Don's Party Page #5

for a long time...

It's begun to run out of ideas...

It's begun to get panicky.

The opposition's beginning to look

for the first time

like a really good alternative government.

How much has it cost the Labor Party

to fight this election in New South Wales alone?

About $200,000.

Are YOU particularly interested

in this election?

- Not enough.

- Me neither.

- Good.

Look, it doesn't make much difference

who gets in, does it?

Look, I'll still be able to take home

my 20,000 a year, clear...

That's not bad,

for extracting the odd molar!

Are you a socialist?

Yes... yes, aren't YOU?

Well, yes... in a way...

Well, I suppose all of us

are socialists, in a way.

Well I think it's the profit-motive

that keeps the old economy ticking...

I think we'd better stop discussing politics.

Otherwise I might end up

planting you one on the jaw!

Have a beer!

I think I'll let the fire die down a bit

before we put the meat on.

I built it up a bit too much.

You better hold the pizzas off for while,

until I get the meat cooked, eh?

S-T-A-T-U-S!

S-T-A-T-U-S!

Alright, you've convinced everyone you can spell...

Now piss off!

It's got nothing to do with it!

Like hell, it hasn't!

Are you usually as rude to people

as you're being at the moment?

What do you expect?

On trumpeting a property conservatism...

As if God should kiss your arse for it!

I didn't TRUMPET it!

At least SIMON...

Simon had the grace to lie

that he was neutral!

I wasn't lying!

Alright, OK, I'll take that back...

You weren't lying.

- I mean it! I wasn't lying!

- Alright! Alright!

When someone calls me a liar,

I believe I'm entitled to object!

- You are perfectly entitled to object!

- Right!

Now, shut up!... I'm having an argument

with your wife... alright?

Pea-brain!

I'm sorry, Don, but when the level of argument

degenerates into personal abuse...

It's time to leave!

"Personal abuse"?

What do you mean "personal abuse"?

What do you think

calling me a pea-brain is?!

- Accurate!

- Cut it out, Simon.

Well, he's a f***in' pea-brain!

So... we'd no sooner landed

and ordered a drink...

...that HE announces that he's randy!

ME? The first words he said were

"Let's get ourselves a screw, Cool!

Absolute lie!

My success with women

affects this little runt.

Absolute f***in' ratshit lie!

Anyway, to get on with the story...

There we are in the restaurant...

We gaze over the restaurant...

...and we see these two

magnificent-lookin' waitresses.

Absolute rat sh*t!...

The bottom of the barrel!

You seemed quite enthusiastic

at the time.

"You're my friend... you want something...

I get it for you!

- Isn't he sickening?!

- No.

So we sat down

and ordered this meal.

At this stage I did nothing more

than to throw in a few quick quips...

...to establish myself as a man

of refinement and wit!

Oh, yes... that jazz...

"Hi, gorgeous, care for a screw?"

No, the secret is to wait

for the right moment...

...and come in on the right question.

"Where are you from?"

asks one of them.

- "Why, South Africa," I replied.

- South Africa?!

Why would anyone want to say

they came from South f***in' Africa?!

Oh, I never mix politics and sex.

Oh, the pizzas!...

Would anyone like a pizza?

Barbecue's ready!

- Excuse me!

- Okay, everyone, come on!

There are plates and salad

on the patio!

Well, Cooley got into HIS bird,

but mine was biologically indisposed.

Most disgusting thing I can remember,

is the night I met him, in this little bistro.

That bistro was number one!

From Wednesday night onwards

you couldn't get in there...

...for medium to good-quality

secretarial twat!

And no sooner had Malcolm arrived...

...than this great bird walked past!

"You want my body, don't you," I said.

Which is a pretty standard approach

of mine over the years.

Having salad?

Enter, the tooth-fairy!

Not hungry?

What's wrong?

This party shits me.

Do you want to go home?

Do you?

I promised I'd drop in and see Cam...

I told you.

You've been with him all afternoon!

He's nearly finished the work

for his exhibition...

And he wants me there

to comment.

It's exciting!

It's about time you concentrated

on your own work.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, maybe the critics had a point.

I thought you said you couldn't

understand their jargon.

I can understand words

like "sloppy" and "self-indulgent"!

What time can I expect you home?

Jesus! I thought we discussed all this!

I'm not putting a curfew on you... it's...

I just want to know whether

it's worth my waiting up, that's all.

- I knew our marriage 'd be a disaster!

- It's NOT a disaster!

Then why don't you put a ball and chain on me?

That's what you want, isn't it?!

Now, may I have my pizza?!

There's your bloody pizza!

Holy Jesus!

It rained all afternoon.

I didn't notice, because I'd put the canvas out

all over the top, just in case it rained.

And when it got cold,

the guests were inside...

- I mean really..

- In certain ways...

Better move your car, mate...

Evan can't get out.

Troubles?

I'm supposed to forego

any meaningful involvement

with anyone but HIM!

No right!

So I'm involved with other men...

so what!?

He knows I don't do it to spite him.

He's just so bloody immature.

Been writing anything lately?

- I got a poem published last week.

- Marvellous! Where?

Newspaper.

- Marvellous!

- It's sh*t!

Hello, gorgeous!

Care for a screw?

He used to say "f***"!

Any particular reason

for the change?

Yeah... I get more fucks

when I say "screw"!

Is he ALWAYS like this?

It's just his tough exterior.

Underneath is a sensitive, vulnerable man.

It's true! He once screwed a woman

with a tin leg, out of sheer pity.

She was very well adjusted...

except that the kneecap squeaked.

You would be the coarsest,

most sex-obsessed person I have ever met!

And a fine sexual technician, to boot!

- Who says?

- I says.

You COULD be overestimating yourself.

I COULD be.

It's the first piece of modesty

I've heard from you all night.

I just threw it in, to intrigue you!

I'm a little intrigued!

You're moe than a little intrigued.

How would you know?

I know a woman on heat,

when I see one!

- How?

- Their eyes moisten.

- Is this test conclusive?

-I have other tests.

Bennelong is a Liberal seat

and at the moment it doesn't look

quite as safe as it used to be.

It's a middle north-shore area...

sitting member Sir John Cremer...

of the Liberal Party...

Slut!

Another one counted as safe Liberal

in Sydney's more affluent suburbs

on the northern line to Hawkesbury...

...held in the previous parliament

by Mr T. Hughes...

The seat of Blaxland

in the south-western suburbs...

You might refill those empty glasses

out there.

Let them do it themselves...

they've got legs.

You're the one who throws

these bloody parties...

...and you won't even accept the responsibility

of looking after your guests!

It's funny... but...

this is the first time...

...I thought it 'd be all right to do this

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