Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #6

if I can smell it.

I don't even know

if I can get near it.

Just by looking at it,

you lose, you lose,

you, um,

should be arrested for that.

We were just being nice.

So the point is don't...

If someone

has a drawstring pant on

and they want a ride,

I guess don't pick them up.

That's what I'm trying

to tell America.

Here in America,

do not pick up a person

with drawstring pants.

They come off so easy.

It's like being on safari

but the car is open

and the animals

are coming at you

and they're serving you their young.

It's what it's like,

but their young are slathered

with butter, cinnamon

and sorts of...

Like, cheese/meat byproducts.

I see she's hurting and

I don't want to

get in the middle of the story,

but we are going to

stick with you

- if that's all right, Amber.

- That's okay.

That's okay.

Do you do your own hair?

- It's so nice.

- Well, thank you.

- Do you do your own hair?

- I do. I do.

- What's going on?

- My sister...

My sister is marrying

a homosexual.

Did you say homosexual?

Well, how do you know?

He's over there.

Sharon!

It makes me upset and

I want you to talk to her,

and I know that you happen

to know a lot about love

and I need you to help me

because I just don't...

Well, I just have to tell you

I'm really not

a relationship counselor.

- Oh, captain.

- Really, I'm not even a captain.

Tell us what you're making.

I am making a sweet potato,

which is technically a

vegetable, and I layer it.

I put sweet potatoes,

condensed milk,

marshmallows, baby marshmallows.

I find that if you use

the big marshmallows,

they just don't,

they don't melt up,

- and then some chocolate right on top.

- Chocolate?

You know I can't talk and bake

at the same time, okay?

No one knows... no one ever thinks

this is coming, but I do this.

Just...

Nobody knows that.

I would have never thought

to do that.

- It's nice. It's fresh.

- It's very original.

So I know you want me

to do well,

so, um, I've got to

say goodbye, okay?

- No, no, no, no! -And then do you

just cook it over the stovetop?

I just mash the sh*t out of it.

Do I feel like

I've pushed Cassi too hard?

Absolutely not.

She needs every push, every jab,

- every kick I can give her.

- I need it. I need it.

- She needs it. -I've made

this with a Bunsen burner.

I have made this, oh, I made it

with a cigarette lighter

in much smaller amounts,

but it really does work.

- Yeah, sure. -And not unlike,

have you seen the shows on TV

where the really fat people

have to lose the weight

and so they sweat and they sweat

and they cry and they cry,

and it's like, "I can't go

anymore, can't go anymore"

and their coaches just say, "yes you

can, do it, do it, do it, you're fat."

You are pretty, you are smart.

Keep saying that.

- Mommy thinks I'm pretty. Mommy thinks I'm smart.

- You don't have to be pretty

to win a cook-off competition.

- It sure helps. -You just

need to have a good recipe.

And you think mommy won...

Mommy made nice

with the judges, dear.

Would you like some? There's raw

eggs, but they're probably fresh.

Thank you, I'd love to taste

some when it's done.

If you can just remember,

when a judge walks by,

just sort of wiggle your hip.

Always works for mom.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Okay, bye.

That was very rude.

- That was

- use more marshmallows.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Are you allowed on this floor?

Sir, you're going to

need to sit back.

He's okay.

He's okay. He's okay.

Very strict here about

letting people on the floor.

I said back it up, hot shot!

Can't you hear me?!

Let...

Don't spill his coffee!

Your sister seems to think that,

you know,

I have a little knowledge

regarding relationships

because I was a captain

on a television show.

Well, you're the captain

of the love boat.

No, but I want to confess.

I'm as dumb as the next guy.

Oh, you're too modest.

I just want to

tell you something.

You know, uh...

You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make him drink.

Now maybe your fianc

doesn't like to drink water.

Oh, he loves water.

I don't... I need

a can opener that works.

Ma'am, I'm just trying to

keep everything...

My mom had always made this dish

when I was growing up,

and I can't find her anymore

and I don't...

About six months ago, she left,

just for a little walk

and we haven't seen her

in six, seven months,

six or seven months.

So I'd be awfully curious

to know where she is.

I really need a can opener

that works.

Do you have a can opener

that works?

Good luck.

I don't mean that.

The love of my life is cooking.

It's just very emotional.

Oh, are you nervous?

I'm very nervous.

I'm very nervous.

Have I had any influence

on Del's cooking or baking?

No, absolutely none.

He's the one who teaches me.

Have you ever heard of

the phrase idiot savant?

That's him.

What the hell are you saying?

We're really here, aren't we?

We're really doing it.

Honey, I'm doing it!

Yeah! Yeah!

It's really good, too.

It's really good.

All right, nice meeting you,

my man.

I'll be looking for you.

That shouldn't hurt.

That should not hurt.

Okay.

Pleasure to meet you.

Peace. Peace.

Peace, two fingers.

Holla! Holla!

- What's up? -I just need you

to keep it down in this area.

Oh, three black people together

is too much for you.

My Swahili brother over there,

oh, that's too much Africa

up in the house.

I don't know if you think

you're a chef or not,

but that's really looking

about where it should be.

I'm cooking, honey!

- Cook it though.

- I'm cooking it.

- What?

- Baby, you want a taste?

Yeah.

- You want a taste?

- Oh wait, oh wait.

Okay. Not yet.

Not yet. It's not done yet.

- Cook it.

- It's hotter than I thought.

Pauline.

Pauline.

Why did you tell captain Stubing

about my relationship with Lars?

- What's going on with that? -I said,

"my sister's getting married."

That's all I said.

I said... you know?

I'm sorry, I'm going to

have to ask you

to take a breather outside.

Ah!

Don't put your hands on me.

- Okay...

- That's assault and batter.

And I like to put

a little of these

just on the top of it

because it looks good.

Basically, I spread them out

with my hands... it's fine,

once everything cooks,

they're not that clean

but it really cooks up nice.

You all have got to get along

or my pressure's going to go up.

I would like to offer both

of you a 50-cent coupon,

50 cents off anything...

- Oh, thank you.

- That is for you.

Thank you, my man.

My man.

- My man. -It is a pleasure

to have you here.

Timothy whims!

- Yeah, honey?

- Are you using coconut milk?

I'm putting...

I don't have coconut milk.

- No, I'm putting in evaporated milk.

- What?

I'm putting in evaporated milk.

Evaporated milk?

I've just noticed

that there's a little tension

between the two of you.

Is that totally the competition?

My sister is, you know,

less than zero chance of winning

because there's actually never

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