Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #2

Yeah.

And I'm her eldest son,

Thaddeus Briggs.

- Yes, Thaddeus. This is my son.

- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.

- That's right.

- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.

But only is he a reverend,

he's also...

Um, what's the other thing

you do?

- I'm a lawyer, mama.

- A minister and a lawyer.

You're looking at the winner.

The million-dollar baby

right here.

- Mom?

- Yes, baby?

Check this out.

Check out my pivot foot.

It don't move.

- That's my favorite.

- Thank you, Leigh.

Maybe after we do this,

you can...

The people can get you

doing that on camera.

Oh yeah, that would be

good outside.

That'd be good.

Markus, Markus, go around front

and get them prophylactics

- mama bought you now.

- All right, mama.

What's in my biscuit

is meltameeta with...

It is a cheese and sausage

flavor product,

but now it ain't got

no real cheese

or no real sausage

up in there though.

No, that's because for people

that are allergenic

to those things.

And I have a wonderful scooter.

I had the carpel tunnel

and people don't know

that carpel tunnel travels.

Tell them, Thaddeus.

It traveled to my legs

and made them weak.

There!

Anything else you want to know?

You know what? We can...

How many kidney stones I've passed?

Huh?

Why my right boobie is a little

bit higher than the left?

I just got upset.

These people's all up in my -

- I know, it's all right.

- It's too many cameras.

It's too many white people.

I can't take it, Thaddeus.

They're going to meet

the celebrity guest judges.

They're going to hear the rules.

And then of course,

my favorite part,

the lighting

of the ceremonial oven,

which is just like the Olympics.

It's that kind of "haa"

you know, kind of moment.

When I go "haa," I mean,

like crowds cheering.

That sounded weird.

The pioneer days are coming up.

Will and I are going

as rootin' tootin' cowboys.

Being a mother

is the hardest job ever.

- It's very rewarding, but... -the only

thing probably harder is selling insurance.

I don't know if you're familiar

with the insurance game,

but it is brutal.

I wasn't in Vietnam,

I was too young,

but it's just like that.

It's nuts.

Half the time, I'm selling,

half the time I'm explaining it

to my own staff.

- It's... ugh.

- No. Yeah, nine to five.

I'm a finalist.

It's called a

multi-layered anti-oxidant

rainbow gelatin Dee-light.

It's science and

it's also nutrition.

- Well-

- if we win the cook off,

oh my gosh, a million bucks.

Well, I'm planning on taking

a spa weekend just for myself.

You know, I mean, just me time.

I mean, I'd like

some me time too.

But, um, I'm too busy

earning a living.

- There's more good news?

- Yes, I'm pregnant.

Oh, hey.

She's talked about,

"why don't you get a vasectomy?"

And I'm like, "uh, because

it's a part of my body

that I care a lot about and I'm

not going to take a knife to it."

All of our kids,

if you can believe this,

all of them were born...

I was fully on contraception.

I mean, to be very honest,

I'm scared to sleep in

the same bed with him anymore.

- Just when I look at him

- "do-do, do-do, do-do..."

This is what we call

the ring of fire.

These ovens are used

for the very last stage

of the competition,

and this is only

for the seven finalists.

This is the official

Van Rookle farm Jumbotron.

Basically what'll happen is that

Morty Van Rookle, it's so sad,

he... this is the first time

in 40 years he can't be here

because he had

quadruple bypass surgery,

but he'll be watching us

from the Jumbotron.

Remember, I can see you

from here, okay?

It's almost as if you're

in bed here with me.

- It's so great.

- Morty Van Rookle III is,

um, he's kind of like

a father figure to me

in that I don't talk to

my real dad anymore at all.

I am owner/creator of

dougherty and daughter realty,

and I actually won.

Not only was I a finalist,

but I won

the entire contest

just some years ago, and now...

- Twenty-four years ago.

- It really wasn't 24 years ago.

- Please. Darling, I'm talking.

- Sorry.

And we are excited because she's

going to continue the legacy.

We have dough in the name.

- I'm sorry? -Dougherty.

Dough is in the name.

Oh, that's cute.

My recipe is a luscious

lemon-lime crumble pie.

If I were to win

a million dollars,

I might give some of the money

to my mother.

- Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Well, you know,

for your retirement.

I plan to donate proceeds

to our charity,

yachting for tomorrow.

I don't think that's wise, dear.

I would donate probably

about 50 percent.

No, I think that's...

We'll talk about it.

- We'll talk about it later.

- Right, but some of the proceeds

would go to

yachting for tomorrow.

It all began

when I won the cook off

and I used most of that money

to start yachting for tomorrow

to save at risk youth.

I want to get

a couple of pictures of you

for my little photo album.

One of the goals for me today

was to teach some of these

gang members,

um, lessons on grooming.

Your pants are falling down,

sweetheart.

I can see your butt.

There actually aren't

any in Connecticut,

- so we bus them in from New Jersey.

- New Jersey.

Honey, I can't see your eyes.

Say, "jizzle jizzle."

Now everybody say,

"get jiggy with me."

For many of them,

they've never even seen water,

and so we like to

just sort of have them

experience many things

that they may never do again.

One, two, three, cheese.

Sharon, Pauline,

we're so happy you're here.

What are you going to do

with the money if you win?

That's what we want to know.

You know that.

First off, I'm going to

buy cars for all my friends.

You know who you are.

- That's me!

- And then I'll probably,

I'm going to be buying a house

in Malibu and a private jet

and then I'll probably get

an apartment in New York,

and then we might... we might get

a second home in Chippewa falls.

See if you have money,

money makes money

- so you can spend all the money you want.

- Go! Go! Go!

You know, i... to me,

I just wanted to go

so I can watch her win.

But if I won,

I'd buy her whatever she wants

for her wedding

for her and Lars.

That's very blue earth!

From Los Angeles,

this is Christine Merriweather

live from the Van Rookle farms

cook-off.

The arrival day's beginning.

The tension's beginning to mount

and people are excited.

All kinds of wonderful things

are going to happen here

and I'm going to bring it to

you live from the nosh network.

Ooh, hoo-hoo.

Uh, don't adjust the head too

much because it's not a mask,

- it's your head.

- No reason to be

adjusting your head, you know.

- And you are?

- I'm Richard Pasternack.

This is my wife, Patty.

Patty, hi.

Oh my gosh, you've got quite...

Oh my gosh, you do have a load.

Oh, there he is. There he is.

Move. Move. Go, go, go.

Aww.

Okay, bye.

Hi, welcome to la Casa Merado,

home of the Van Rookle farms

cook-off.

Sharon Solfest,

this is Pauline Solfest.

- Lars Hagerbakke.

- Pauline Solfest,

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