Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Radio Announcer:
It is a beautiful day in Chicago today, temperatures expected to reach the upper 70s. Right now 75 at the lake front, 74 at midway, 73 at O'Haire, and now up in the sky Don

Cindy:
Ferris. Ferris. TOM!

Tom:
What's the matter?

Katie:
Oh it's Ferris.

Tom:
What's wrong?

Katie:
What's wrong? For Christ's sake look at him honey!

Tom:
Ferris?

Katie:
He doesn't have a fever but he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots.

Tom:
What's the matter Ferris?

Ferris:
Papa?

Katie:
Honey feel his hands they're cold and clammy

Tom:
Ew

Ferris:
I'm fine. I get up.

Katie and Tom:
No!

Ferris:
I have a test today.

Katie:
No!

Ferris:
I have to take it. I want to go to a good college so I can have a fruitful life.

Katie:
Your not going to school like this now

Jeanie:
Oh fine. What's this, what's his problem.

Katie:
He doesn't feel well

Jeanie:
Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn.

Ferris:
Jeanie, is that you? Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie? Jeanie, I...

Jeanie:
Bite the big one, junior.

Katie:
Thank you, Jeanie. You get to school.

Jeanie:
Wait you're letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my

eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. This is so unfair.

Ferris:
Jeanie, please don't be upset with me. You have your health. Be thankful.

Jeanie:
That’s it. I want out of this family.

Ferris:
I'm okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon.

Katie:
I'm showing houses to the family from Vermont today so I'll be in the area. Now my office'll know just where I am, if you need me. Ok?

Ferris:
Ok

Tom:
I'll check on you too, pal.

Ferris:
It's nice to know that I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people.

Katie:
Now you get better pumpkin.

Ferris:
Okay pumpkin

Tom:
I’ll be home at 6:00 sharp. If you need anything, call.

Ferris:
Ringy-Dingy

Katie:
I love you, sweetie.

Ferris:
I love you too.

Tom:
Call if you need us.

Ferris:
They bought it. Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. How can I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?... This is my ninth sick day this semester. It’s getting pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I better make this one count. The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good, non-specific symptom. I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock. But uh you get a nervous mother and you could wind up in a doctor's office that's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school...Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. I do have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.

# I recall central park in fall how you tore your dress what a mess I confess

It's not that I condone fascism. Or any "isms" for that matter. "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. After all, he was the Walrus... I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

Lorensax:
Adams?

Adams:
Here.

Lorensax:
Adamly? Adamly?

Simone:
Here.

Lorensax:
Adamosky? Adamson?

Adamson:
Here.

Lorensax:
Adler?

Adler:
Here.

Lorensax:
Anderson? Anderson?

Anderson:
Here!

Lorensax:
Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

Simone:
Um. He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

Lorensax:
Thank you, Simone.

Simone:
No problem whatsoever.

Lorensax:
Frye? Frye? Frye?

Cameron:
Hello?

Ferris:
Cameron, babe! What's happening?

Cameron:
Very little.

Ferris:
How do you feel?

Cameron:
Shredded.

Ferris:
Is your mother in your room?

Cameron:
She's in Decatur. Unfortunately she’s not staying. Where are you?

Ferris:
I'm taking the day off. Now get dressed and come on over.

Cameron:
I can't, stupid. I'm sick.

Ferris:
That’s all in your head. Come on over.

Cameron:
I feel like complete sh*t, Ferris. I can't go anywhere.

Ferris:
I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over here and pick me up.

Cameron:
I'm dying.

Ferris:
You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do. If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has a lot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound up this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him.

Cameron:
# When Cameron was in Egypt's land

# Let my Cameron go.

Ferris:
Pardon my French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.

Katie:
Katie Bueller.

Rooney:
This is Edward R. Rooney the Dean of Students

Katie:
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call.

Rooney:
Then you are aware that your son is not at school today?

Katie:
Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. Now I had a meeting first thing this morning. I know I should have called, but it just completely slipped my mind. I’m really very sorry.

Rooney:
Are you also aware Mrs. Bueller that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?

Katie:
I don't understand.

Rooney:
He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I’ve spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he coast through this month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken. I have no reservation whatsoever about holding him back another year.

Katie:
This is all news to me.

Rooney:
It usually is. So far this semester, he has been absent nine times.

Katie:
Nine times?

Rooney:
Nine times.

Katie:
I don’t remember him being sick nine times.

Rooney:
That’s probably because he wasn’t sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It is a fool’s paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.

Katie:
I can’t believe it.

Rooney:
I’ve got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days.

Ferris:
I asked for a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

Rooney:
Grace! GRACE!

Katie:
Look, I can give you every assurance Mr. Rooney that Ferris is home and he is, very ill. In fact I debated whether or not I should even leave him.

Rooney:
GRACE!

Katie:
Now I can appreciate how this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, however in Ferris' case, I can assure you, he's truly a very sick boy.

Ferris:
Never had one lesson.

Lorensax:
In 1930, the Republican controlled House of Representatives in an effort to alleviate the effects of the...Anyone? Anyone? The Great Depression. Past the...Anyone? Anyone? The Tariff Bill. The the Hawley Smoot tariff act which...Anyone? Which raised or lowered...Raised tariffs in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work and the United States sank deeper into The Great Depression today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980. Anyone? Something D-O-O economics. Voodoo economics.

Jeanie's Friend:
Jeanie! I'm really sorry about your brother.

Jeanie:
What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake.

Jeanie's Friend:
No, I mean I heard he's really sick.

Jeanie:
Whoa! Whoa! Who said he's sick?

Jeanie's Friend:
A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death. This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder. Aw, he's such a sweetie. Gotta go!

Random Girl:
Hi Jeanie!

Jeanie:
Shut up.

Freshman #1:
Please do not yank my cord on this. How desperate is the situation

Ferris:
Well, did you see Alien? When that creature was in that guy's stomach. It kinda feels like that. Freshman.

Freshman #1:
Goddamn are you kidding?

Ferris:
No course i'm not kidding, do i sound like i'm kidding?

Freshman #3:
Who's he talking to?

Freshman #2:
Ferris Bueller. You know him?

Freshman #3:
Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school.

Freshman #1:
We appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta buzz. Keep good thought dude.

Ferris:
Thanks

Freshman #3:
Sh*t. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school.

Ferris:
Wait a minute. Give me somebody else.

Freshman #1:
Ya sure, hold on. You see Alien?

Ferris's Friend:
Yeah, why? Hello?

Ferris:
Hi.

Ferris's Friend:
Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? Oh, my God! You're dying?

Ferris:
Uh-oh

Ferris's Friend:
Is it serious?

Ferris:
I don’t know. I hope not. I think I might need a kidney transplant.

Ferris's Friend:
Sh*t! Are you upset?

Ferris:
Excuse me.

Ferris's Friend:
Think you’ll be alive this weekend?

Ferris:
Ya I'd say I will.

Ferris's Friend:
Great, maybe I’ll see ya! Bye!

Rooney:
I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him!

Grace:
Well, with your bad knee Ed, you shouldn’t throw anybody....It’s true.

Rooney:
What is so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives good kids bad ideas.

Grace:
Uh-huh

Rooney:
The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this student body.

Grace:
Well, he makes you look like an ass, is what he does, Ed.

Rooney:
Thank you Grace. I think you’re wrong.

Grace:
Oh, well he's very popular, Ed. The sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, d*ckheads, they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.

Rooney:
That is why I have got catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere.

Grace:
Ooo. Ed. You sounded like Dirty Harry just then.

Rooney:
Really?

Grace:
Uh-huh.

Rooney:
Thanks Grace.

Ferris:
I'm serious, man. This is ridiculous, making me wait around the house for you.

Cameron:
Why can't you let me rot in peace?

Ferris:
Cameron, this is my ninth sick day. If I get caught, I won’t graduate. I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for you.

Cameron:
Do you know what my diastolic is?

Ferris:
Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed and come on over here. I'm tired of this stuff.

Cameron:
Shut up.

Ferris:
Hold your water for a sec. I got another call. Hello?

Tom:
Ferris?

Ferris:
Uh, hi.

Tom:
You sound terrible.

Ferris:
Really? Darn! I thought I was improving.

Tom:
Were you sleeping?

Ferris:
Dad? Can you hang on for a second?

Tom:
Sure, pal.

Ferris:
Hang on. Cameron? It's my Dad.

Cameron:
Oh, great. Keep me out of it.

Ferris:
If you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend.

Cameron:
Oh, you’ve been saying that since the fifth grade.

Ferris:
Dad?

Tom:
Ya

Ferris:
All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I outta lie down.

Tom:
Take a hot bath, and then wrap a hot towel around your head.

Ferris:
Wrap a hot towel around my head.

Tom:
And then make yourself some soup. And get a nap. Ok?

Ferris:
Ok.

Tom:
Hey Ferris?

Ferris:
Ya?

Tom:
Love ya pal.

Ferris:
I love you too. I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out.

Cameron:
He'll keep calling me. He'll keep calling until I come over...He’ll make me feel guilty. This is ridiculous! Okay. I’ll go. I’ll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. Sh*t. God Dammit! Forget it! That’s it!

English Teacher:
In what way does the author’s use of the prison symbolize...the protaganists’ struggle? And, how does that relate to our discussion on the uses of irony?

Nurse Sparrow:
May I interrupt please? Sloane Peterson? May I have a word with you dear?...My dear, that i’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad tidings. Your father called. Your grandmother has just passed

Sloane:
What? Oh.

Nurse Sparrow:
Oh darling, oh honey, Oh

Rooney:
Dead grandmother?

Grace:
Yes, that's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane. Poor little lamb.

Rooney:
Who's this girl's going out with?

Grace:
It's so hard to tell these days. I do see her with Ferris Bueller quite a little bit.

Rooney:
Would you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number please?

Grace:
Sure. Ed Rooney's office.

Cameron:
This is George Peterson.

Grace:
Ah. Please hold....What do you know it's Mr. Peterson...Do you still want his daytime number?

Rooney:
Ed Rooney.

Cameron:
Ed? This is George Peterson.

Rooney:
How are you today, sir?

Cameron:
Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.

Rooney:
Yeah, I heard. And, I'm all broken up. Boy, what a blow

Cameron:
It’s been a tough morning and we have a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn’t mind excusing Sloane i'd appreciate it.

Rooney:
Uh sure. I'd be happy to. Ya you uh you just produce a corpse and uh I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand. It’s alright Grace, it's Ferris Bueller, the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap and let him fall right into it!

Cameron:
Ed. I’m sorry. Did you say you wanted to see a body?

Rooney:
Yeah, that's right. Just roll her bones on over here, and I’ll dig up your daughter. Ya know that’s school policy. Was this your mother?

Cameron:
No, my wife’s mother.

Grace:
Ed Rooney's office.

Ferris:
Hi his is Ferris Bueller. Can I speak to Mr. Rooney please?

Grace:
Ahhh...Hold.

Rooney:
I'll tell you what dipshit, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down here and smooch by big old white butt.

Grace:
ED!

Rooney:
Pucker up, buttercup. What!?

Secretary:
Ferris Bueller is on line two.

Ferris:
Hey, Mr. Rooney? Listen i'm sorry to disturb you at work but I’m not feeling very well today and I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I might need. Have a nice day.

Rooney:
Mr. Peterson. I think I owe you an apology sir.

Cameron:
Well I should say you do!

Rooney:
I, uh, I-I-I

Cameron:
Well I think you should be sorry for Christ's sake! A family member dies and you insult me. What is the hell is the matter with you, anyway?

Rooney:
I really don't know, sir. I didn't think I was talking to you I thought I was talking to somebody else. You have to know, sir, that I would never deliberately insult you like that. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am.

Cameron:
Pardon my French but you're an a**hole! A**hole!

Rooney:
Absolutely right sir! You hit the nail right on the head. FIND OUT WHERE SHE IS!

Cameron:
This isn't over yet, buster. Do you read me?

Rooney:
Loud and clear, Mr. Peterson.

Cameron:
Call me sir, goddamn it!

Rooney:
Yes yes yes sir. Yes sir.

Cameron:
That's better. You just mind your P’s and Q’s, buster. And remember who you’re dealing with.

Ferris:
Bueller. Ferris Bueller.

Cameron:
I'm a little scared because what if he recognizes my voice?

Ferris:
Impossible. You're doing great.

Cameron:
Ya? Rooney?

Grace:
Ooooh

Cameron:
Rooney. Calm down!

Rooney:
Just a little office difficulty sir.

Cameron:
Rooney I don't have all day to bark at you so i'm gonna make this short and sweet.

Ferris:
Perfect! Great!

Cameron:
I want my daughter out in front of the school in ten minutes. By herself. I don't want anybody...What?

Ferris:
It's too suspicious! He'll think something's up. Cover it.

Cameron:
You!

Ferris:
Talk!

Cameron:
You!

Ferris:
Talk!

Cameron:
Come on.

Ferris:
Talk

Cameron:
Rooney! Rooney! Listen here! Pay attention! I changed my mind. I want you be out in front with her! I wanna have a few words with you, by god! On second thought, I don't have time to talk right now. We'll get together soon and have lunch. Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?

Ferris:
Where's your brain?!

Cameron:
Why'd you kick me?!

Ferris:
Where's your brain?!

Cameron:
Why'd you kick me?

Ferris:
Where's your brain?

Cameron:
I asked you first.

Ferris:
How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her?

Cameron:
I said for her to be there alone and you freaked!

Ferris:
Now I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped you.

Cameron:
You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it! You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here, you make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney, the man who could squash my nuts into oblivion and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.

Ferris:
No, I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings.

Cameron:
Oh, really?

Ferris:
Really. No I didn’t. What are you doing?

Cameron:
See you later pal, I’m going home.

Ferris:
Oh come on. Don't do that.

Cameron:
Have a nice life.

Ferris:
Cameron? Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose my temper. I’m sorry. It was uncalled for.

Cameron:
You're serious?

Ferris:
Yeah. Here ya go

Cameron:
Thank you.

Ferris:
You did screw up through, right? I mean, not that is was completely your fault.

Cameron:
Why?

Ferris:
Well, to fix this situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor.

Cameron:
The 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion.

Ferris:
...It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.

Cameron:
Ferris, what are you talking about? Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself.

Ferris:
A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.

Cameron:
No, no. Apparently you don’t understand. Ferris, he never drives it, He just rubs it with a diaper. Hey, remember how insane he went when I broke my retainer? Huh? C’mon. That was a little piece of plastic. This is a Ferrari.

Ferris:
Que Bella. Cameron, I’m sorry but we can't pick up Sloane in your car. Mr. Rooney would never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of sh*t.

Cameron:
It's not a piece of sh*t.

Ferris:
It is a piece of sh*t. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of sh*t. I have to envy yours.

Cameron:
Oh, thanks.

Ferris:
Look, I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do.

Cameron:
He knows the mileage, Ferris.

Ferris:
He doesn't trust you?

Cameron:
Never has, never will.

Ferris:
Look, this is real simple...Whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off.

Cameron:
How?

Ferris:
We'll drive home backwards.

Cameron:
No. No! Ferris! Forget it! You're just going to have to think of something else. I'm putting my foot down. How about we rent a nice cadillac? My treat! Call a limo! A nice stretch job with a TV and a bar? How about that?

Ferris:
C’mon! Live a little!

Rooney:
Once again let me tell you how deeply saddened I am by your loss. I had a grandmother once... Uh, two actually...Man, who is born of woman..hath but a short time to live and is filled with misery he cometh up, but is cut down like a flower he fleeith as if it were a shadow and never continuing within one stay..Between grief and nothing...I’ll take grief

Sloane:
Great

Ferris:
Oh, Sloane! Dear! Hurry along now!

Sloane:
I guess that’s my Dad. I gotta go. Mr. Rooney. Ed. You’re a beautiful man.

Rooney:
Thank you

Sloane:
I want to thank you for your warmth and compassion.

Jeanie:
Sh*t.

Sloane:
Hi.

Ferris:
Do you have a kiss for Daddy?

Sloane:
Are you kidding?

Rooney:
So that's how it is in their family.

Sloane:
Hi, Cameron. You comfortable?

Cameron:
Hi Sloane. No.

Sloane:
What're we gonna do?

Ferris:
The question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do."

Camera:
Don't say we're not going to take the car home. Please don't say we're not going to take the car home.

Ferris:
If you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? Neither

would I.

Sloane:
Woooo

Cameron:
Don't go so fast!

Random Boy:
Save Ferris? Save Ferris? Save Ferris? Ferris Bueller? Save Ferris? You’re very generous. Thank you. Save Ferris?

Jeanie:
What?

Random Boy:
Well, um we’re collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney. And they run about 50 G’s or so, so if you could help out...

Jeanie:
Go piss up a flagpole.

Random Boy:
I’m sorry?

Jeanie:
You should be.

Random Boy:
Hey! Hey, hey what if you need a favour from Ferris Bueller someday? Then where will you be? You heartless wench!

Grace:
Peterson home on line 1. And watch your mouth this time.

Rooney:
Go suck your

Sloane:
We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a death in the family.

Rooney:
Grace, Ferris Bueller is behind this. There is no doubt in my mind. And now he’s got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing.

Grace:
Her grandmother too.

Rooney:
You pinhead.

Sloane:
If you need to reach us we'll be at the following number...

Grace:
Okay

Rooney:
I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.

Cameron:
You have reached the Coughlin Bros. Mortuary. We are deeply sorry we are unable

to come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as is humanly possible.

Rooney:
Something's going on, goddamn it. And I’m going to find out what it is. I’m going to catch this kid and put one hell of a dent in his future. Fifteen years from now when he looks back on the ruin his life’s become, he is going to remember “Edward Rooney”.

Cameron:
Wrong.

Ferris:
What?

Cameron:
Not here. We are not leaving the car here.

Ferris:
Why not?

Cameron:
Because we’re not! I want the car back home where it belongs, right now! C’mon. Let’s go.

Sloane:
Cameron, What’s going to happen to it? It’s in the garage.

Cameron:
It could get wrecked, stolen, scratched, breathed on wrong. A pigeon could sh*t on it. Who knows?

Ferris:
Listen. Will you calm down please? I’m gonna give the guy a five to watch it.

Cameron:
What guy?

Ferris:
Hey, how ya doin’? You speak English?

Dennis:
What country do you think this is?

Ferris:
Okay, listen. I want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay?

Dennis:
Hey no problem. Trust me. Sir...? Relax. You fellas have nothing to worry about. I’m a

professional.

Cameron:
A professional what?

Ferris:
See what a finski can do to a guy’s attitude? Cameron, c’mon! Look at that.

Katie:
Oh bless his little heart.

Rooney:
Nine times

Cameron:
Ferris, you think the car's alright?

Ferris:
Sure. This is the world's tallest building.

Cameron:
Ferris, I don't feel good. Can we leave soon?

Ferris:
Here. Climb up on this. C’mon, everybody. Cameron? Okay, now, lean forward against the glass. Like this...Isn’t that great?

Sloane:
The city’s looks so peaceful from here.

Ferris:
Anything is peaceful from 1353 feet.

Cameron:
I think I see my Dad.

Ferris:
We got a lot to do. Let’s go.

Cameron:
Sh*t. The son of a b*tch is down there somewhere.

Ferris:
Do you want to get married?

Sloane:
Sure.

Ferris:
Today? I’m serious.

Sloane:
I’m not getting married.

Ferris:
Why not?

Sloane:
What do you mean, why not? Think about it.

Ferris:
Well no, besides being too young, having no place to live, you feeling a little awkward about being the only cheerleader with a husband...give me one good reason why not.

Cameron:
I'll give you two good reasons why not. My mother and father...They're married and they hate each other. You've seen them. Am I right?

Ferris:
So what?

Cameron:
It's like the car. He loves the car. He hates his wife. Can we please get the hell out of here? This place gives me the creeps. And my stomach hurts.

Maitre'd:
Hello. May I help you?

Ferris:
You can sure as hell try. Hi, I'm Abe Frohman. Party of three for 12:00...Is there a problem?

Maitre'd:
You're Abe Frohman?

Ferris:
That’s right. I'm Abe Frohman.

Maitre'd:
The sausage king of Chicago?

Ferris:
Yeah, that’s me.

Maitre'd:
Listen young man. Antre nous i'm very busy here. Why don’t you take the kids and go back to the clubhouse?

Ferris:
Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am?

Maitre'd:
I’m suggesting that you leave before I have to get snooty.

Ferris:
Snooty?

Maitre'd:
Snotty.

Ferris:
Snotty.

Cameron:
Okay Abe lets go.

Ferris:
No i'm not going anywhere. No, we'd like to be seated.

Maitre'd:
Listen young man, if you’d like to take the field trip outside, or I’m going to have to call the police.

Ferris:
You’re going to call the police on me?

Maitre'd:
Yes

Ferris:
Fine. As a matter of fact, I'll call them myself.

Maitre'd:
Yes. Call the police. This will be a hoot. Give me the phone. I have another call.

Ferris:
No

Maitre'd:
I’ve had enough of this horsing around. Give me the phone back.

Ferris:
You touch me and I yell "rat!" There's another phone around here somewhere. Find it.

Maitre'd:
Wonderful...I weep for the future.

Cameron:
Okay Ferris, can we just let it go, please?

Sloane:
Ferris, please. You’ve gone too far.You’re gonna get busted.

Ferris:
A: You can never go too far. B: If I’m gonna get busted, it’s not gonna be from a guy like that.

Cameron:
C'mon Abe.

Ferris:
Ask for Abe Frohman.

Sloane:
May I speak to Abe Frohman? The sausage king of Chicago?

Maitre'd:
Abe Frohman? Let me check the restaurant. Could you describe him for me please?

Sloane:
Leather jacket, white T-shirt, sweater vest...devastatingly handsome.

Maitre'd:
Hold on one moment.

Sloane:
Yes, thank you.

Cameron:
Mr. Frohman? This is Sergeant Peterson, Chicago Police.

Maitre'd:
I appreciate your understanding.

Ferris:
Don’t think twice. It’s understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate a person like yourself.

Maitre'd:
Thank you.

Ferris:
Don’t mention it.

Maitre'd:
Enjoy your lunch.

Ferris:
Darling, you were wonderful. Cameron, dear friend? You thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you.

Jeanie:
Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe Ferris isn’t such a bad guy. After all, I got a car and he got a computer. But still, why should he get to do whatever he wants whenever he wants? Why should everything work out for him? What makes him so goddamn special?... Screw him.

Ferris:
I used to worry that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. That used to worry me. Then I saw how Cameron’s family functioned. His home life is really twisted. That's why he's sick all the time. It really bothers him. He’s the only guy I know who feels better when he’s sick. If I had to live in that house, I’d probably pray for a disease too. The place is like a museum. It’s very beautiful and very cold, and you’re not allowed to touch anything. Can you appreciate what it must have been like for Cameron to be in that joint as a baby? I’m actually amazed that I got the car out of the garage. I caught Cameron digging the ride once or twice. It's good for him. It teaches him to deal with his fear. Plus, and I must be honest here: I love driving it. It’s so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. Thank you

Man in Bathroom:
Yes, sir.

Grace:
Why, hello Jeanie. Who’s bothering you now?

Jeanie:
Is Mr. Rooney in?

Grace:
No, I’m sorry, he’s not. Can I help you?

Jeanie:
I seriously doubt it. When’s he back?

Grace:
I don’t know. He’s left the school grounds on personal business.

Jeanie:
What’s that supposed to mean?

Grace:
Well, I suppose it means that it’s personal and that it’s none of your business, young lady.

Jeanie:
Nice attitude.

Grace:
Isn’t Mrs. Hagel expecting you in Consumer Ed class?

Jeanie:
Probably.

Grace:
What a little a**hole.

Tom:
Dave you gotta consider raising your advertisements.

Dave:
We don't have the money

Tom:
Dave if you want to sell you have to spend. It's as simple as that.

Ferris:
4,000 restaurants in the downtown area and I pick the one my father goes to.

Cameron:
We're pinched, for sure.

Ferris:
No way, Cameron. Only the meek get nabbed. The bold survive. Let's go.

Cameron:
Let’s surrender.

Ferris:
Never.

Tom:
Dave I know it sounds like i'm beating a dead horse with this one but i'm telling you that's not the case.

Dave:
We don't have the money

Tom:
Dave your one of the brightest guys in this business. You know what it takes to push this.

Rooney:
Les jeux sont faits translation the game is up...Your ass is mine. What's the score?

Hot Dog Man:
nothin’-nothin’.

Rooney:
Who's winning?

Hot Dog Man:
The Bears.

Ferris:
I think I broke my thumb.

Cameron:
Hey, batter batter batter! Swing batter! C'mon

Ferris and Cameron: Hey batter, batter, batter, batter! Swing batter!

Cameron:
He can't hit, He can't hit, He can't hit, He can't hit, He can't hit. Swing Batter.

Ferris:
Hey Cameron do you realize that if I played by the rules, right now we'd be in gym?

Jeanie:
I hate em.

Ferris:
Who is it?

Rooney:
This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you.

Ferris:
Oh i'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my

weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences.

Rooney:
Save it Ferris come down here.

Ferris:
You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being.

Rooney:
I am not leaving until you come down here and talk to me Ferris.

Ferris:
Have a nice day.

Rooney:
Your in big trouble buster, get down here! Ferris. Ferris!

Ferris:
Who is it?

Rooney:
You know goddamn well who it is

Ferris:
I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my

weakened condition I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business....Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being .Have a nice day.

Rooney:
Oh! Oh mud uh-oh. Oh Bueller son of a b*tch. Oh sh*t. Hey doggy. Hey boy. No no. Stay. Stay! Sit, sit, heel, STAY.

Cameron:
It's getting late, buddy. We better get the car back home.

Ferris:
We got a few of hours. We got until six.

Cameron:
I’m sorry. I know you don't care, but it means my ass.

Ferris:
You think I don't care?

Cameron:
I know you don't care.

Ferris:
That hurts, Cameron. Cameron, what'd you see today?

Cameron:
Nothing good.

Ferris:
What do you mean nothing good? We’ve seen everything good. We’ve seen the whole city. We went to a museum; we saw priceless works of art. We ate pancreas. What’s wrong?

Cameron:
Look... over... there.

Ferris:
What's he doing?

Sloane:
He's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands.

Ferris:
What?!

Sloane:
He didn’t leave. He’s probably doing something.

Cameron:
No. He really busts my hump, y’know?

Sloane:
Aw Cameron, he didn’t ditch us or anything. He’s here...

Cameron:
For all we know, he went back to school.

Sloane:
He would not go back to school.

Cameron:
Yeah, he’d do it. He’d do it just to make me sweat.

Sloane:
No Cameron c'mon

Cameron:
Makes me mad.

Ferris:
Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re such a wonderful crowd. We’d like to play a little tune for

you. One of my personal favorites. And I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today. Cameron Frye, this one’s for you.

# Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen

Cameron:
AYYY

Sloane:
Get off of the float

Cameron:
What are you doing?!

Ferris:
# Thank you for all the joy and pain

# Picture shows, second balcony was the place we'd meet

# Second seat, go Dutch treat, you were sweet

# Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen

# Save those lies, darling don't explain

# I recall Central Park in fall

# How you tore your dress, what a mess

Cameron:
Yeah. As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything...I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Sloane:
College.

Cameron:
Yeah, but to do what?

Sloane:
What are you interested in?

Cameron:
Nothing.

Sloane:
Me neither.

Ferris:
# Danke schoen, auf wiedersehen

# Danke schoen

Cameron:
You’re crazy!

Sloane:
What do you think Ferris is gonna do?

Cameron:
He's going to be a fry cook at Venus

Ferris:
# Well, shake it up, baby, now

# Twist and shout

# Come on, come on, come, come on, baby, now

# Come on and work it on out

# Well, work it on out, honey

# You know you look so good

# You know you got me goin' now

# Just like I know you would

# Twist and shout

# Come on come on come on baby now

# Come on and work it on out

# You know you twist, little girl

# You know you twist so fine

# Come on and twist a little closer now

# And let me know that you're mine, woo

# Baby, now

# Twist and shout

# Come on, come on, come, come on baby, now

# Come on and work it on out

# You twist so fine

# Come and twist a little closer now

# And let me know that you're mine

# Well shake it, shake it, shake it, baby, now

# Well shake it, shake it, shake it, baby, now

# Well shake it, shake it, shake it, baby, now

# Ah, ah, ah, ah

Rooney:
Christ...Hey pooch. Look what Uncle Ed has for you, you little f***er...Sleep tight, pooch.

Jeanie:
I knew it! Ugh! Well, where is she? This is her daughter. Well do you know where she is? Do you know when she'll be back? Do you know anything?

Jeanie and Rooney: Ha!

Jeanie:
AHHHHH

Cameron:
You’re psychotic! You are, man. You're out of your goddamn mind. I can’t believe you did that! I can’t believe you went on the goddamned parade float! No, okay..wait...“Ya ya this tune is one of my personal favorites”. You’re out of your mind. Do you realize how many people saw you? You're nailed

Sloane:
You’re nailed.

Ferris:
Who would believe I was in a parade? Who the hell am I? Besides, anyone who would nail me wouldn’t go to a parade.

Cameron:
My mother would.

Ferris:
I'm not worried about her.

Sloane:
That was so quick.

Ferris:
Hey. This looks okay to me, Cameron.

Cameron:
Looks great, let’s roll.

Ferris:
Here you go. Nice job. Thank you.

Dennis:
Hey, you are a very generous individual. Come back anytime.

Ferris:
Okay

Cameron:
Thanks a lot

Dennis:
Ya baby we got to do this again.

Jeanie:
This is not a phony phone call. There is an intruder, male caucasian, possibly

armed, certainly weird, in my kitchen. My name is Bueller...Look, it's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but I'm in danger, okay? I'm very cute, I'm very alone and I'm very protective of my body. I do not want it violated or killed. Alright? I need help! Speak any English?! D*ckhead! Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick...I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun and a scorching case of herpes.

Rooney:
Hey, wait, wait, wait! That’s my car! I’ll move it! You’ve got my keys....You shithead!

Cameron:
I feel pretty good. I feel real good. Those guys... those guys were nice, huh? At the garage? I was a little worried about them. Turned out good.

Ferris:
Hey... Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had on it when we left?

Cameron:
One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now?

Ferris:
Here's where Cameron goes berserk.

Cameron:
AHHHHHHH!

Sloane:
Cameron? You okay? Cameron, cut that out!

Ferris:
Who is it?

Jeanie:
God bless the police! I'm saved! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Nurse:
I heard that you were feeling ill. Headache, fever, and a chill. I came to help restore your pluck cause i'm the nurse who likes to-

Ferris:
This may very well be for real. I think Cameron might have blown a micro-chip or

two. He's always been a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do was give him a good day. We're gonna graduate in a couple of months, and then we’ll have the summer. He'll work and I'll work. We'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and I'll go to another. Basically that'll be it. Sloane's as big a problem. She still has another year of high school. How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I'd marry her. I would.

Sloane:
Cameron? Cam? Can you hear me? Cameron? Blink if you understand me.

Ferris:
Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. If things don‘t change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like sh*t, because she would have given him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him. Because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

Sloane:
Ferris? We better try something else. This isn’t working.

Ferris:
You feeling any better, Cameron?

Sloane:
Cam? Why don’t you come in here? It’s really nice. Cameron? I could flip out real easy, too. It’s okay. Sooner or later, everybody goes to the zoo.

Ferris:
Maybe he’s really sick. Maybe he isn’t just torturing himself. Hey, hey! hey! Hey Cameron! Cam, Cameron! Wake up! Oh sh*t, Cameron, c’mon! Wake up. Hey!

Cameron:
Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero.

Ferris:
You’re kidding?

Cameron:
That was pretty impressive, man.

Ferris:
You son of a b*tch...

Police Station Boy: Drugs?

Jeanie:
Thank you, no. I'm straight.

Police Station Boy: I meant, are you in here for drugs?

Jeanie:
Why are you here?

Police Station Boy: Drugs.

Jeanie:
I don't know why I'm here.

Police Station Boy: Then why don't you go home?

Jeanie:
Why don't you put your thumb up your butt?

Police Station Boy: You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she’s a whore. You don’t want to talk about your problem?

Jeanie:
With you? Are you serious?

Police Station Boy: I'm serious.

Jeanie:
Blow yourself. Alright, you want to know what's wrong?...

Police Station Boy: I know what’s wrong. I just want to hear you say it.

Jeanie:
In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that?

Police Station Boy: That's cool. Did you blow him away or something?

Jeanie:
No, not yet....I went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and when I was there, a guy broke into the house and I called the cops and they picked me up for making a phony phone call.

Police Station Boy: What do you care if your brother ditches school?

Jeanie:
Why should he get to ditch when everybody else has to go?

Police Station Boy: You could ditch.

Jeanie:
Yeah. I'd get caught.

Police Station Boy: So, you're pissed off because he ditches and doesn't get caught, is that it?

Jeanie:
Basically.

Police Station Boy: Then your problem is you.

Jeanie:
Excuse me?

Police Station Boy: Excuse you. You oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does. That’s just an opinion.

Jeanie:
What are you, a psychiatrist?

Police Station Boy: No

Jeanie:
Why don’t you keep your opinions to yourself?

Police Station Boy: There's somebody you should talk to.

Jeanie:
If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle.

Police Station Boy: Oh, you know him?

Cameron:
You know, that whole time I was just thinking things over. I was like, I was like meditating. Then I sort of watched myself from inside. I realized it was ridiculous being afraid. Worrying about everything; wishing I was dead. All that sh*t. I’m tired of it. It was the best day of my life. I’m going to miss you guys next year.

Sloane:
Cameron, can I ask you a question?.

Cameron:
Yeah.

Sloane:
Did you see me change out of my clothes by the jacuzzi? Did you? You saw me? I thought you were catatonic. That’s okay. I’m not embarrassed.

Cameron:
I better check on the car. Hey Ferris! The miles aren't coming off, going in reverse.

Ferris:
Well, I thought that might be a problem. We’ll just have to crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand.

Cameron:
No, forget it. Forget it. I gotta take a stand. I’m bullshit. I put up with everything. My old man pushes me around, I never say anything. Well, he’s not the problem, I’m the problem. I gotta take a stand. I gotta take a stand against him. I’m not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m gonna take a stand. I’m gonna defend it. Right or wrong, I’m gonna defend it. I am so sick of his sh*t. I can’t stand him and I hate this goddam car. Who do you love? Who do you love? You love a car. Sh*t. Dented the sh*t out of it. Good. My father will come home and he’ll see what I did. I can’t hide this. He’ll come home, he’ll see what I did and he’ll have to deal with me. I don’t care, I really don’t. I’m just tired of being afraid. The hell with him. I can’t wait to see the look on the bastard’s face. What’d I do? What’d I do?

Ferris:
You killed the car.

Cameron:
Whoa. Holy sh*t.

Ferris:
Cameron, it’s my fault. I’ll take the heat for it. We’ll wait for your father to come home and when he gets here, I’ll tell him that I did it. He hates me anyway.

Cameron:
No, I’ll take it.

Ferris:
No. You don’t want this much heat.

Cameron:
If I didn’t want it, I wouldn’t have let you take the car out this morning.

Ferris:
I made you take the car this morning.

Cameron:
I could’ve stopped you. It is possible to stop Mr. Ferris Bueller, you know. No. I want it. I’m gonna take it. When Morris comes home, he and I will just have a little chat. It’s cool. No, it’s gonna be good. Thanks anyway.

Katie:
This is a shock to me. First of all, I don't know why she wasn't at school. Second of all, I don't know why she'd call you with this story about an intruder.

Officer:
For whatever reasons she did it, I think she'd had a pretty good scare.

Katie:
I really appreciate your calling me, really. I can assure you that her father and I are going to have a long talk with her when we get home. Thank you so much.

Officer:
Oh, by the way, I hope you son is feeling better.

Katie:
I beg your pardon?

Officer:
Tell him, all the guys at the station here are pulling for him.

Katie:
Oh, right.

Jeanie:
Hi.

Katie:
Don't "hi" me, young lady. I want to get out of here now. Alright?

Jeanie:
She’s a little hyper. Uh lets not ruin this with talk.

Police Station Boy: You didn’t tell me your name.

Jeanie:
It’s Jean. But a lot of guys call me Shauna.

Police Station Boy: Okay Jean.

Jeanie:
That's great, i'll see you

Katie:
Jeanie, now!

Sloane:
I had a great time today.

Ferris:
Yeah. It was pretty cool.

Sloane:
Do you think Cameron's gonna be ok?

Ferris:
Oh ya sure. For the first time in his life. He’s going to be just fine.

Sloane:
You knew what you were doing when you woke up this morning, didn’t you?

Ferris:
Me, nah....Oh sh*t. I have to go. I’ll call you tonight.

Sloane:
Ok. I LOVE YOU!.

Ferris:
I love you too!

Sloane:
He's gonna marry me.

Katie:
Do you know what it’s like to be pulled out of work to pick up your daughter at the police station?

Jeanie:
Not really.

Katie:
Well, on top of everything else, I was about to close a damn deal with the Vermont people.

Jeanie:
I’m sorry.

Katie:
I was going to take my commission and buy Ferris a car. Jeanie! What the hell are you trying to do? Are you trying to kill us? God look at this mess there’s paper all over the place; I’ll never get this back in order. JEANIE! SLOW DOWN

Jeanie:
SHUT UP!

Ferris:
Hi how you doin' Ferris Bueller. No, don’t get up...smell’s delicious!...Dinner’s ready!

Tom:
What’s wrong?

Katie:
Everything! I just picked up Jeanie at the police station!..She got a speeding ticket, another speeding ticket, and I lost the Vermont deal because of her.

Tom:
I think we should shoot her.

Rooney:
Looking for this? I got you.

Tom:
Let's go in and check on him

Katie:
Ok

Rooney:
Ferris. I have dreamed about this. This time you bastard I got you right where I want you. This time I finally got you...So, how would you feel about another year of high school? Under my close, personal supervision.

Jeanie:
Hi. Thank God, you're alright! You know we've been worried sick about you! Thank you Mr. Rooney for driving him home. I want you to go upstairs and get in bed. Scoot. Can you

imagine someone as sick as Ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? Kids! By the way, Mr. Rooney, you left your wallet on the kitchen floor.

Katie:
Honey? Your still awfully warm

Tom:
Ferris? How do you feel?

Ferris:
150% better, thank you...I'm much better, really. Please, don't make me stay home again. I want to go to school. I'm graduating in June and I...

Tom:
Ferris. You're sick. Now don’t go pushing yourself and making it worse.

Ferris:
Maybe you're right, Dad.

Tom:
I know I'm right, pal.

Katie:
How did you get to be so sweet?

Ferris:
Years of practice. Blanket.

Tom:
Okay Pal

Katie:
Listen, I’m going to get myself settled in, then I’ll bring you a nice cup of hot soup, okay?

Ferris:
Yep, I said it before and I’ll say it again: Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Rooney:
Four years, I’ve been chasing this kid, and for four years, he has been making a fool of me.

Bus Driver:
Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing? Did you get in a fight? You want a lift?

Student:
I'll bet you never smelled a real school bus before....Gummi Bear?... They've been in pocket. They're real warm and soft

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote