Fool's Gold

You f***, you broke it.

What the hell was that?

What was what?

I'm referring to the enormous

underwater explosion.

- Alfonz?

- What?

Do you have any idea what this is?

I would guess it is a piece of a plate

from Howard Johnson's.

Do you have any idea what this is, buddy?

This is it.

This is it, man, this is what

I've been looking for for eight years.

Eight years.

Huh?

Oh, good God. Oh, thank you.

Oh, baby, I knew you were here.

Oh, yes, you are.

Where's the boat?

- Where's the boat?

- I don't know.

What, did somebody just take it?

I found it.

- What do you mean? Where is it?

- It will come to you.

Oh, no.

For some reason,

I'm not entirely surprised.

Oh, no.

- Hey, guys.

- Get in.

- You wanna know where the boat went.

- It took us a minute to figure it out too.

- You sunk it.

- Listen, Curtis, forget the boat.

We found something.

I mean, we found something.

Bigg Bunny spent some major bank

on that leaky-ass piece of sh*t.

How come it sunk?

Look, boats sink.

I mean, nobody knows why.

Can I show you what I found?

- I think it was the compressor.

- Don't help me.

I want them to know it was you

who stole their money.

You didn't buy a new compressor?

- It's okay if I take off now?

- Yeah, man, we don't care about you.

Oh, you disloyal Ukrainian prick.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Easy.

Get in the damn boat.

Oh...

Oh...

What perfect hair.

What a perfect hairstyle.

Oh, my God, what perfect nails.

Where did you get them done?

You did them yourself? Oh, my God.

They're so incredibly perfect.

Like your incredibly perfect face,

and your...

...perfect personality.

Ugh. Ooh.

That's nice.

Lillian, I've called Teddy and Purdy...

...and they're not going to tell

their editors...

...not to publish stories about her.

It's how they make a living. Anyway...

...what about the other half-dozen

bloody magazines...

...she's always appearing in

half-clothed...

...and halfway on her way

to the bloody halfway house?

Crush them too?

No, no, no, I assure you

that as soon as Gemma arrives...

...I have every intention of giving her

a very firm talking-to, and I...

Hello? Oh...

My ex-wife.

Yes, sir.

Was there something else, uh?

- Tess.

- I'm sorry. Tess, yes.

No, sir.

I just wanted to tell you how much

I appreciate you accommodating me.

How did I do that?

You know, by agreeing to stop

in Key West for my thing tomorrow.

Your thing?

Oh, yes, I remember.

Married, are you getting?

Oh, no.

Divorced.

Oh.

Your idea?

Yeah.

I don't mean to pry, just...

That's all right.

I'll tell you all about it sometime.

If you like.

Anyway, thanks again.

You're welcome.

I authorized $62,581.43 to fix that boat.

So where my money at?

Oh, God, I don't know, um...

It's all over.

All over where?

The world.

All over the world?

The Caribbean, mainly.

Hell, I was pretty much blown out...

...at just about every dive supplier

south of Key West.

- I don't believe this guy.

- Look.

I used the money

to pay off some old debts...

...which, if anything,

should reassure you.

Because now I owe you money,

and you know that I'm good for it.

Huh?

Now, can we talk about the plate?

Come on.

A plate from Howard Johnson's.

It is not a plate

from Howard Johnson's, man.

That's got half the Vangor family crest

stamped on the back of it.

And if you just let me get back

down to my boat...

...all right, before my books rot,

I'll prove it.

Sh*t look more to me

like half a Arby's logo or something.

Look at the filigree scalloping on the rim.

Do you understand what this means?

Get his embezzling ass off my island.

Fine.

Can I have my shard back?

You ain't gonna need it.

So you do know what it means.

No, no, no, get...

You guys are making a big mistake.

Bigg Bunny is never gonna find

the Aurelia without me.

You ever hear the expression,

"miss by an inch, miss by a mile"?

It's a diving expression.

It means, you miss by an inch,

you miss by a mile.

Now, that wreck could be scattered

over 20 miles, guys.

Any last words?

Yeah.

Tell Tess I love her.

Okay.

Who's Tess?

It's my wife.

At least she will be

till 10:
00 tomorrow morning.

She's divorcing me...

...and I still don't know what I did wrong.

Well, brother, you ain't never

gonna find out, neither.

- Let's go.

- Curtis, hold it, help.

Help. Help!

Oh, sh*t.

Hey.

Hey. Don't move.

Oh, sh*t.

Whoa. Whoa.

Get him.

Use the boat. Start the engine.

Oh, sh*t!

Whoo!

Sh*t.

Sh*t.

Please, Lord,

don't let me shoot off my foot.

Okay, guys...

...wish me luck.

Good luck, honey.

Don't lose your nerve at the last minute.

She don't need her nerve,

10-to-1 the guy don't even show up.

- Why do you say that?

- Because that's his nature.

- What the hell do you know?

- That's right.

Defend that bastard

and attack your friends who love you.

I've got no feelings.

I'm just saying you don't know

anything about my marriage.

- Well, I heard enough.

- Hmm.

Do I comment on your love life?

You could, if I didn't happen to be

the most fortunate guy in the world.

Get out of here.

I just want you to have the happiness

me and Eddie thank God for every day.

He's not exaggerating, either.

We really do that.

Apparently this makes me

some kind of deranged animal.

You make it sound

like I never meant anything to him.

All I said was the guy has a tendency

to miss a lot of appointments.

Behold this dude.

What's up?

Oh, my God, are you from Cuba?

Lucky for you we happened along,

my most superfluously toasted friend.

Water, water.

It appears that you have run dry

of the sacred nectar.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

All hail Neptune,

and those who party on his mighty waves.

- Hail, Neptune. Whoo!

- Hail, Neptune. Whoo!

Decent rescue.

Holy sh*t.

Go faster. Whoo!

Take a left right here.

I'll give him a few more minutes,

Mr. McCintry...

...but if he's not here by a quarter past...

...I'll be forced to award everything

to Mrs. Finnegan here...

...by default.

- I'm gonna kill him.

- Do you wanna go to prison?

If it gets me out of Florida?

Honey, Florida didn't ruin your life.

You did.

You married a guy for the sex,

and then expected him to be smart.

Aah.

Maybe he had car trouble.

Car trouble?

Yeah. You know...

...car trouble.

He'd have to own a car...

...which he couldn't even if he wanted to

because he has no money.

He has no credit.

He has no clue how to behave

like a responsible adult.

Oh...

Which is why I can't get a loan,

because everything is in our name. Ha-ha.

I can't even pay for school

and finish my degree...

...which is what I was doing

in the first place...

...before I got dragged down here

on spring break.

But like you said, the sex was really...

...really, really great.

Do you have any idea

how humiliating it is...

...to get divorced by yourself?

Your Honor, this is a big mistake.

This woman...

...and I still love each other.

Don't do this, Tess.

Look, I know I messed up, all right?

But I'm willing to change in any area

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