Eight Days a Week

This is more retarded than when I got

that gumball stuck up my nose.

Or the time I wanted to be

the first white Harlem Globetrotter.

And it's more embarrassing

than the time...

...my mom walked in on me while I was

trying to simulate vaginal friction...

...by rubbing my boner between

the mattress and box springs.

Why don't you go out and play.

It's such a beautiful day.

No, this tops it.

And it's all because of Erica.

Erica.

It sounds so much like "erotica. "

And it's fitting:

She's a walking wet dream.

The kind of girl

whose mere glance at you...

...could get your pecker

to stand up and say, "Howdy. "

And not your normal,

run-of-the-mill erection.

We're talking the kind

that could be picked up on radar.

The kind you could hang a flag from.

And her breasts.

They must have tractor beams in them.

They pull my hands toward them

like the Death Star...

...dragging in the Millennium Falcon.

Come on, guys.

If I had breasts like that,

I could have ruled the world.

You are in love with her, no?

No, I'm not.

Then why are you sitting so funny?

Nonno.

Don't be ashamed.

A man is two people:

Himself and his penis.

A man always takes his friend

to the party...

...but of the two,

the friend is nicer...

...because he is more able

to show his feelings.

Does this Erica know

what you think about her?

She's got a boyfriend.

They are not lovers?

- I don't think so.

- That is good.

one pubic hair

between a man and a woman...

...can be stronger

than the Atlantic cable.

You're telling me.

What is your problem with the Bella?

She goes off to college on the East Coast

in three months.

Then you must declare

your love to her immediately.

- Are you crazy?

- You must.

- It is the only way.

- oh, no, no, no.

She'll think I'm a spaz.

Then you prefer to sit funny

the rest of your life?

Now, listen, ragazzo,

I will tell you a story.

It is about your great-great-grandfather...

...Giuseppe Luigi Bendini.

When he was a boy your age,

he was in love...

...with the most beautiful girl

in the village of Cascata.

But the Bella...

...she did not see anything

in Giuseppe.

So one day, Giuseppe,

an enterprising young boy...

...declared his love to her.

He said:

"I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,

love you...

...and to prove that I will

always be there for you...

...I will stand under your balcony

day and night without relent...

...until you fall in love with me. "

So Giuseppe...

...stood outside that balcony

day and night.

Night and day.

Until, finally, his love came

out to the balcony and cried:

"Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, I love you!"

So Giuseppe...

...climbed up to the balcony

and into her bed.

They made love so passionately...

...that the ground shook.

And villagers today still believe...

...that's what caused

the 1874 earthquake.

I can't do that.

You can, my friend.

Women are like breaking into a bank.

It takes nerve.

It takes daring.

Sometimes you need a little bit

of dynamite to blow the vault.

I don't know what it was.

Maybe all the benzoyl peroxide

in my zit cream had affected my brain.

Or maybe I had a strange fetish

for humiliation at the hands of a woman.

I figured this stemmed

from watching too many episodes...

...of Julie Newmar as the Catwoman

in all those Batman reruns.

But it seemed like an audacious idea.

I decided to try it.

Peter, that is so sweet.

I was beginning to think

this might work...

...when she said

the most dreaded two words...

...in the English language.

But, Peter, we're just friends.

"Just friends. "

The words hit me like screaming lead

shot from a.38.

I wanna be...

...just friends.

It's just a flesh wound, my friend.

It will not kill you.

Get back up and fight.

I'm not gonna give up so easily.

But, Peter...

I was rudely interrupted

by Erica's boyfriend, Nick.

He's what I call a "gaping a**hole. "

You know, the type of guy that's

going to college on a football scholarship.

But what bothers me most

is he's one of those macho d*cks...

...who's always grabbing his crotch

and adjusting his balls.

I mean, what's the deal?

He acts like he's a guard

at the Tower of London.

He's gotta check every 10 seconds

to see if the crown jewels are still there.

And how come every a**hole I know

has to make that noise?

You can hear a symphony of those

in any boys' locker room.

Is it like a lion roaring?

The a**hole who can hawk

a loogie the loudest...

...is the leader of the herd?

Needless to say, Nick has been

my nemesis since I was 5.

- I forbid you to go out dressed like that.

- Dad.

No self-respecting Christian girl

would be seen in public in a...

Just get in the house.

Get in the house.

Erica. Erica. Erica!

Erica looked more doable than

Barbara Feldon in Get Smart.

Erica! Get your...

She kissed Nick so hard, I'm sure they

could've swallowed each others uvulas.

Erica, if you...

What the hell's his story?

She then proceeded to tell Nick

what I was up to.

And if things weren't hard enough,

I encountered more unexpected problems.

Well, our prayers

have been answered.

I have been asking God

to send someone to take her away...

...from that heathen boyfriend, Nick.

- You're a miracle.

- Yes.

Erica's dad can never

have a conversation...

...without quoting some guy named Zig

Ziglar, a Christian motivational speaker.

Frankly, I'd never be caught dead

quoting some guy named Zig.

The difference between you

and that barbarian, Nick, is that you...

Remember what he said.

have a "swelled heart,

not a swelled head."

I wanted to tell him that his daughter

gave me both. But I didn't.

Peter, I thought you might be hungry...

...so I brought cookies

I made for the church bake sale.

I wasn't all that surprised

by the cookies.

This is the same woman who encourages

her youngest daughter, Mary...

...to play with nun dolls.

"Now say 50 more."

"Hail Mary, Hail Mary...

...Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary..."

- Thanks.

- Yes, yes, yes.

Now let's face it.

It's a proven fact that girls

do not fall in love...

...with any boy her parents

actually like.

I vowed at that very moment

that I would...

...find a way to make her parents

hate me.

I set Giuseppe to work on it.

Go ahead, Peter, try it.

My dad's reaction to my plan,

when he heard about it from Mom...

...registered on the Richter scale

at Caltech.

Peter. Peter!

Stop acting like you don't hear me. Peter.

Hell's bells.

You get inside right this instant.

- I'm not leaving this spot.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

You stop listening

to your grandfather's nonsense.

He's not all there. Now, come on.

- Let go. I'm not hurting anyone.

- You are acting like a fool.

- Now, come on.

- No.

- Give it up, son.

- Mom!

- Listen to your father.

- This is ridiculous.

What will the neighbors think?

Some of them are my patients.

They'll stop coming to me

if they think my son's a pervert...

...who stands under girls' windows.

- You're just embarrassing our entire family.

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