Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #11

sister, Pauline.

You have decided to

let me in the limelight.

This is where I've been able

to truly shine.

If it wasn't for her,

I wouldn't have had

the confidence

to apply for the

Van Rookle farms cook-off.

Thank you, judges,

and thank you, Sharon.

Aww.

I love you too.

Good evening, and welcome to the

Christine Merriweather report.

Six months after the Van Rookle

farms scandal, where are they now?

We'll take you inside the lives

of the contestants,

judges and the

Van Rookle employees,

in the aftermath

of the only cook-off

in the history of this country,

to spark a full

senate investigation.

This is a story

you do not want to miss.

Stay tuned.

And we caught those cheaters.

We did. We caught them.

We put them in jail.

The Kuhar woman,

we got her on tax fraud

for cheating the contest.

You know she had that

boyfriend, we got him too.

He's in the big house now.

We got him on grand theft

motorcycle.

Not as big a charge,

but it's still substantial

in my book.

- It's been a dream of mine

to have a really big check

in my hands.

Not so much the amount,

but the size of it,

for a real long, long time,

since I was a kid, you know,

and saw that on TV.

I was like, "man,

I hope I get to hold

a really big check some day."

I would say to the people

at Van Rookle farms,

make sure that

the checks are small,

again not the amount, the size of

the actual, real size of the check.

I would say to the young people

of this country,

stay away from baked goods,

they're fattening.

And I would also say

open yourself up to

all kinds of experiences.

Kill somebody, you know.

I'm philosophical about it.

I get laid more in here.

I don't think I've ever

fully recovered

from not winning.

Now Thaddeus seems to think

that there's some kind of way

I can still

collect some earnings.

Thaddeus blew it for you, mama.

Mama, it is not your fault

at all.

It's the fault of certain

Korean businesses

like the nail pretty heaven

salon,

that are cutting corners

with their materials.

They stopped using good glue

down there at that place.

That's what I'm talking about.

These Korean people cut corners.

Easy. You shouldn't be

bothering the Koreans.

They have suffered enough with Vietnam

and all that. They don't need this.

Well, they come over here

to this boy's church,

yelling and had signs

and everything.

Which has caused my mother

to lose a million dollars.

So we have filed a suit to make

them pay for their negligence.

Now this is just them

getting some steam off.

It's nothing serious,

nothing to worry about.

You need to go out there.

It's your hoe.

Don't call my girlfriend a hoe.

That's her name, isn't it? Ho?

Well, it's ho-lin Lee win.

I'm going to go out there.

No, I'm going to go out there!

People probably go knives.

Ow! Ow!

After the competition,

I... did not have a meltdown.

I know that that is

the rumor that you heard,

but I had an awakening.

This incredible voice

came out of me.

You know, it was like a...

I just knew that there were

a lot of people out there

that hated their mother,

and if I could just, like,

reach out to,

like, that 13 year old girl who,

you know,

wants her mother to be

hit in the head,

you know, with a hammer.

So I thought, "yeah,

Victoria's secretions."

She's apparently gone into

some sort of a music career,

but she never had any...

I tried to.

I gave her piano lessons

but we had to cut that off

when she was in second grade.

She, um, she bit the piano.

We don't speak.

We have not spoken.

Present the house.

Military turn.

Then I found Sandra.

She's been fine.

She was a little mouthy

at first.

She has a little bit

of an attitude,

but we're working on that,

aren't we?

When I stopped talking,

there was always silence,

and now with Sandra,

sometimes she talks,

and I don't like that.

We didn't win the cook-off,

but I think we did even better

- because one of the products

that Patty came up with

is a vitamin pill

that's just doing great.

Give it back!

And because of

this bundle of joy,

we're not going to have

any more bundles of joy.

I got a vasectomy.

I got snipped.

And the vasectomy wasn't as bad

as I thought it was going to be.

In and out, snip and done.

Is that like

when dogs get neutered?

Yes.

Welcome, everyone, to the blue

earth gay and lesbian center,

uh, also my shop.

I'm trying right now to work up

something called gay day,

and that consists

of gay performers,

gay farm animals for the kids

to come and pet.

So we need to

get those guys in here.

Let the kids rub something gay

and know it's okay to be gay.

I think no one deserved to win

more than Pauline Solfest

except for Sharon Solfest.

Look, I'm glad it's in

the Solfest family,

make no mistake about that,

though it was my destiny

for me to be saying,

"I won the..." You know,

but, um,

it didn't work out that way

because somebody interfered

with my destiny,

and that person was Lars Hagerbakke

and everybody knows that.

No one, no one knew Lars

Hagerbakke was gay, okay?

Nobody knew. He wasn't gay.

You know what, Sharon. You could

argue that it was my destiny

because that's why

all the dominos fell.

- It's all good.

- She's not happy about it.

And then we started

naughty nibbles,

which is an erotic cake bakery.

- Hang on, sexy sisters'

- sexy sisters' naughty nibbles,

- naughty nibbles.

- Right.

Because if there is one thing

that I have learned

from winning

this million dollars,

it's that I am one sexy gal.

She's sexy.

We were in Peepa magazine.

We were so sexy in that spread.

I'm here to tell you what,

we were the sexy sisters.

- That's not bragging.

- That's not bragging.

- That's no brag, just fact is what that is.

- We're speaking the truth.

So it's been six months

and I've moved to blue earth

to be with Pauline

and it is going great.

And my career has taken off.

I've really taken it in

a totally different direction.

Um, now I am

Mr. cookie head man,

and you can see my face,

which is what after being in

that muffin costume for so long,

what I realized

is a lot of acting

has to do with seeing your face.

It's just a lot more fun.

That's seen some good times.

- Wild times.

- It's been...

Febreezed a couple of times.

- I love her.

- I love you.

I love you.

- She's my sister.

- And you know what?

She stood by me

in my darkest hour.

- I'll never forget that.

- Always.

And I am grateful.

I expected to be the one

that has to sleep in the,

you know, the thing.

But I'll do it.

This is supposed to be

our romantic getaway

- and so it's probably better that we...

- there's the problem,

the r word, the romance.

For what I feel for you,

I do not want to be

in that bed with you

with your sister in the room.

- Why? -I would make love to

you so vigorously and fast

that that would be

embarrassing for me.

Well, that would be

embarrassing.

Because honey,

if I'm on this bed with you,

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