Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off

I was having a sexy soiree.

It's a multilevel marketing

home-based business that I do,

selling Lutheran approved sex

toys to married ladies.

Wow, the excitement is palpable

with you ladies today.

You know, actually can you

hear me without the mic?

- Yeah, just sitting right here.

- I guess so. All right, okay.

All right, sexy soiree

is a Lutheran based company.

These are Lutheran marital aids.

These products

are for marrieds only.

So little bit... and I got to

tell the truth here.

Pauline and I actually

don't use the products.

I was not even allowed

to look at the products.

I'm Sharon Solfest and this

is my sister, Pauline.

I'm Pauline Solfest.

Well, you know,

this is the first time

in the history of the

Van Rookle's farm cook-off,

which started in 1945,

this is the first time

there have ever been

two sisters, both finalists...

We don't like to say competing

- because we're not competing.

- Because we're not competing.

We're... different categories.

And this is the fluffer whip.

Stop that, I'm not married.

My recipe is easy one cupboard

death by chocolate pie.

It's, well, very chocolaty.

It starts off with a delicious

pre-prepared Graham cracker,

chocolate Graham cracker crust.

Then it has, like, a fondant,

like an icing.

- And...

- Smooth.

So smooth.

And then it's a mousse.

It's like a pudding/mousse

kind of a thing.

It's so good.

And then chocolate chips,

regular chocolate chips,

milk chocolate chips,

white chocolate chips,

and then candy.

Butterscotch chocolate chips.

The butterscotch

chocolate chips, thank you.

It'll give you a seizure.

This goes...

You know, pretty much any way

you would want it to go.

- Yeah.

- Do you need, like Novocain

or some kind of topical, uh,

- numbing agent to use that?

- I don't...

You know,

you're a medical professional

so you know more

about that than me.

This is where I work,

at golden minutes

senior day care.

And it's the most fun thing

in the world for me.

- This is Mrs. Burress. -Couldn't

find an orderly all night!

Where was the orderlies?

In your bedroom? Whore!

I get paid

only eight hours a day,

but I stay for 14 sometimes

because I'm having

so much darn fun.

I'm a nutritionist.

I do mostly soft foods

because that's what

they can digest here.

Hey, don't swallow

the whole spoon.

Ah, put it in my... crack a

hole and put it in there.

- In vegetables, no one enters that.

- No one ever wins that.

I thought, "well,

I'll enter my cream corn."

It is cream corn

for the lactose intolerant.

Made with ja-mocha mix,

which is...

You know,

it's non-dairy creamer.

Right, cream corn,

non-dairy creamer.

Those that can't do it,

you know what happens

when you can't digest dairy.

That's a situation...

- well, you know, they have... -that I

would like to leave for the third shift.

This is my life, you know.

I work here 14 hours a day.

I go home and take care

of my dad.

I don't have a lot of time.

I sure don't have a boyfriend.

So my fianc,

Lars Hagerbakke and I,

are very much in love.

Um, we met at the

blue earth community theatre

doing a production of

guys and dolls.

I was adopted into

the Hagerbakke family.

Um, before that, I have vague

memories of my black family.

I remember-i remember looking up

from what must have been a crib

and just seeing darkness and

eyes smiling back down at me.

When I first saw Sharon,

I said, "there is a doll,

there is a living

and walking doll

with all the fluids

that people have inside,

but a doll on the outside."

He talks like that all the...

Give me a kiss.

You are so romantic.

Give me that kiss.

That's good.

We're probably the most

glamorous people in blue earth.

I'm very, very Swedish.

- I mean...

- The most Swedish.

Actually, his mom, Ingalo,

always says, "you know what,

Lars is the most Swedish

of everyone in our family."

He makes the foods...

All the recipes.

The soecker kaka,

- which is my favorite.

- Soecker kaka,

which is our total favorite.

We love that so much.

It's like, could you

get enough soecker kaka?

- No. No.

- I don't think so.

I could literally wake up

with soecker kaka in my mouth

and be happy,

- if I could.

- He'd be happy.

That's the way

he'd love to wake up.

Uh, Lars and I

have made

a commitment to chastity.

We're chaste.

We are saving ourselves

for a covenantal marriage.

And we've been together,

it's not easy.

Can you describe

your physical life together?

Now this is the first year

that Van Rookle farms

has offered a

million-dollar prize,

which is pretty amazing.

Shh! Please,

keep it quiet because

I'm being interviewed.

The more Van Rookle farms

ingredients you use

in your, um, in your dish,

the better chance

you have of winning.

So for instance,

instead of using,

you know, like ground beef,

you could use Van Rookle farms

imitation, um, meaty kernels,

and the great thing

about that is

that doesn't even need to be

refrigerated ever.

So that's just-that's gonna

stay fresh wherever you...

You could be like, "oh honey,

you dropped the meaty kernels."

It's like,

"oh, just leave it there,

we'll get it later, it's fine."

So basically

what's going to happen

is that all 50 contestants

are going to come

pouring through that door,

and we've got contestants

from all over the nation.

One of everything. It's like

Noah's ark here at the cook off.

Uh... women and this year,

one man,

our first male contestant.

And we've got an

African American contestant

this year, finally.

And we...

Love to have her.

Happy to have her.

That's not an issue for us.

I don't know who it would be

an issue for.

And the lord sayeth...

I drive all the streams

of Egypt.

All the streams of Egypt.

Honor thy mother and father,

says the lord.

Now I like to honor my mother.

I'd like you all to know

that sister ladybug Briggs,

our very own

sister ladybug Briggs,

has just been chosen

as a finalist

in the Van Rookle farms

cook-off.

Like manna from heaven,

her biscuits will deliver us.

Y'all know I can make a biscuit.

The lord delivered 5,000

with the loaves and fishes.

Well, she's about to deliver me.

My name is ladybug Briggs.

The reason

they called me ladybug

is because I love ladybugs.

Now I don't get the fingernails

with the band-aids on them

because these are weak

and I'm using the band-aids

to hold them on.

I love ladybugs

because they bring me luck,

just like they're

going to bring me

for this cooking competition

on the... um...

For the va...

What's the name?

It's, uh,

the Van Rookle farms cook-off.

For the Van Rookle farms

cook-off.

Now I have been, um, a cook

since I was probably

around 12 years old.

Markus, Markus,

you in the camera.

Oh, all right.

I do karate if they looking for

somebody like that, just...

- They ain't looking

for nobod...

well, they might be. You know,

that's my baby, Markus,

and if any of y'all need somebody

to do karate, he's wonderful.

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