Don't Be a Menace to South Central Page #4

To do what the Lord

wants you to do

Like those of you

who realize that

That the Lord wants you

to give generously into His church

- Amen!

- Don't ask no questions

Don't ask how come

Or, or, or why come the pastor

have to have him a nice house, humph

Or why come the pastor

got to have a nice car, Humph

Don't ask

I said don't ask, I said

Don't ask no questions

- Just give the money

Amen! I got $100 right here!

Brother deacon, get the collection plate

around on that side.

N*gger, get it around on that side.

We will now have a--

a "B" selection from the choir.

I feel the Spirit!

Whoo! Yes.

Ain't that the truth?

All right, Grandma!

- Yes, Lord!

- Praise the Lord!

- Whoo!

- Oh! Yeah! Whoo!

Well, Malik, kid, man.

How's it feel?

- Your first day of college?

- Aw, it ain't nothin' dope.

You be up in there next year.

I'm thinkin' about goin'

away to college myself, kids.

- Thank you, brother.

Thank you. Hey, hey!

Loc, you better stop clownin',

get your G.E.D. before you

end up like that brother.

- There you go, brother.

- Thank you, man.

Bro, I'm gonna get me

my "G-O-B." A job.

Yeah, I heard they hirin' down at B.M.

Motors, Tray. Come down there with me.

Ah, not today, Loc.

I gotta take my driver's test.

This is what fresh air

smell like, huh.

Yeah. You livin' it, man.

Wow. That's great.

- All right, man.

- All right, man.

- Stay up.

- All right, man.

All right. That's enough of all

that sentimental stuff.

Yo, Malik.

Don't forget about us, baby.

- Hey, one love, baby.

- Big baby!

- You know, Malik is the first one

in the hood to go to college.

- Yeah.

- Finally, someone from

the hood is gonna make it.

- Yeah, there is hope.

Yeah!

Hello, I'm Mr. Walker.

I'm your examiner for today.

Put on your seat belt,

check your mirrors; let's begin.

Okay.

Make a right, right there.

And... make another left here.

Park right there.

Wait here.

- Come back here!

Somebody call the police!

Drive, motherf***er! Drive!

- It was nice meeting you.

We'll be in touch.

- Thank you very much. Okay.

My God!

Hey!

Uh, yes? May I help you?

Yeah, I heard y'all n*ggers

was hirin'. What's up?

Oh, yes. Here. Why don't you

fill out this application?

Tsk. Make me write and sh*t.

If I was white,

wouldn't be makin' me write.

Well, actually, originally

I'm from the East Coast.

But after my master's

I thought I'd take a break,

so here I am.

I was tired of living off of Daddy.

"Age." Nineteen.

"Height." Six-deuce, babe.

"Father's name."

I don't know.

"Sex." Hell, yeah, n*gger.

"Salary desired."

Three million dollars.

Cash.

You know, being an lvy Leaguer

can be such a leg up.

You know, I spent five years

at Harvard.

Oh, really? I just spent

six months at County.

Anybody ever try and take

your manhood? Hmm?

Then he sees the warden comin',

so he hides you, but you still

got that plunger in your ass.

- So you just squeal and cry.

- Um, uh--

- Don't you hate when that happens?

- Let's get outta here.

- Hey, where y'all goin'?

- Uh, Loc Dog?

- Uh, uh, Mr. Loc Dog?

- That's me.

- You're next.

- Uh, Mister, uh, Loc Dog?

- Hey, what's up, baby? All right!

- Yeah, right. Ha-ha.

- You all right?

- Yeah! No.

- Energy. Eager man.

- Yeah.

Yes, l-- I like that.

Right this way.

Uh... Loc Dog.

Heh. Uh. Let me just move this.

Ahh.

So, uh, let me see.

Hmm. Very interesting, um--

I see your hobbies are drinking,

smoking weed and all types of ill sh*t.

Yeah.

- Uh, do you drive an automobile?

- Um, with or without the boot?

Doesn't matter.

Well, congratulations.

You got yourself a job.

Right on, huh?

Hey, where the seat belts at?

Don't worry.

They won't be necessary.

Hey, man, how you

work this radio?

Whoo!

One more time!

- Mmm, boy! Mmm. Yeah!

Yeah! I told you, you ain't

got no game for me, boy!

- Now I'm gonna wear you out,

you little punk.

- What's that?

- My gat, fool.

Where you learn

how to use a gun, anyway?

Cartoons and hood movies.

Doo Rag, don't you know that you

and I are an endangered species?

- Why, because we're black males?

- No!

Because all the rappers

are takin' all the good actin' jobs!

Listen, Doo Rag. Havin' a gun

doesn't give you any power.

- You wanna know where

the real power is?

- In the bullets.

No! ln the books.

See, Doo Rag,

your mind--

it is like a gun!

And you gonna load it up...

with little, itty-bitty...

bullets of knowledge.

Message!

Hey. What are you doin'?

Writing a poem.

See, my poetry, it helps me escape the

harsh realities of livin' in the hood.

Ah. That's deep.

Hey, you wanna read me one?

Okay.

Let me see.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

"Love is by far...

the most precious thing on earth,

Iike a rose's fragrance...

- or a child's birth.

Love me...

and leave me;

that's the story of my life.

But it won't happen again, see,

since I bought

a butcher's knife.

Yeah, see, the next man

who loves me,

and leaves me so quick, mm-hmm,

- I'm gon' cut off his balls

and I'm gon' chop off his dick.

I'm gon' shoot

that motherf***er.

I'm gon' kill him!

I'm gon' stab that motherf***er!

Sh*t! F***in' with me?

Oh, no!

I'm gon' run him over

with my car, see.

He f***in' with the wrong motherf***er.

You don't f*** with me!

- I will kill that motherf***er--"

- Baby, baby, baby, baby.

- I get the point. It was-- That was--

- You liked it?

That was good. I mean,

it touched me in a... really...

special place.

Look. You wait right here.

I sure will.

Psst.

Dashiki was far

more sexually experienced than I was.

She taught me

all about foreplay.

Until then, I ain't

never done foreplay before.

But then again, who needs foreplay

when you're jackin' off?

- Mmm.

- Ah.

- You thirsty?

- Ah.

Nuh-uh, fool!

That's the baby's lunch.

- Agh!

- Ah. Agh! Agh! Aghh!

- Huh?

- Hmm?

- Ooh.

- Damn, girl. You're so tight.

Wrong hole, fool!

Oh. My bad.

I couldn't believe this

was happening to me.

I was losing my virginity

to the woman of my dreams.

Talk dirty to me.

I'm coming! Uhh! Uhh!

What did you say?

Never mind.

- I'll tell you when I wake up.

- Ohh!

- Ashtray, wake up!

What? What's up, baby?

I need to tell you something.

What's up?

- I'm pregnant.

- Already?

- Are you sure?

- I got seven kids. I think

I know what I'm talkin' about!

Dashiki, l-- I'm not ready

to be no father right now.

Oh, so you man enough

to come up in me,

but you ain't man enough

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