Don't Think Twice Page #4

I can't believe it.

I did ray Romano sings.

They had to stop because

everyone was laughing so hard.

No! You shut up!

A character called

the ticket taker.

He's an old timey ticket taker, but

he works at a modern cineplex.

And he doesn't understand.

He's, like, delusional.

He thinks that we've lost the

classic kind of feel of the cinema.

And so he's stuck

in this world. So...

Hi. Hello.

Hi. I'm here to

quit show business.

Well, hello.

Hi. I'm here to quit

show business as well.

What? Jugglers

almost never quit.

What else do they have to do?

So then he says,

"that's how it goes."

And then

I was like, "okay."

So I walk back into the

lobby, out of his office.

And Gary Cho was sitting there.

He looks at me.

Gary Cho says,

"we're all really excited."

And then I'm going,

"uh-oh. What?"

And at that moment, Timothy's

assistant comes out of the office...

And made it official.

Oh, my god!

Ahh!

- Yeah!

- That is amazing.

Jack! Oh, man, that is amazing.

Awesome.

Congratulations.

I know, I know.

I'm f***ing spinning.

Dude! Yes! Dude!

Thank you, man.

My man!

That's so... I can't believe I

know someone on weekend live.

So that's it?

You just got it?

For years, I was like, "it's either

Jack or miles, but probably Jack."

I always thought that.

No, but that's what you get.

That's what you get.

Right? Uh, yeah.

Where's Sam?

You know what?

We showed up separately.

She hasn't texted me back yet.

So I don't know what's going on.

Can you still do our shows?

We only have three weeks left.

You can still do our shows.

I don't know.

I don't... you know, uh...

I mean, it's late night.

It's just the weekday.

I don't know, 'cause you're

writing all the time.

It's our first week. I wanna

put my best foot forward.

There she is.

There she is.

Hi. I'm so sorry I missed the show.

How was it?

- It doesn't matter. What happened?

- How'd it go?

Um...

I was late, and they wouldn't let me in.

What? Why? Why?

I don't know.

How late were you?

I was, like, 20 minutes late.

Twenty minutes late,

and they wouldn't let you in?

All right. Maybe I was

30 minutes late.

But how was it for you?

Listen. I told you I would wait for you.

I told you I would go...

I know. How was it

for you though?

Honey, yeah, I got the show.

I got it.

That's great.

Yeah, yeah.

That's...

Honey, but I...

Thank you.

I wanted us both to get it. I

really wanted us both to get it.

I know.

Look, guys, this is, um...

This is a victory for the whole

group, okay? 'Cause I'm gonna...

- you mean you'll talk to

Timothy about us? -Uh...

When you talk to him,

my name's bill.

Just to remind you, I'm bill. We've

known each other many years.

A lot of guys who get on that

show can hire their own writers

or, you know, suggest it.

Seriously.

Yeah. I mean, I'm...

To Jack, everybody! To Jack!

Cheers! All right! Jack.

This is huge.

Bill!

Put me down.

I was Jack's

first teacher, actually.

Oh.

You're my first teacher.

Exactly.

That's cool.

Crazy.

Yeah. It's just like

anything could happen.

I was just so in it, and I felt,

"if I don't get this,

I'm gonna kill myself."

I literally thought that, and

I believe that to be true.

Oh, you mean like

if you had to live our lives?

Like, if you had to continue living

like us, you'd kill yourself?

I don't have OCD.

I used to when I was a kid.

I had it kind of like... Basically, I

had this thing with picture frames.

If I saw a picture frame, I would

have to touch the four corners of it,

but it would have to feel right.

If you want to talk to anybody,

I have a great therapist.

That's so sweet of you,

but I'm fine.

Okay.

I'm fine.

She's always struggled

with this. It's like, um...

She ran away from home

when she was 16

to become a ballerina.

Like an actual point toes.

Yeah.

Pirouettes and all that?

Nutcracker, yeah.

Black swan kind of thing.

It didn't work out.

She's great,

but it didn't work out.

Then she started coming

to commune shows,

and she became kind of

obsessed with our group.

Then I asked her to join the group.

Wow.

Sam, honey.

Honey, what happened?

You can't just have been

20 minutes late.

Doesn't matter.

Cool.

- Thanks a lot, ma'am.

Oh, my god.

Where you going?

Uh...

I kind of feel like a whore.

What do you mean?

We had a great time.

You're, like, 40.

I just turned 36.

I need you to teach my classes.

Why?

I can't take it anymore.

Another one of my students gets my

dream job, I'm still teaching 101?

I gotta focus on me,

writing for me.

I'm gonna get the job

at weekend live.

That's good for you, miles,

but I can't teach.

Why? I'm good in a group.

I'm no good on my own.

To the improv

for America theater.

Please turn off

your cell phones.

No photography is allowed.

What's that phrase?

"A house is made

of brick and stone,

but a home is made

of love alone"?

You ever hear that one?

No, Greg, I haven't.

I read it, uh...

It was like hanging up

in a doctor's office one time.

You guys ever hear

a phrase that's like,

"a bird in the hand

is like two in a bush"?

I heard that one.

Yeah?

Yeah. You guys

ever hear that phrase,

"there's nothing that

feels better than feeling

someone's last breath

come out of their mouth"?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I heard that one.

I heard that one.

What about, like,

that one where it's like,

"the final drop of blood

in a man's body

is the sweetest nectar

you'll ever drink"?

Yeah. Yeah.

So I met this guy.

He owns this space in midtown.

It's kind of fancy for us.

It's mostly like jazz and

classical music and stuff,

but he said we could rent it

on one of the off-nights.

We might even be able to

make some money. Really?

Yeah.

Wow. Is it expensive or...

That's the thing. We would

have to front like $4,000.

But once we match it in ticket

sales, we split up any profits.

That sounds good.

Can we see the space?

Hey. Come on, guys. Look.

Is this a lovely room, huh?

It's nice.

Is that a Steinway?

Biggest one in the city.

It's got a good vibe.

He seems like he really likes our

show, but he also seems like,

if I'm being honest, like he's

slimy enough to get it done.

Yeah.

Good slimy.

I actually gotta get going.

But I'll see you at 9:00?

Can we make it 9:30? What

are you guys working on?

Writing packet for weekend live.

Cool.

I would get in on that.

What do you mean?

Like, I'd submit

with you guys as a team.

Writing teams are two people.

And we already kind of...

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, I'll do...

I'll do my own.

They should all...

You want the scenes, guys,

to run about three minutes to

four minutes, tops. Gotcha.

The whole packet should have

like three parody pieces,

a commercial piece, a political piece.

That's good.

Do you think they would

want like cartoon form?

I was thinking about

drawing them out

so they read it

almost like a comic.

Maybe draw a couple little

cartoons next to the script.

There's this girl,

and she's on a dating show,

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