Don't Think Twice Page #2

this new pen.

It's actually not a pen.

That's a fish.

And you dumb.

Pause there.

So, good stuff, you guys.

Um, I think what we wanna do

is think in positives.

So Natasha says, "here's a

pen." You might add to that.

You know, "oh, thanks." It's got an

inscription. It says "happy anniversary."

Okay, cool. That's tight if you

wanna be doing improv forever.

But I wanna do weekend live.

Like, how do you do that?

You wait in line, Gary.

You looked good.

It's weekend live!

I'm glad you're keeping score.

It's the sports of comedy. It's the

only live sporting event of comedy.

But comedy isn't a sport.

"It's the sports of comedy."

It shouldn't have winners and losers,

and there shouldn't be points.

They got Gary Cho,

and then it's like, who else?

You know what I mean?

Everybody else is... White.

Even if it wasn't me, there should

be somebody else on this show

that represents another... Different

shades of white, certainly.

Yes, definitely. They've

got eggshell. Ecru.

To ecru to off-white

to almost ochre.

I enjoy ochre performers.

It was good when I was little.

You never know if it was good

when you were little

or you were just little,

so you didn't know.

It's the great paradox of weekend

live, is was it good ever?

Or did we think so

because we were 12?

You should not have

said that in your audition.

I brought that up

at my interview.

Hi.

Sarah, we're gonna hold ten.

Why are we holding ten?

I called Hugh Finn. He's bringing over

some producers from weekend live.

Hey, Jack, don't pull

some showboat sh*t out there.

What? When do I do that?

You always do that.

Anyone from the industry shows up, you

turn into a one-man audition tape.

You did it when the guy from Conan

came, when law and order came.

You guys, where's bill?

Where is bill?

He doesn't wanna miss this.

"Where are you?"

Bill?

Where's bill?

Where's bill? Where's bill?

Bill, bill, bill,

bill, bill, bill.

Bill's not gonna be happy

about missing weekend live.

- I love bill, but we gotta do the show.

- Here we go, guys.

Please welcome the commune!

Hi. I'm Sam.

Miles.

Allison.

Lindsay.

Jack.

And we are the commune.

In fact, everything you see tonight

is going to be improvised,

and it's all about you guys.

So did anybody out there

have a particularly hard day?

Hmm? Yes.

Yeah, I saw my dad for the

first time in ten years today.

What? Really? Where?

He drives a taxi, and I just

randomly got into his cab.

Wait. No, no, no.

Wow.

Fact-checking.

Uh, you got into a taxi.

You did not know it was your dad.

Then you said, "hi, dad"?

Yes, I said, "hi, dad."

Well, okay.

Wow. Hop in.

Oh.

Thanks. I didn't think anyone was gonna

pick me up. It's raining so hard.

Yeah. Where you headed?

I'm going to a restaurant

on west fourth and Broadway.

What do you got goin' on there?

A blind date with a man I'll probably

engage in sexual congress with.

That seems a little fast.

Well...

Thank you. I...

I consider myself quite fast.

In fact, I...

I have abandonment issues.

My father left me.

So I basically only relate

to men through sex.

That's challenging

for me to hear.

Um... in that case,

I think I'll get out here.

Okay.

Welcome to la Traviata.

How many?

Two. I'm meeting someone.

I'll be right back.

Thank you.

Dad?

I'm just trying to be

part of your life.

And you drove the cab?

Well, uh, now, look,

as the president of

the United States of America,

I believe that it's not only

my duty to find your father

but also have him pick you up in a cab

and take you to your destination.

This is a new program we're working

on right now called cabs for dads,

but my critics like

to call it Obamacabs.

Uh, as if that would bother me.

I was justifying why a man would be

picking up his daughter in a cab.

You also justified why you should

be doing your best impression.

When weekend live is there.

When weekend live is there.

I thought it was very strong.

Thank you.

No, you know, they're right.

You guys are right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have done that. I went out

there. I shouldn't have done that.

That's Alicia Bonham

and Hugh Finn.

Should I go over there?

Why would you go

over there and not us?

I don't care.

It doesn't Matt...

I could go over there. You could

go over there. We can't all go.

Hi. I'm Jack.

Alicia.

That show was so good.

Thank you. Oh, my god.

I'm so flattered. We are so flattered.

Such an honor.

We're all so flattered,

you know.

I started the group 11 years ago.

Hi. I'm Lindsay.

I love these guys. We were

in the trenches together.

Miles and I are, like,

stage brothers for life.

So I'll see you

at Hugh's wedding then.

Oh, um, you're getting married?

It's actually just

a really small thing, so...

I don't care. I don't

wanna go to a wedding.

I hate weddings.

And babies.

If you ever have a baby,

don't invite me to it.

I follow you on Twitter.

I f***ing hate Twitter.

My publicist made me join.

But, I mean, it's part of it,

though, you know, right? Right?

Yeah.

If you ever wanna

hate it together,

I'm Jack-underscore-Mercer,

so...

Underscore is my middle name.

I have an Instagram

for my neighbor's dog, actually.

So if you wanna check that out,

really fun stuff.

You don't have to be

an animal lover.

It's just like really human

moments but also dog moments.

Uh, tulipbone,

'cause the dog's name is tulip.

She likes bones. Easy to remember.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

Nice to meet you.

It is weird that he didn't

invite me to his wedding.

Is it though?

I wasn't invited either.

Smug son of a b*tch. I'm not

invited to his wedding?

I introduced him to his wife.

I just tagged Alicia

on some tulipbone pictures.

Oh, nice.

You mispronounced Alicia.

Alicia.

No, it's not pron...

This is Natasha. She's one of my students.

She's staying with us this week.

Hey. I got evicted.

My roommate sells crack.

Oh, man.

How was your show?

It was good.

Weekend live showed up.

Oh, god. Seriously?

Are they casting?

'Cause I've been working

on my characters. Yeah?

Like, "y'all want some crack?

Y'all want some crack

in your eggs?"

I'm not sure they're casting.

Anyway...

Oh, my god. You guys, Bonnie

just texted me. They loved Sam.

Sam? You hear that? Yeah?

Did they mention me?

You know, I auditioned for the

show in 2003. I was... inches.

"Inches. I was, like, inches.

I was, like, inches."

Don't break my phone.

Boom. Yes.

So who wins Jenga?

The person who does not

knock it over.

Like, everybody

who doesn't lose Jenga wins.

Such a weird game.

Well done.

Yes, I can.

Mm-hmm. I'm there.

What's going on?

Sam. Sam.

More points for riskier moves?

You know that Americans eat

one trillion eggs a year?

- We do not. Is that

even true, data?

Why do you call her data?

You don't know data from Star Trek?

How old are you?

Okay, we will be there.

So, are you okay?

Yeah. That was Bonnie.

Okay.

We have an audition

on Thursday for weekend live.

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