Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #8

tonight's the night.

I think...

I think we should...

- Do it.

- Do it?

We should do it.

- Tonight?

- Tonight.

But Pauline's in the room...

No, she's got that muffin guy.

She's not going to

come back for hours.

- Let's just do it.

- Do it.

Let's really just do it

and do it fast and good.

Do it fast and good.

Okay, I'm so glad,

give me a kiss.

Mmm.

You're hot.

Yeah, I'm in room 598.

- I like that shirt.

- Oh, thank you.

I made it at a two day sewing

event back in blue earth.

- You sew?

- Yeah, I do a lot of sewing.

Pattern work,

mostly pattern work.

I sew.

You are lying.

Electric cut on a bias.

You honestly sew?

Well, let me reintroduce myself.

- Lars.

- Yeah, Del.

That is wonderful.

That's wonderful.

You don't figure everybody's

into it, but you are.

- Well...

- Very nice.

Oh god, forgive me,

I am not myself right now.

I have been put under pressure,

so to speak, to perform.

To do something I have not

really ever done

and I don't feel comfortable

at a-l-l.

I've never danced

this way before.

Perfect.

Can you break it up? Sorry, excuse

me, I'm so sorry about that.

It's just that muffin man,

he's being a little

inappropriate.

Oh no, it's okay,

it was consensual

because I had asked him

to dance.

Okay, you know what?

If muffin man is free

to dance all he wants,

as long as

it's the muffin man dance,

the muffin man dance.

Let's see it.

Give me the muffin man dance.

There we go. There we go.

Okay, no hips together.

No...

I was having fun.

You are not

being paid to have fun.

You know, you are dressed

perfectly for a place

I think you would really like.

- Really? -Yeah, it's a

bar/club kind of thing.

Lots of good people there.

Is it going on now?

Oh, yeah, dancing, having fun.

- Better music than this.

- Okay, let's, um...

- Let's go.

- Yeah?

Yes, let's go anywhere

except here.

How did you...

You didn't make that?

- No.

- The banana.

- We've got to go in. Go, go, go.

- All right.

- I want to get you something.

- Fine, thank you.

- I'll be right back.

- I'll just look at the dcor.

Look at the dcor.

Really...

- The banana swings.

- Imagine that.

That is funny, isn't it?

A bar like this called bananas.

I know you.

- Really?

- David lord, hi.

- Hi.

- My name is Lars Hagerbakke.

Sharon Solfest is my fianc.

- And she's in the thing?

- We are getting married

a little sooner

than I feel comfortable,

but yet we are getting married.

You're in a bar called bananas.

If I were speaking to my sister,

Pauline,

I would say it's 4:30

and I'm wondering

where's my fianc.

Where is he?

- Where is he? -If I were

speaking to my sister, Sharon,

I'd say, "Sharon, shut up

and quit talking to me

- so I can go to sleep."

- You don't care.

Lars is probably in a ditch

but it doesn't

really matter to you.

Sharon, he doesn't have a car.

You are not living up

to the words of our song.

Did you ever show

that you're my shero?

You are not everything

I would like...

You are not everything

that I would like to be.

I cannot fly higher

than an eagle

because you sit on my wings.

Zip it.

Oh, zip it.

Oh, that's nice.

Just work on your speech.

I'm going to put that

in the speech.

"I want to thank my sister..."

Make sure it goes on for

at least half an hour,

because everyone's interested.

I know it's been said before,

but I think

I might just

say the whole, you know,

"you like me,

you really like me."

Dear lord, help Sharon

to have peace in her heart

and to quit flapping her gums.

Dearest lord in heaven,

will you please

help Pauline to, like,

get back to her old personality

and how she used to be before

she got so big headed?

Stuff her ponytail in her mouth.

You think Jesus gets involved

with stuff like that?

Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!

They're nothing new.

They are just men, okay.

They are nothing

but just men dancing.

You don't come to a bar

called bananas for ladies.

This is, um...

- Okay.

- Hey, I got you this.

Hey. We are, by the way,

we are in a gay bar.

Put that behind your ear.

Let me see that.

You look like Dolores Del Rio.

- You love her, don't you?

- Yeah, I do.

See, that's what I'm saying.

Probably love the Streisand.

I learned my first Streisand

literally before I could speak.

- Right.

- Oh my god.

Probably love Annie get her gun.

Oh god, get me... I need

something to drink.

Get this guy something

with an umbrella in it.

- I have something.

- Okay.

Doesn't that feel good?

- Yeah, it does.

- Sip of freedom, my friend.

Sip the freedom.

Feel the warmth of acceptance.

Let's dance, come on. Come on.

Before we do, may I?

Everyone, my name

is Lars Hagerbakke

and...

I too am a gay.

- Oh, yeah.

My name is Lars Hagerbakke

from blue earth, Minnesota

and I too am a gay.

You're not going to do this

every time, are you?

- What?

- The big speech and everything.

Sharon. Sharon.

I lost my... the key.

How was the ditch?

- How was the ditch?

- I don't get it.

- Were you in a ditch?

- No, I was not at a ditch.

I was at... I was at a bar.

- We... -Well, I hope

you had a good time.

- I had a great time. -We've

been waiting up all night.

- We haven't gotten any sleep.

- I apologize.

I have something that I need

to share with both of you.

We don't even have time

for apologies,

so just know that I forgive you

because I'm a good Lutheran.

- Sharon?

- What?

I'm gay.

I know this is going to come

as a complete surprise

to both of you, but I am gay.

- No.

- Yes.

- No. No.

- Yes.

- No. No.

- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry, no.

Lars, gay is, like,

a choice, okay?

- Gay is, like a perm.

- Sh...

You can get a perm.

You cannot get a perm.

Gay is like slipping on

a comfortable sweater.

If it's a choice to slip on

a comfortable sweater,

yes, I just chose to put on

my very gay sweater

and it feels good.

Remember the story of the boy

and the soecker kaka

where we waited and waited

and waited?

That was sort of a mistake.

Okay, here comes these friends,

my salty old friends.

Here they come.

You waited on...

You waited on something

that's never going to happen.

We really have to go.

Just change, okay?

You know what? I picked out

an outfit for you.

I have to swap out my hair.

This is not my competition hair.

All right, so just get dressed.

Let's go, let's go.

Sharon, I just want you to know

that no matter what happens,

I will seriously be there

for you always.

Yeah, Lars, because you're going

to be my husband,

so you'll be there.

We'll be in the same house.

Sharon, you're...

Kind of in denial.

Lars, do you know

what denial is?

Denial's just a really negative

word for positive thinking.

No, in this case, denial is

you about to try and

marry a homosexual man.

There is a camp.

It's called straight ahead.

It's a place where you go

if you're confused

about you think you're gay.

You do craft projects,

fix your thinking...

Singing and Macram is going to

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