Doing Time on 'The Longest Yard' Page #7

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We can't win with the refs

on the payroll!

Listen up. I got an idea

to end all this bullshit.

Come on, let's all stay up! Come on!

Down, set!

Red 58.

Cover your man!

Red 58. Hut!

That one hurt my marble sack.

All right!

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- What down is it?

- Fifth.

- No, no. It would be fourth down.

- Okay.

What do you think?

Should I go for the left nut this time?

Underneath! Let's go!

Ref, you gotta get in the game!

Right over here!

Well, I don't quite get this, but on fourth

and 22, the cons are gonna go for it.

Down, set!

Red 58.

Red 58. Hut!

You gotta always protect

the McNuggets.

How about from now on, you call

a fair game? How's that sound?

Sounds good.

Okay. Wet Willie.

Yeah, you like that.

And so the guards will take over

after one of the strangest

offensive series I've ever seen.

Okay, boys. We know who doesn't

have any balls out there now.

Have we got any?

Have we got some balls?

- Yeah!

- All right! Let's go kick some ass!

Come on, Swit, stand them up, baby.

White 50. White 50. Hut, hut, hut!

Knauer, play action.

Here comes the blitz.

Switowski is so big, it's like being

tackled by a Coke machine with legs.

This is fun!

Nice to see you smiling, Bob.

Thanks, Chris.

Green 90! Hut!

Third and 5,

and the give is to Megget.

He's to the 40,

where he'll come up short.

But look at Turley push the pile.

And now Crewe.

And that's a first down!

And look out. Boy, somebody better

take control of this game soon,

or they're gonna need body bags

on the sidelines.

Let's go, guys.

Start of the second quarter.

Cons still down by two touchdowns,

but they finally have some momentum.

Hut!

Crewe with a shovel pass to Megget.

And Megget scrambles

for a first down.

Oh, you fooled me.

- I got you there, didn't l?

- You did.

You know, Engleheart, you are

the best-looking guy on your team.

You know, Paul, in the midst of all this,

for you to say something like that is...

Come on, let's go. Let's go, D.

First and 10 at the guards' 35.

Crewe dumps it over the middle

to Deacon Moss.

And he's hammered at the 17 for a

- Hut!

- Crewe, trying to get his team

on the scoreboard.

He will throw.

And it's caught by Deacon Moss

for a touchdown!

All right!

And so there'll be no shutout today,

as the cons are on the board.

Quit booing, people.

Both teams are trying very hard!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Stop acting like a damn cheerleader!

- Sportsmanship, try it.

- Shut up.

Damn.

And Dunham is back in at fullback.

And he is a load, at 6'2", 260.

Dunham, breaking tackles.

He refuses to go down.

But he finally does

after a 1 5-yard gain.

That's how a white man

runs a football.

If I was on D, I'd crack you square

in that egg-ass head of yours.

Yeah, but you ain't on D.

Are you, b*tch?

Switowski! Come here.

Do you know what

he said to me in the library?

Yes. Him. Out.

D, D, defense

D, D, defense

The cons don't seem to have

an answer for Dunham,

who's averaging close to 12 yards

a carry this half.

Green 67.

Green 67. Hut!

Oh, what a hit on Dunham

by Switowski.

I think I made him sh*t himself.

- Sh*t!

- I think he just sh*t himself.

I think he just sh*t himself.

Good Lord.

This guy sh*t himself bigtime.

See? I told you

I made him sh*t himself!

Yo! I'll make sure I send

them books to the hospital, pimp.

And some diapers.

Nineteen seconds.

We got a lot of ground to cover.

So you bastards remember

that play we practiced in the mud?

What are you talking about?

That was some schoolyard bullshit.

Yeah. Let's try some

schoolyard bullshit.

Come on, D, let's go.

Down, set! Green 88.

Green 88. Hut!

The clock starts to run. Crewe hands

the ball to Megget. It's a reverse.

Cheeseburger Eddy's got it.

Go, baby, go!

He laterals to Deacon.

T ackle him!

To Turley.

The clock is running. To Brucie.

Shades of Cal-Stanford.

Back to Crewe.

He tosses to Megget.

T ackle him!

And look at that little Megget run.

Three seconds left.

Yeah! Go!

He could go all the way. Touchdown!

Did you see that?!

Do that sound again.

I like that.

And so, on a miraculous play,

the cons end the first half

with the score:
14-all.

Bring it in.

Do you have any idea

who's beating you out there?

This was supposed to be a blowout,

and they're showing you up

in front of the whole nation.

The whole nation!

I like it when he's angry.

- I told you!

- Way to go, baby, way to go.

What in the hell do you think

you're doing out there?

Playing football, sir.

I didn't say nothing about winning.

We're not winning. Not yet.

You got yourself in quite

a predicament, Mr. Crewe.

- Is that right?

- See, it's just come to my attention

that inmate Unger

has been taken into custody

for the murder of Caretaker.

- Good.

- Oh, yeah, it's good.

Only thing is, he claims

to have an accomplice.

Claims you knew all about it.

Hell, he even says

you sent Caretaker to your cell.

Bullshit.

Captain Knauer says

he saw you planning it with Unger.

There's no way

that could hold up in court.

Court?

Hell, boy, in Allenville,

I'm the judge, I'm the jury,

and in your particular case,

I'm the executioner.

What do you want?

I want you to lose.

I can't do that.

Of course you can. After all,

you've had plenty of practice.

But the men. It's more important

to them than it is to you.

Okay. Suit yourself.

Spend the next 25 years

of your useless life in prison.

All right, I'll do it.

But I don't want my guys hurt.

You get ahead, you coast. We clear?

Fine. Right after I get

a two-touchdown lead.

I tell you what bothers me

the most, warden.

That you're not gonna be

out there on that field with us,

getting what you got coming to you.

The only thing coming to me

is victory.

Mean Machine.

It's cute.

- Let's go, boy!

- We can do it, baby!

Captain.

May I have a word?

Don't worry, warden,

we'll take care of business.

I already have.

What? We can win this on our own.

Captain, a man in my position

doesn't leave things to chance.

Now, after you get a comfortable

three-touchdown lead,

I want you to inflict as much pain

as humanly possible.

Do not let up, you hear?

I want those cons to understand

who owns them.

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, yes, sir.

Good.

There's the kickoff, and we're

under way in the second half.

Megget is finally brought down

at the guards' 33,

where Paul Crewe will take over.

And what a first half he's had.

Here we go! Here we go!

Down, set!

Y 45. Hut!

On first and 10, Crewe will pass.

- He's got Deacon wide open.

- Come on.

Oh, incomplete.

It's okay. Get your head up.

It's all right, man.

Come on, Paulie.

Second and 10 from the 33. Crewe's

looking for Deacon once again.

- He's open!

- He's open!

But overthrows it.

And it's picked off by Papajohn.

Look out! He might go.

Say goodbye.

Touchdown!

The first mistake

Crewe's made all day.

Short memory, baby.

We'll get it back. We'll get it back.

Defense, let's do this!

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