the cons.

Let's see if Paul "Motley" Crewe

can make something happen.

Hut!

On first down, Crewe will throw.

He's got Deacon wide open.

That's gotta be pass interference.

But the ref is waving it off.

- What?!

- Oh, come on!

Come on, now. I'm in this hellhole

for less than that.

- Be a man and make a call.

- You're right.

Unsportsmanlike conduct!

Eighty-eight black!

What?!

Come on!

This is baby-back bullshit!

- Bullshit, D.

- Calm down. Let it go.

Let's call that one

a questionable call.

Blue 42, hut!

The give is to Megget. He spins

to the outside. Megget has room.

He's at the 35. The 40.

He's brought down hard,

by his facemask.

What? Oh, come on, man!

That was a facemask!

- You're not gonna call that?

- I saw a clean tackle, sir.

What you looking at?

Are you serious?

Tell it to the parole board, criminal.

I mean, this is absurd.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes