Duel

---

Visit Mike Vernon Motors

at 13631 Valley Boulevard...

in Garden Grove.

Now, for our report from

the freeways, to Don Edwards...

and KBMJ's eye in the sky.

Come in, Don.

Things seem to be pretty normal

on our southland freeways...

which is to say they're about filled

to capacity at this hour of the morning.

There's a stalled vehicle

in the number two lane...

of the inbound San Diego Freeway

just south of Mulholland.

We also have a report

of an accident half a mile west...

of the 605 junction

of the Santa Ana Freeway.

Both vehicles are now

up on the center divider.

Traffic is still slow and go

in that area.

Traffic is also heavily congested

on the westbound Ventura Freeway...

from Woodman to Balboa

due to construction.

We understand this condition

will last until 3:00 this afternoon.

Don Edwards in Airwatch 3.

Back to you.

Thanks, Don. The weather

for today, as promised...

is a carbon copy of yesterday's:

low overcast this morning,

clearing by 11:
00.

The National Weather Bureau

says the high today will be about 74...

low tonight in the high 50s.

At the beaches temperatures

will stay in the pleasant 70s.

Water temperature

in the 60s.

The APCD predicts light

to moderate eye irritation...

as if you hadn't

already noticed. I have.

You know how much

your dog likes meat?

Well, make sure that's

what he's gett...

...Grocery card double discount value

I mention each week...

is not one of a kind.

It's only one of hundreds of

double discounts always available...

at Grocery Cart.

The giant 49...

...At the first sign of any

hemorrhoidal discomfort...

treatment should begin

at once.

Remarkably successful results

have been obtained...

with a doctor-proven medica...

...5 to 3.

St. Louis, 6,

the Giants, 4.

Milwaukee defeated

the Royals, 4 to 3.

Texas edged

the Yankees, 5 to 4.

Pittsburgh and

the Padres rained out.

The Dodgers and Angels

were both idle.

In golf, Dave Brewer has

a one-stroke lead...

after the first round

of the Toronto Classic.

He shot a 5-under-par 67...

with Lee Trevino

one stroke back at 68.

Three others tied

four strokes off the pace at 71.

Does your car needa new muffler

or new shock absorbers?

You know

about these census forms...

that the Census Bureau has sent

out to us all to fill in, right?

That will be the basis of this.

Census district office.

I'd like some information.

I'm filling out my census form now...

and I have an awful problem.

- Can somebody help me?

- Go ahead.

Thanks. Oh, you're

gonna answer my question?

Oh, good. First of all,

I just wanted to say...

I don't mind being counted

as an American.

I'm one of the silent majority.

But I wish you had made some of

those questions multiple choice.

The question was,

are you the head of the family?

Well, quite frankly,

the day I married that woman...

that, unfortunately, I've been

married to for 25 years...

Well, it's true. I lost the position

as head of the family.

You see, what I do...

I stay at home. I hate working.

I hate going out

and seeing people...

and getting involved

in the rat race and things.

So she works

and I do the housework...

and take care of the babies

and things like that.

And so, I was wondering...

you wanted honest answers.

Now, what I did,

I pencilled in all of the marks...

You wanted marks in these circles

I see in front of me.

I pencilled it in first, but I said,

"No, that's being dishonest.

"I'm really not

the head of the family...

and yet I'm the man

of the family."

Although there are people

who would question that.

But nevertheless,

I was wondering...

how should I answer

that question?

Well, if you don't consider yourself

head of the household...

and you think your wife

occupies that position...

I would suggest you put

your wife's name there.

But that's so embarrassing. What

will you people think when I send it?

- Nobody is even going to know.

- Are you sure?

I'm positive. No one

will know about that.

We won't know you from

Adam's house cat.

But there are people

in my neighborhood...

- They will never see that form.

- Are you sure?

No one in your neighborhood

will ever find out.

I don't want people

to know about that.

I've lived like this

for 15 years...

and I admit,

I wear a house dress.

It's so much easier to pick up

stuff in a house dress...

And, you know, slippers.

- And, quite frankly, I've adopted most

of the ways... - Talk about pollution.

of the average housewife, and I'd

hate for anybody to know that.

Anyway, it's very embarrassing,

so would you...

All information that you include

on that form is confidential.

It's unreasonable

to expect...

...800,000 others.

So it would be all right?

I wanna be honest with you.

I'm really not the head of the family.

She doesn't know I'm calling.

That woman just drives me

up the wall.

I like doing this

just to get even with her.

You know how women are before

you marry them. They're so nice.

And suddenly they become

so aggressive.

I mean, she became

so aggressive afterward.

Just took over everything.

I mean...

I'm afraid of her, you see.

I've been wanting to divorce her.

The first six months of marriage,

I knew I made a mistake.

But no, I got ahold of this first,

before she did...

and I thought,

"Well, I'll answer it."

But I wanted to be honest,

and I'm a man of conscience...

so I wanted to make sure. If I put

down I'm the head of the family...

nobody would know

the difference, right?

I'll put it down...

I really like you.

Are you married?

- No.

- Oh. When you get married...

don't be like

that whippo I married.

Would you?

- I'll try my best not to be.

- All right.

- Thank you so much. It's nice

talking to you. - You're welcome.

- Good-bye.

- Good-bye.

This is Mr. Whittington.

You were talking to a Mr...

Oh, Valenti, the man

who blows bicycle pump...

on the Ted Mack Original

Amateur Hour. Yes.

Yes, well, I've...

I've been trying to get

in touch with Mr. Mack.

Because...

well, I've tried to...

Well, I play music on

something unusual myself.

We're always looking for

original amateur talent.

Mr. Valenti is unusual

for the fact...

that he not only blows

"Oh, Johnny" on the bicycle pump...

but also does nail file

on a high, flat table...

and also plays

the vacuum cleaner nozzle.

"It's a Great Day

for the Irish."

You say you do

something unusual?

- Well, what do you do, may I ask?

- I play meat.

- You what?

- I play meat.

You play meat?

- Yes, meat. You know, beef

and pork? - That's sick, man.

- M-e-a-t, meat?

- Yes.

It may sound a little strange.

Yeah. I don't mean

to hurt your feelings,

but I've never heard of anybody

who plays meat.

- A lot of people think it's strange.

- Yes, I can understand that.

- No offense. Are you serious

about this? - Yes, I've...

worked here as

an assistant butcher...

and I've found in a cold

storage locker there...

Yes, sir. Whatever

you want, I got it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes