Father's Day Page #6

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JACKET:
Ahab, you

were made for me.

Jacket, there you are.

[Music continues]

Twink?

Yes!

[Groans]

That's five out of eight.

[Screaming]

Jesus Christ.

Twink!

I lost.

[Screaming in distance]

So this is hell, huh?

It's not so bad.

What is taking Padre?

[Screaming]

Hello.

You must be Father

John Sullivan.

Hi.

Where's Ahab and Twink?

Ahab.

Ahab.

No, no Ahabs on today's list,

but we do have Twinkies.

All the Twinkies you

could ever want for.

Cool.

Is this hell?

Uh, H-E-double hockey

sticks you mean?

We don't use the H-word

word much around here.

Sorry.

Already forgiven.

This is heaven, my friend.

A place where all your

dreams come to fruition.

You can have anything

your heart desires,

But you can never leave.

I heard of hell freezing

over, but this is nuts.

Ahab, I say I heard of

hell freezing over...

Yeah, yeah.

I heard you.

F***.

Can I have one of

your gloves, man?

It's f***ing...

[Groans]

It's so cold out here I can't

hear this stuff about gloves.

Twink.

Twink?

Ahab?

Andrew.

Dad?

Andrew, there's something

I've been wanting

To say to you for a long time.

I am so sorry for

what happened to you.

Andrew, I wanted

to tell you... I

Wanted tell you that your

mother knew better than I

Did from the very beginning.

And that's why she

hanged herself.

Chris Fuchman did me the best

favor of my pathetic life,

Because I didn't have

to look at your face.

I didn't have to look

at the scum sucking

Homo that killed my wife.

Why are you saying this to me?

What?

Are you going to cry now?

Cry for me.

Cry for me because I

didn't have the strength

To wrap that rope around my

neck and join your mother.

Cry for me because I

didn't have the balls

To smother you in your crib.

Cry for me because my

son makes his money

By giving blow jobs to old men.

(SCREAMING) No!

[Music playing]

Chelsea?

Dad?

[Incoherent speech]

PRIEST:
Do you,

Chelsea, take Chris

Fuchman for all of eternity?

CHELSEA:
I do.

(SCREAMING) No!

Who are you?

Why are you here?

Sorry.

CHELSEA:
What is that?

An erection?

You want to f***

your own sister?

You're like the Indian in the

cupboard, you'd get lost in me.

Are you scared?

I was scared when

Fuchman took my soul.

[Screaming]

Give me my coat!

Twink!

Twink?

Walnut?

Don't listen to him, Twink.

Everything will be OK.

Come with me and

everything will be fine.

TWINK:
But...

Everything will be OK.

I've always loved you.

No!

No!

No!

Ahab!

Ahab!

Ahab, help!

Help!

Get me out of here!

Get me out!

Get me out, please!

I thought I made myself clear.

Your soul belongs to

heaven for eternity.

I know.

Obviously.

I just... what the hell is that?

Nobody move or I

blow his head off!

You fool!

You have no idea what

you're meddling with!

Shut your face, f*ggot!

You're going to take

me to your boss,

And He's going to get

me the hell out of here.

Or I'm going to put

a bullet through you,

And I don't want to do that

because you seem very nice.

Well, then don't do

it, because it's true!

I know!

But I have to.

Everyone, do as he says.

Just do as he says.

F***ing do as I say.

Where's God?

His office is at

the end of this hall.

Is He one of these

chicks or something?

No!

No!

It's at the end of this

hall, I swear to Him.

What hall?

That hall!

I don't see sh*t!

It's... it's right there.

Just unfocus your eyes.

Don't let go, Twink!

Don't you let go!

Don't you let go, Twink!

Don't you let go, Twink!

NARRATOR:
And hell

was quiet once again.

What's this?

I'm sorry, God.

Hey, I had no choice.

He's got a gun.

Ah, come on, Chad.

Have you never been

at gunpoint before?

What?

Are you afraid of

a little pressure?

God, You've got to get

me out of here, Man.

I got a situation in hell and

I've got to take care of it.

Jesus Christ, grow up man.

Let's talk about

this like adults.

Chad, didn't you tell

him about the Twinkies?

I spent my whole

life worshipping You.

But I swear to God if you

don't show me to the exit,

I'll kill him.

And then I'll kill You.

He's f***ing crazy.

He'll do it.

Ah, he won't do it.

Huh!

Your move, Old Man.

You know this is bad

for business, right?

I think, uh, maybe, just

maybe we can get a Bible

And read it together.

Get a little high.

You know, talk it out.

FATHER O'FLYNN:

Not so fast, God.

Father!

Get out quick, John!

They do horrible things up here!

Terrible things!

Get out!

Come with me, Father!

It's too late for me.

Go!

Now!

I find you're always

so overly dramatic.

This is all about

business, you know that.

Get out, John!

I love you!

All right, put up

your hands, God.

Where are You?

Where are You?

I'll blow Your brains out.

At least point the

gun in approximately

The right direction.

Who said that?

[Gate creaking]

Don't look into...

Look me in the eye

you fat piece of sh*t.

His eyes.

[Laughing evilly]

[Groaning]

Hang back, Mark.

I've got this.

Mark!

CHELSEA:
Get the f***

away from my brother

You fat father f***er!

[Screaming]

I made it!

I made it!

[Growling]

Maybe now you'll

take me seriously.

[Screaming]

Mary, you're alive.

Maybe now you'll

take me seriously.

[Yelling]

[Howling]

Oh, it's a miracle.

[Baby crying]

AHAB:
He's just a baby.

CHELSEA:
Oh!

[Screaming]

We did it.

We did.

We did it.

Ahab!

It's OK, baby.

It's OK.

Mama's here.

Sleazy's here.

[Moaning]

MARY:
You guys are siblings!

Is it really you?

It's me.

Ahab, I've missed you so much.

AHAB:
I'm never going

to let you go again.

What the hell is happening?

Your soul is

returning to Earth.

Ahab, come with me!

AHAB:
I'll find you!

I swear I'll find you!

Get an abortion!

I'm so sorry!

Huh.

Hm, well done, fellas.

And I ain't talking

about the meat.

You!

AHAB:
Who is this guy?

It's the devil.

And he's an a**hole.

No, it's God.

He...

That's right.

That's right.

I own upstairs and downstairs.

You give the illusion

of competition then

It raises morale.

Kind of like the move business.

Who is this guy talking, John?

FATHER SULLIVAN:

It's over devil.

We destroyed the demon.

Oh, yeah.

Good work.

FATHER SULLIVAN:

The world is safe.

Congratulations again.

FATHER SULLIVAN:
We

defeated you devil.

Yep.

You showed me.

You lost!

Huh, nice guy.

[Screaming]

How do we get out of here?

Twink!

Hey, my coat!

Oh, my f***ing keys

are in that thing.

F***!

FATHER SULLIVAN:

Twink, get his keys.

AHAB:
F***ing moron.

FATHER SULLIVAN:
Maybe

try the gun again.

AHAB:
Yeah.

FATHER SULLIVAN:
Yes.

[Gunshot]

[Sobbing]

AHAB:
Where are you going?

F*** off.

(SOBBING) How do

we get out of here?

Maybe if we just hope really

hard, really, really hard.

Hope, hope.

Hope, hope, hope.

Hope, hope, hope, hope!

[Flies buzzing]

[Music playing]

NARRATOR:
Coming up at 5:00,

life's a beach... a sexy beach

That is on the Astron-6.

Your channel 6 super station.

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