Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #10

- Morty's not a judge.

Subject to us.

We need access to the Jumbotron.

We want to put a tape... you know

that tape I'm talking about?

- This is fixed.

- Absolutely, I second that.

- And I, I'll alert the media.

- Let me just tell you,

the Federated groceries

and Van Rookle farms

really need to

shore up their support

in the urban ethnic communities,

and for me,

what better way to do it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll go to the media, I mean it.

My next door neighbor's cousin

is on the view.

Okay, okay, which one

are you voting for?

We now come to the climax

of the Van Rookle

farms cook-off.

On that silver tray is the

one million dollar recipe.

So without further ado,

the winner and the entry

that gets to run away

with one million dollars

of Morty Van Rookle's money

is...

Del Crawford for his

chocolate coco-nutty

dream bars recipe.

- Del Crawford.

- I won! I won!

Justice! Justice! Justice!

I promised you a story.

This is a story and a half,

you are not

going to believe this.

Just watch and learn.

I used to run one...

- Whoo!

- Yeah!

This isn't my thing.

I mean, I don't bake.

I don't like baked goods.

I don't like...

I like chocolate.

What is this?

What is this?

A gay bar?

I've got to lower the phone,

I thought I blew it...

I just want to hold

that really big check.

That man's a cheater!

- No, I mean I really do.

- What?

He cheated my mama

out of a million dollars!

That ain't going down like that!

Please calm down!

There's been cheating at

the Van Rookle farms cook-off.

This has never happened

in the history of...

We will prepare a statement.

There's nothing to worry about,

people.

Just get everybody out

and that means you.

Security guards on every door.

I want everybody out.

Excuse me, I need you outside.

A leopard does not

change its spots.

- Where's the

- he just ran out.

Oh, yeah.

At this time, I'm going to

need everybody

to disperse from this area.

I am bringing to you live

here from the Van Rookle

farms cook-off

what may well be

the very first incident

of cheating ever

at the cook-off.

Well, it seems that three time

finalist, Daneel Kuhar,

has put in her fianc,

Del Crawford, in her place,

calling him from the audience

in order to prompt him

on his recipe

in order to win

the one million dollars,

a clear infraction of the Van

Rookle farms cook-off rules.

Hey, honey. Just checking in.

- How are you doing?

- Hi, honey.

It sounds like you're in pain.

What's going on?

- The baby's coming, isn't he?

- Shut up. I haven't... sh!

I honestly need to speak

with my ex-fianc, Sharon.

Though I no longer feel

that way about woman,

we still have

a very special connection.

I understand, sir, and I

celebrate your lifestyle,

but no one

is going inside this room.

The area is sealed, code black!

Make way for the muffin.

Make way for the muffin.

That is it. Just the muffin.

Just the muffin!

You're not a muffin...

All right, lady,

you're coming with me.

You know, but I don't think

now's the time.

- Sweetheart, come with me.

- No, no, I've seen you look.

- I'm sure you're very good.

- Honey, it's me. It's me.

Just understand

that I have my orders.

From Mr. whims himself!

Everybody, just please,

if you could just,

if we could just

have your Patience.

We're in a lockdown.

Anyone who is not a final

contestant needs to wait here.

Did you hear that?

We're in a lockdown.

I have been authorized

to use pepper force on you.

Everybody just take

one giant step back.

Don't make me pull out

my feng shui on you, man.

- Whoa, okay.

- I'll go Ying Yang on you, bro.

I am unsheathing

my pepper spray.

I don't know

if you can see this here,

but they're

bringing in a stretcher.

No one!

No one is allowed!

That is not how it works

in my conference room.

Just calm down.

There's a 911 call, there's

a woman in labor in there.

Okay, okay, just him.

That man freaks about security.

These Van Rookle people are nut

balls, I'm not kidding you.

- Did you let the man in?

- The muffin man authorized it.

- This is the muffin man.

- I didn't recognize him.

My mama's in there!

The competition's over. Ma'am.

Are you...

- Do you know Lamaze?

- Yeah, I've had three.

Do your breathing.

Hi, I'm Timothy whims.

- Hi.

- What's your name?

I'm the muffin man.

Okay, actually, no, you're not

and we'd appreciate it

if you'd take off our mascot.

Now... Please.

I can't take it off.

My wife's having a baby.

Pauline.

Pauline, hi.

Uh, could you get the apron,

please, Pauline?

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh...

- It's good to see you again.

- Put that on. Put that on.

Who are you?

Who...

I'm the muffin man.

You don't... yeah.

- No.

- Yeah.

- No.

- Without my suit.

- No.

- It's what I look like.

Why don't you have your suit on?

Well, I sold it.

We're in a lockdown,

so I'm going to need all of you

to leave asap,

and if you want to go too,

- you can go but you forfeit your eligibility.

- -You know what, guys...

Sure.

They are dividing our family.

- There are more of us

than there are of them.

So now you're listening to him

stirring up the crowd.

We see muffins go by,

we see naked men go by.

I think you're wonderful

and I hope you win.

Are you saying that to me

because if I win,

you're going to want my money

or something?

No. No.

- I want drugs. -Honey, I'm

going to get a vasectomy.

You said vasectomy, didn't you?

- Okay.

- I don't mean to be too forward.

I think you're as beautiful as

the whole state of Minnesota.

Never in my life

has anyone ever said anything

to me that way.

Step aside and open that door.

- I'm rooting for you.

- Thanks.

Anybody hurts themselves,

I am a lawyer.

Please, please,

will you hold it down,

ladies and gentlemen?

I've never seen anything

like this in my whole life.

I don't get paid enough money

for this.

Hold it down. Hold it down!

From the nosh network, I think

finally we are going to hear

who the final, final winner

of the Van Rookle

farms cook-off is,

after much strim and drom,

after much emotion.

Judges and contestants

are finally in,

we're finally going to hear who

wins the million dollar prize.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the judges have decided

in their infinite wisdom

and their desire

to avoid a lawsuit,

that the winner of the Van Rookle

farm's one million dollar cook-off

is Pauline Solfest

for Pauline's corn.

Oh, hell no!

- Oh, yes!

- I won!

Oh, my god...

Oh, I feel like I'm dreaming.

Oh, my god. You guys are

all looking at me right now.

I don't know what to say...

I didn't prepare anything...

Oh, my god.

This is America.

Anything can happen,

anyone can make it,

and this is a young woman's

dream come true.

You know, corn...

Is amazing.

Corn, it is good,

it is sweet, you know.

Corn is good and I love corn.

What's that? Oh.

Thank you so much.

I wouldn't have realized

this life

if it wasn't for my supportive

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