Fathers' Day Page #5

Hell, I'd loved to

be you for a day.

Get to do cool stuff

like this every day.

Are you kidding me?

Come on.

OK.

TWINK:
Get the heck down there.

Dude, I would love to.

OK.

Yeah.

Who cares?

TWINK:
Yeah.

I'd kill to have a fun day

like you have every GD day.

FATHER SULLIVAN:
Oh!

Oh, I got it.

I got it.

[Groaning]

Oh, freaking in my face.

Is that funny?

Hm?

What?

It's not bad at all.

There's a pulse.

[Music playing]

There he is!

[Screams]

F***!

Oh, what do we do?

He shot me in the f***ing hand!

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

Did you guys see that?

Oh, f***.

We saw it.

Whoa!

Yeah!

You shot Twink.

I'm sorry, Twink!

You didn't get in on that!

That was awesome, man!

That was f***ing crazy.

I know, right?

Let's go finish him off!

[Soft music playing]

The church is

willing to overlook

Your recent conduct,

Father John,

Providing that it

never happens again.

You'll be moving into

Father O'Flynn's quarters.

See to it that all his positions

are charitably distributed.

But Father, I have a service.

For the foreseeable future,

I'll be conducting the service.

I want you to focus on penance.

No more...

But Father...

Are we clear?

Yes, Father.

Yes, Father.

You know, you're going to

have to pay for that wall.

[Music continues]

Well, you're definitely gay.

[Suspenseful music]

Ahab!

[Phone ringing]

Yeah?

Ahab!

Ahab, it's John.

You must listen to me this.

John, what are you

doing on the phone?

[Knocking at door]

I must warn you that...

OK.

Just a sec, hang on.

I think there's a

friend at the door.

[Knocking continues]

Ahab, don't answer the door!

AHAB:
Chelsea, you're awake!

And you read this

all in some book.

FATHER SULLIVAN:
Not just

some book, an ancient tome.

Tome?

Yes.

A tome.

Oh, toma.

Father O'Flynn was researching

it before he went blind.

It calls the Fuchman by name.

It sounds like a

real best seller.

[Laughs]

It says that the Fuchman

appears each generation,

Raping and killing fathers until

the host body is extinguished.

It says that he that

sees but one path

Shall stand in the way

of the Fuchmanachis.

What?

There's no time to explain.

TWINK:
Whoa!

I love this new John!

Ahab, I never got a chance

to thank you for saving me.

You're welcome.

You're my sister, Chelsea.

I'm just... you were saying you...

It's not that I'm not attracted

To you or anything like that.

It's just that...

Like last time I

See you you're this little kid,

and I go away for 10 years.

I mean, I heard you were in

that orphanage and those nuns.

And I... button fly actually.

I was going to do

something about that.

When I come back and... a

beautiful, mature woman.

[Music playing]

F*** me, Ahab!

F*** me, Ahab!

AHAB:
Uh, oh, OK.

Uh, hold on.

[Groaning]

Chelsea, what the f***?

FUCHMANICHISTS:
Hail

the Fuchmanicus.

[Yelling]

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

I'm going to stop.

Stop!

I don't...

FUCHMANICHISTS:
Hail

the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Chelsea?

FUCHMANICHISTS:
Hail

the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

Hail the Fuchmanicus.

[Gunshots]

[Groaning]

TWINK:
Stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop,

stop, stop stop!

Stop it!

[Gunshots]

STEGEL:
Mark, don't leave me.

Don't leave me, beautiful Mark.

Stegel?

That's right, Ahab.

Go on.

My people have been

guarding the Fuchmanicus

For generations.

You were never more than

a thorn in our side.

AHAB:
You set me up.

Yeah.

Bill Cummings, eh?

Not tonight.

Happy Father's Day.

That's 10 years.

10 years of my life wasted.

We had to keep you around

to fulfill your destiny.

Yeah?

Well, I did.

I killed the Fuchman.

[Thundering]

Ahab, you fool.

You played right into my hands.

With your seed I will birth

the most powerful Fuchman yet!

Oh, glory to the Fuchman.

Happy Father's Day, Ahab.

AHAB:
OK.

So seriously, though, what?

The Fuchman wanted

us to kill him, Ahab.

Don't you understand?

We were pawns.

We were used.

It's all here in

Father O'Flynn's book.

So I need you to be

brutally honest with me

When you tell me exactly

what you and Chelsea we're

Doing here tonight.

AHAB:
F*** all!

I don't know.

Hung out, talked, watched

a bit of a... it doesn't

Even... the point is she

didn't try to kill me

Or anything like that.

No.

She wouldn't try and kill you.

She would try and

have sex with you.

So let's get real here, Ahab.

Real talk time.

The Fuchmanicus

could use your seed

To rebirth himself

for another generation

Stronger than ever before.

And this whole thing would

start all over again.

Now, if you just enjoyed

a platonic evening

With your possessed sister,

doing pleasant things,

Then we'll call it a day.

Good.

Good.

AHAB:
So I... I might have...

I might have... I might have

Fooled around with

her a little bit

Last night when I was drunk.

So...

God, dude, your sister!

AHAB:
I didn't want

to or anything.

I was freaking

blackout drunk, man.

I don't remember a GD thing.

Jesus, Ahab, you didn't.

F*** you guys if you say

you wouldn't do the same.

If you had... you've seen her!

Christ!

With your sister.

AHAB:
No!

It was Fuchman all along, see?

And it... some kind of mind

grip on me is what it is.

A f***ing telekinetic

psychic mind gap.

That's why I don't

remember anything, Twink.

That's very weird.

I don't remember

reading anything

About that in the book.

AHAB:
That is weird.

It's probably in

there somewhere.

Uh, just read between

the lines or something.

I suppose it is open

to interpretation.

Yep.

Yep.

Yes, it is.

And, uh, we could

go get an abortion.

Put this whole thing behind us.

Never speak of it again.

Ahab, he has her.

AHAB:
Fuchman?

Yes.

Yes.

AHAB:
And he's...

In hell.

[Thundering]

Change of subject.

Can we go feed my

cats real quick?

I will give you gas

money if I have...

TWINK:
Are we sure about this?

FATHER SULLIVAN:
If

this is the only way

Then this is the only way.

I was actually going to kill

myself anyway so... two birds.

The Fuchmanicus demon

is going to be much

Stronger than Chris Fuchman.

It's going to take all three

of our strengths combined to...

All right, all

right, all right.

Let's just do this

right now, OK?

OK.

So how... how do we do this?

Is it just like one at a time?

Or, uh, do we...

Yeah, one at a time.

We just do it.

OK?

I think all at once

would be better.

One gun.

We have one gun.

Well, what if one

of us screws up?

What do you mean what

if one of us screws up?

You're going to fag out.

I'm not going to fag out, fag.

What?

Out.

Fag out.

I'm not going to.

I'll kill you both right now.

Look, I just don't think

guns is the way to go.

You got a better idea?

Uh, pills, razor

blades, condoms.

I can kill myself

with a condom.

I saw a guy choke to death...

[Gunshot]

Oh!

Did it work?

I don't know.

He had the prettiest... he

looks like he's an owl.

Do you want to go next?

No.

[Rock music playing]

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