Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #4

The million dollars.

It's like he's her puppet.

Like she makes the...

And then he, like, yeah.

- Yeah, like that. -In his defense,

I did once hear seriously

that Hitler made crme brulee.

So...

Markus Thelonious monk Briggs.

Wow, I'm Cassandra dougherty.

Really? Kiss-Sandra?

Well, I guess I will.

Are you a contestant?

No, my mama's in the contest,

but, um, so I have

a lot of down time,

if you know what I mean.

I'm in room 218.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, that's lovely.

We're actually in room 598.

Oh, nice. Fifth floor.

Fifth floor. All right.

- No... hi, my name

- hi.

- Is Victoria dougherty.

- This is my mother.

- Nice to meet you. -Sweetheart,

can I get more gumbo?

Would you get me some? Oh.

- It's okay. -Could i... go

get me some more gumbo?

- I'm really, really hungry. Thank you.

- Fifth floor. Fifth floor.

Very nice meeting you.

Yeah, it'll be even nicer

meeting me later. Ha ha.

Go get me some gumbo,

sweetheart.

I just want to warn

you, she has a mental illness,

obsessive attachment

syndrome, OAS.

- Attachment? -Yes, and what

happens... yes, attachment.

That's sort of like my,

that's like my Kryptonite

for somebody like me.

Now tell me something,

what's your name?

My name-my name is,

uh, Victoria.

Well, Victoria, you too,

I can see that

the apple didn't fall

far from the tree.

- Could you not? -He likes

to be with a celebrity.

She's a celebrity and although

I'd never heard of her,

a lot of people had.

Um... she keeps telling me.

One favor, don't get drunk.

Too late.

- Daneel Kuhar.

- Oh, Daneel.

Daneel, you know me.

- No.

- Daneel Kuhar.

- Daneel, Nancy.

- You know me, Nancy.

No, I have no idea.

Why don't you take my plate

over to that table over there

- and maybe...

- I don't have enough hands.

That's all right, honey,

you can do this.

That's it.

Save us a table.

She's a little ill and

she'll just grab onto you

and she'll never let you go.

She's probably naming

your children already.

Oh, look at that.

It's a little bit over the top.

That's it, sweetheart.

Have you met

any important people?

All I'm finding are these

cooking ladies, no offense.

I met one real cute girl,

but she was crazy,

but I think me and her mama

might hook up.

- So I don't know.

- I just want...

Is she a contestant? Don't do nothing

that's going to disqualify mother,

because that's a million dollars

riding on that.

What you got down here ain't

worth no million dollars.

Nice to meet you. I'm here

with the chow channel.

I have to look at

my own microphone

because we just switched

the name of the network.

- What was it called before?

- Munchy time.

Oh, this is

a much better name then.

Ruckle. Van Ruckle, okay.

All right, I got it.

I got it. It's a very

hard name to remember.

- Contestant... -So the rules

for Van Rookle cook-off

are pretty much simple.

Excuse me, let's move over here.

I want to introduce

our celebrity,

master of ceremonies,

Mr. Gavin McCloud.

Welcome aboard,

ladies and gentlemen.

They have acquired

Gavin McCloud,

as you can see,

is the MC for the event.

All right, all right,

that's so sweet of you.

Thank you very much. You make me

think I'm back on the love boat.

It's my great pleasure

now to introduce to all of you

the entrance of contestants.

And what's going to happen

now is all the contestants

are entering the stadium now.

Jericho and moonlight

are singing their way

into the stadium.

This gentleman here

is taking a picture.

Look at that.

People are getting very happy

and, uh, you can feel, uh...

It turns into an exciting event.

An amazing assortments

of contestants here,

one pregnant woman.

There's a disabled woman here,

and look at them all

in their Van Rookle aprons.

They all look

so absolutely adorable.

It is my great pleasure to

present to you our three judges.

Our first judge is a

distinguished journalist

from New York City.

- Say hello to David lord.

I am a student editor

of the magazine gourmet tongue,

a very... probably these folks

would never have heard of it.

It's a very upscale,

refined magazine

for the very refined pallet. I've

got extremely refined taste buds.

I've been chosen

one of the top three buds

in Manhattan last three years

in New York magazine.

I should probably

have them insured.

Our next judge probably needs

no introduction.

You remember her

from the Bob Newhart show.

He was the secretary on the

- Mary Tyler Moore show.

And on the original

Bob Newhart show

and she played the secretary

out in the hallway.

Well, you know, i... this isn't my first

time with an unusual Van Rookle,

because I was the spokesperson for

the prune growers of America.

You know, after you've had to

eat pounds of prunes,

-this has got to be tastier.]

And last but

certainly not least,

he is the president of

Federated grocery stores.

I want you to say hello

to Mike Sweezy.

I really like this process.

I like to meet

the new cooks coming up,

and we have a club card,

which is an excellent deal.

- Mm-hmm. Explain the club card.

- And...

- Well, you get a discount.

- Okay.

And here is a special message

from the president of

Van Rookle farms,

the beloved and adored,

Morty Van Rookle III.

- -Hey, welcome...

I love you.

I love you, Morty.

To Van Rookle farm's million

dollar cook-off.

- Yeah.

One million dollars of my money.

Yeah, let's see some hands.

Come on, put them up there.

That's right, good.

Wave, honey.

Wave at the camera.

Wave. Good, that's good.

Thank you. Thank you, Morty, and

your beloved beautiful missus.

I have a feeling it's going

to be a great weekend

- to be a bulimic.

Are you serious

or are you joking around?

Jericho and moonlight.

I'm not trying to be a...

It's a cook-off.

No, I know but

I do need it from...

Jesus Christ.

Did you hear what she just said?

She asked me if she could

borrow the battery,

I'm not even joking around,

to our camera.

I'm a judgmental person, so

I'm the right man for the job.

So I'm going to have

a lot of opinions,

I speak my mind, and, um...

I am a little hungover, so that's

not going to be easy on people

but I think it makes my opinions

a little sharper.

Are those real women?

Right now, we're going to watch the

lighting of the ceremonial stove.

I'm just curious, Tim.

Was this your idea?

- Yeah.

- How did I know?

Let the flour fly!

That's... I'm so sorry. I'm so

sorry. I'm in the way here.

The competition is like a

battlefield in here, which I love.

Oh, look at this.

They're coming in here.

They're taking their stances.

Genuinely starting to

feel the excitement

and we'll meet some of these people.

Say hi to them real quick.

They're thinking about

what they're doing.

They're trying to

get their packaging open.

They're trying to

get their jars open.

They're trying to

get their cans open.

They're trying to

cut their lemons.

They're trying to

prepare the ingredients

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