Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #5

that might make them the big

million dollar winner here.

I'll tell you what, I'm getting

caught up in the excitement.

Seventy-five

pounds of margarine,

150 pounds

of refrigerator biscuits,

57 ovens all for the

one million dollar prize.

As a matter of fact, we will be

the first African American people

to ever win the

Van Rookle farms cook-off.

Never once. I mean, all the black

people in the world that cook,

- and not one of them has won.

The chances of her not winning

the cook-off,

you have greater chances of me

putting on wooden shoes

right now and dancing until

they burst aflame.

- Yeah. -She's going

to win the cook-off.

Sharon!

What's up, brother?

Hi, how are you? I'm Lars..

- Yeah, my nigga.

- Hi.

- Hello, negro.

- I didn't even see you here.

Yes, I'm here with my fianc.

Who? I don't see no sisters.

No, no, no. She's not a sister.

She's standing right over there.

- Is she white?

- -Yes.

I heard them white women

is crazy in the bedroom.

- Excuse me?

- What?

Once we do make very sweet

and slow love,

I'm sure it will be

a wild experience.

You ain't tasted

that cracker yet?

Pardon me?

You ain't tasted

all that cracker yet?

My brother is a preacher

and he get

more drawers than anybody.

You don't need to be telling...

Well, I truly believe you

keep the candy in the jar

until it's time to eat it, okay?

- Why would you do that?

- Her candy is in her jar, okay?

We are authorized to

use force at this time.

The competition

has already begun.

Miss, miss, miss.

They're going to have to... oh

sh*t, I gotta go. Sorry, ma'am.

At this time, don't make me get

you in a chokehold, lady.

I am not... this is the wrong

day, you understand me?!

Whoa, excuse me,

everything's okay.

Can I help you?

I'm Amber and I'm here

and I've been chosen

and I want to get in there

and cook. I'm sorry.

- Oh, we're a little late.

- Well, that's all right.

Yeah, disqualified.

- No.

- Yeah.

- Actually no, I'm not.

- You're disqualified.

- You're disqualified.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Okay, we're all disqualified.

I'm not going to win

a million dollars.

Hi, blue earth.

Hi, golden minutes

senior day care.

Hello. It's Pauline.

It's Pauline.

You remember Pauline?

Because I didn't

tell her. She told me nothing.

Really.

I feel angry that she didn't...

Just because you...

Because I could have helped you,

that was all.

I just was a little...

It's a vegetable dish,

it is cream corn

for the lactose intolerant,

it's a good idea.

It's not like

she's going to win, you know.

I actually know that

it's my destiny to win

because I had a vision

that I would win the

Van Rookle's farm cook-off.

- So that's something we both know.

- Right.

The pope is the example

I always give.

I think the pope is

the kind of guy to be like,

"you know,

I'm probably not going to be

an insurance salesman,

I'm probably going to be,

like, the pope or something,"

you know.

So that's what happened to me

is I just knew that this is

what's going to happen.

No, I'm sorry,

you're late for the...

- I mean, I can show you in the rulebook.

- I'm aware we're late.

We've been driving

for two weeks.

No, no... any con...

- No, no, no!

- Sorry, sorry.

Miss, miss, miss.

Sir, can I ask you

to ask your lady to give us

the tag number?

- Don't call her a lady.

- I'm sorry.

Do you have to start and end

every conversation

by saying that I'm not going to

win the cook-off?

- Pauline.

- Whoa, sorry, sorry.

Only contestants allowed

on the competition floor.

- I'm sorry, what is your name?

- I'm Amber and I'm here.

- Oh, Amber strain.

- Yes.

Well, I am so sorry, but you...

It's okay. It's been rude,

but it's okay.

Oh, it's been terrible. I am so

sorry, but you are disqualified.

No, I'm actually not.

Don't do that.

Get that giant off me.

Sorry, unless there's

a force of majeure,

as it says,

you can't come in here.

- I don't have one of those.

- Force majeure.

I don't have one of those.

We do have that.

We have a force majeure.

No, no. Unless there is

a force of majeure...

We've been driving

all the way from Pittsburgh.

- They said...

- This is not force of majeure.

And if you're...

I'm speaking right now.

I'm speaking.

If you are tardy,

you're disqualified.

Would you please tell me

what it was that kept you

from getting here on time?

We picked up a man

in drawstring pants,

which I'd like to say

is not a good idea.

He took his pants off.

There was an incident

at a gas station

and I did not

put my fingers anywhere,

and next thing I know

we're in trouble

and we're walking.

She didn't put

her fingers anywhere

and that's what

we want to remember.

- I didn't do anything!

- I'm American.

This is part of the drama

of a cook-off.

Let her in! Let her in!

Let her in! Let her in!

Something very interesting is happening

here where people are advocating

for the late couple here.

My name is Amber

and I want to cook!

- Let her in! Let her in! -Absolutely,

it's... terrific, let's let her in.

Reminder, she only has...

35 minutes to finish a recipe.

- Where do I go? Where do I go?

- Number sixteen.

This is just

an amazing story here.

These people, from what I understand,

have been living out of a car,

doing everything they can to

get here to this competition

in hopes of winning

a million dollars.

Where is he? Where's my honey?

Where is he?

He usually opens all the cans.

I have a little arthritis.

And now she's going to do her

best and this is very dramatic,

- let's keep an eye on her.

- I need my can opener.

We had picked up a man

somewhere in Iowa

and one thing that we turned

around to back up the Van,

he did not have pants on.

It was...

I did not know what to do.

Obviously we got to

a gas station

and next thing I'm in trouble

because he doesn't

have pants on.

I don't know him.

Because a lot of people

have been talking about you.

Then I will have you to know

that I'm going to go down

in history

right along the sides

of aunt Jemima

and Mrs. Butterworth's.

See, those are two black women,

colored gals if you will,

um, who have made their mark

in the cooking world.

Now a lot of people don't know that Mrs.

Butterworth's is black.

Well, when you fill up

the bottle with the syrup,

there's no denying that she's black.

You see what I mean?

What...

What are you doing?

Get up.

Get it on, put it on.

Good gracious.

- I'm taking a break.

- Oh, my god! This is like...

- No cameras, no cameras.

- Get up! Help him up.

- The muffin man...

- No cameras.

Outrageous.

The glove.

I did not like that guy

at the door.

- Well, I think he did his best.

- Over there, I don't like him.

I think he did his best.

Muffin man does three things.

He waves, he giggles

and he hugs contestants

who are pleased...

Oh god. Not me!

- These are blueberry.

- - Some of the dishes I can see with my eyes.

I don't need to taste that.

I don't even know

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