Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #3

I'm in the vegetable category

in the cook-off.

Okay, that's one.

I've got one standard

for Sharon Pauline Solfest.

No, it's Sharon and Pauline.

It's two rooms.

We're engaged.

It'll be a little alone time

for us,

- so it's a little romantic getaway.

- Actually,

we were thinking

of actually possibly,

possibly making love on this.

But I will tell you what.

If this hotel only has one room,

we will work with that.

The decision to remain chaste

until we're married

was definitely my idea.

I mean, I think it's wise

to get to know somebody

really on the outside

before I go,

you know, just rooting around

on the inside.

Where do you want Lars

to set up your bed?

- No, no.

- -Over there.

No, I'll take the bed.

- I'll take the rollaway bed.

- Oh honey, that's crazy.

I don't mind sleeping

in the rollaway.

There is no way, as a gentleman,

I am going to climb in bed

with you

with what I want to do to you

in front of your sister.

So I had better,

for everybody's safety,

I better just take

the rollaway bed.

We can put the Bible

between you.

Do you remember the story of the

little boy and the soecker kaka?

Yeah. He loves this story.

He tells it all the time.

Well, it's a good story and it's

right for our relationship.

He was mixing the eggs and the

little boy tries to eat them.

"No, wait." Flour,

he tries to eat.

- "No, wait." The sugar.

- "No, wait." "No, wait."

"No, wait." "No, wait."

"Wait until the soecker kaka

is ready."

And I want to wait

in our relationship

'til that soecker kaka is ready.

Well, I am willing to wait

for the soecker kaka

if you are willing to wait

for the soecker kaka.

I have to wait.

Wee, muffin... aah!

There he is, muffin man!

Just like on TV.

- Now, Mr. Swazy...

- Sweezy.

That's what I said.

Got the muffin man here.

Ladybug Briggs's biscuits

are going to be the thing.

- They gonna win.

- Well...

We gonna have the first

African American winner

of Van Rookle cook-off.

Be very nice.

Of course, we don't know.

We know it's going to happen,

but...

I'm a man of the cloth.

I speak to a higher power,

you know what I'm saying?

- I know.

- Well...

Just a little snuggling,

a little, like, leading up into

what our marriage is going to be.

We haven't ever even

been in a bed together.

Do you know back in college,

they called me full throttle,

and that's for one reason only.

I don't have a medium.

I don't have a low gear.

I can't imagine being this close

to you, lying down...

- Yeah.

- Without going f-u-l-l throttle.

Don't get me wrong,

I would love,

at this very moment,

to just rip her open like

a Christmas package,

but I can't do that.

- Oh, listen to you.

- I've promised myself

that I'm going to stay chaste.

I mean, I want this lady,

um... every day,

uh... all day.

- But I have...

- And at night.

- And at night. At night.

- Every day and all night.

But I have to literally

hold myself back

from just destroying everything

I've worked for.

Would it be weird to anyone

if I took the sheet off of here

and hung it

between the two beds?

I'm not supposed to

take off my head.

Is that right? Is that a rule?

I guess I just broke that rule,

but to be on TV,

that seemed like a good reason.

This is the muffin man

and muffin man is our beloved

mascot who wears a mask.

Put it on.

So yeah. I'm sorry,

so muffin man can't speak.

Muffin man's a muffin.

We don't talk to muffin man.

We just... you can press

muffin man's belly

and he'll giggle,

and he's delicious.

So...

Cassandra, you're a contestant.

That's very exciting.

Your hair is very pretty.

To be a great chef, as I am,

you need that passion.

You need that innate,

instinctive skill,

and I have that.

That's in my bones.

That's in my DNA,

and unfortunately,

Cassandra shares DNA

with my ex-husband.

- I lack passion.

- She sure does.

- I'm more like my father.

- You know, he did have

one passionate little muscle

in there somewhere

for the nanny, and he took off

with that little nanny,

and now we realize

we don't need men.

Men leave. Men leave. That's

what mom always taught me.

- Men leave.

- Men leave.

Men leave. They leave.

Are you a contestant with

the Van Rookle farms cook-off?

I have been in the past.

Oh, really? Tell me about that.

Well, my name is Daneel Kuhar,

which I'm sure I probably

didn't have to tell you,

because I was in the competition

three times

and then after you do it

three times,

you're no longer permitted

to do it.

- Three times and you're out.

- No.

Well, three times and then

you're the past dazzler, so...

Past dazzler. The past dazzler.

Right.

I pulled out all the

stops at the Idaho spudtacular

because there was a woman

there, Daneel Kuhar.

She's not a good person,

and so it was...

It became important to us

to win the spudtacular.

She set the potato salad aflame.

Which is, you know,

harder to do than you think.

It is not that easy to set

a potato salad on fire.

Wore this wonderful American

bikini with yellow ribbons,

welcoming the troops back

to the bosom of America.

S-h-a-r-o-n.

S-h-a-r-o-n.

- S-h-a-r-o-n.

- Yeah.

She's going to win the cook-off.

Um, I'm here to support my

sweetheart, the love of my life.

His name's Del Crawford.

He's going to win

with his

coco-nutty dream bars,

Del's coco-nutty dream bars.

You're going to cook

this damn thing,

you're going to win us

a million dollars

and that's all there is to it,

and then Sharon Solfest

can just suck it.

- Did I contribute to his recipe?

- True.

No, I wouldn't even go near

the kitchen when he was baking.

- I stay away.

- No, that's part of the rules.

And is it a really big check?

- I mean, the size of it.

- Oh yeah, it's a big ol' check.

It's one of those

big, crazy checks.

- They give it to you.

- That's good.

Yeah, you get to stand

on a podium,

you get a lot

of confetti thrown at you.

You get to have your day

in the sun.

Some of us will

never get to have that.

I just want the big check.

I don't want the confetti.

It's going to take the world

by storm,

this recipe

that he came up with.

Wow, a love story at the

Van Rookle farms cook-off.

There's nothing

better than that, is there?

- In a brew-haha.

- Hi, how are you?

- Not since the spudtacular, oh my gosh.

- I know.

- I just keep pouring. -That

might be a little much.

He is in the competition.

He's my honey and I'm here

to support him.

That's so great.

What are you making?

I'm doing a chocolate something.

And what's it called?

- It's... -You don't know

the name of your... oh.

I'm thinking for a second.

Let's just talk real.

That's not her boyfriend.

- What are you saying?

- I'm going to tell you what's going on.

They're cheating.

- You don't know they are.

- What'd you say?

They're cheating, because

you think that guy cooks?

He doesn't even know

the name of his recipe.

How do you come up with recipes?

I mean,

where's the inspiration from?

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