Ferris Bueller's Day Off Page #11

CAMERON:

What is this sh*t?

FERRIS:

You got me. I don't speak French.

He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate.

FERRIS:

I think it's a land-based beefoid

creature.

He takes a bite. He savors the taste.

FERRIS:

Splendid.

CAMERON:

Really?

FERRIS:

Superb.

Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively.

FERRIS:

Good?

Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes.

Ferris stops him.

FERRIS:

Yo, Clouseau!

The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly.

FERRIS:

I have a growth on my brain that

causes memory lapses. Could you

tell me what we ordered here?

The waiter glances at the plates.

WAITER:

Sweetbreads.

FERRIS:

Uh, huh. And what might that be?

WAITER:

Pancreas.

FERRIS:

As in the gland that has important

functions in digestion and metabolism?

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their

mouths.

CU. FERRIS

He continues his questioning.

FERRIS:

...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid

containing digestive enzymes? The home

of the world famous isles of Langerhans?

CU. WAITER

He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal.

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They look at each other.

CU. FERRIS

He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and

Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue.

CU. WAITER

He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food.

CU. FERRIS

He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter.

FERRIS:

Check, please!

125 EXT. RESTAURANT125

Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A

cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane

and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the

cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold.

FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON

They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the

restaurant.

FERRIS:

40,000 restaurants in the downtown

area and I pick the one my father

goes to.

CAMERON:

We're gonna get nabbed, for sure.

FERRIS:

No way, Cameron. Only the meek

get nabbed. The bold survive.

Let's go.

He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly.

EXT. STREET. CAB

Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris,

Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs

of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron

dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab.

INT. CAB

Ferris slams the door.

CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE

A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away.

EXT. RESTAURANT

Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes

off. MUSIC COMES UP.

126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY126

The grand old Chicago museum.

127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127

The main gallery is crowded with school kids.

INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR

A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the

second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands

looking like giant grade schoolers.

INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE

Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane,

Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process.

INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE

Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the

coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out.

INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY

Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray.

INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA

A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers

out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart

attack.

INT. GERMAN U-BOAT

Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He

checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button

and pulls a lever.

CU. PROPELLER

For the first time in forty years, the screw turns.

CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE

The famous stages of life display which features bottled

fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar.

CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON

Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat.

Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS.

SLOANE:

(remorsefully)

I wonder if he has a name?

FERRIS:

(blank)

Ninth Month.

128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128

From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green

swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon.

CAMERON (VO)

Are you guys worried about nuclear war?

FERRIS (VO)

Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've

won our freedom, we're traveling down

one of American's most scenic polluted

waterways and you have to bring up

nuclear war?

SLOANE (VO)

It is kind of raggy subject, Cam.

CAMERON (VO)

Regardless. It's with us every day.

The possiblity of global destruction.

SLOANE (VO)

Don't you think it's an issue because

people need something to worry about?

They have to like, have some major

problem that puts all their little

bullshit into some kind of persepective?

CAMERON (VO)

Maybe.

FERRIS:

They used to have Viet Nam. They

used to have the oil crisis stuff

and Iran. That's over and people

have to have their big issue. It's

not like somebody came up with the

nuclear holocaust yesterday at

noon, you know.

SLOANE (VO)

To answer your question...No, I'm not

worried about it at all.

FERRIS (VO)

We don't know when the bombs going

off. We do know, however, that college

starts in the fall.

CAMERON (VO)

(dramatic, deadly serious)

Do you know what a nuclear winter is?

Long beat.

SLOANE (VO)

Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real

cold and the skiing's for sh*t.

The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME.

EXT. BOAT DOCK

The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat.

Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed.

Discussing the end of the world.

SLOANE:

My step-father's always going off about

how when he was young he was committed to

all these causes.

FERRIS:

He's full of sh*t. All the old hippies

are full of sh*t.

SLOANE:

He says I don't care about things like

he did.

FERRIS:

What's he care about now?

SLOANE:

Baldness, fatty meats and money.

FERRIS:

I rest my case.

CAMERON:

What's spooky is they still control

everything. They took over when they

were young and they never gave it up.

FERRIS:

One of the most frightening experiences

of my young life has been observing

my parents and our neighbors playing

the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits.

It's chilling to see people crazed with

the minutia of their past.

CAMERON:

It's human nature to like what you had

better than what you have.

SLOANE:

Agreed.

A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest.

LOUDSPEAKER:

TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST

BUILDING...

The three look to the left.

LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS,

SLOANE, CAMERON

The Sears Tower.

CAMERON:

You know, this is all very interesting

but I'm starving.

FERRIS:

An hour ago you wanted to yack.

CAMERON:

I feel better now.

FERRIS:

Lean over and grab a fish.

Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought

flashes through Sloane's brain.

SLOANE:

What comes after a nuclear winter?

FERRIS:

Nuclear spring.

129 EXT. SCHOOL 129

Meanwhile...

130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130

Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself.

JEANIE:

It's reprehensible to squeal on

your own flesh and blood...but it's

for his own good. His cavalier

attitude will get him into trouble

later in life...and it'll continue

to piss me off and I'll get so

wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer

and he'll ruin my life. Screw him.

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